Jackie Adams

It thunders outside my window. The thunder reminds me we cannot have storms without rain. We cannot have rainbows without sunlight. Somehow it all flows together. Last year this day we lost my grandmother, Jackie Adams to a sudden heart attack. She went peacefully as we all knew in our hearts was the best way for her to go. I pay tribute to her as she was a special lady. Sometimes Jackie came across as a bit heartless and so far inside of herself that no one truly understood her. She never showed emotion. She was one of the toughest women I have ever met in my life. Yet... she loved my dad and I with all she had in her heart. She would have killed anyone for us. Seriously. Cross her bear cubs... and she might slug you... through the jugular vein. I was thinking last night ... not about her as my grandmother because I know how special she was in our lives, but her as a woman. What a tribute... Granny Jac was a fighter. She grew up in the time of the Great Depression and she enjoyed telling us stories about her time on the farm in Dunn, Texas. She worked when many women didn't work and she still managed to have a home life as well. Jackie is a women that teaches us to go for what you want... She didn't let anyone cross her. She remembered it to her death. Now... I do not wish for us all to hold grudges as she did, but to stand up for ourselves as women. She wasn't scared to tell you what she thought... and often it was brutal. She knew how she wanted things... she wanted her yard to be the best on the block. She wanted her house to be the cleanest in Texas. She was a very strong woman who truly lived. She never rested... always on the go shopping, out with friends, playing bridge, mowing... I never saw her sit! She enjoyed people and she enjoyed her life. Upon her death I found many binders in her closet stuffed with Bible lessons. She knew that Bible through and through. Granny Jac had a lot of anger in her heart from heartaches along the way. She must have tried to see through that bitterness somehow... She will forever teach me about true love. I know she truly loved us so much as she always told me and she also never forgot to remind me how much she loved her only child, my dad. She didn't show it in her eyes and I never saw a tear fall of happiness or sadness, but she showed it in her actions of her tight hugs and special words. Jackie Adams is a legendary woman of the 1920s that can teach us about being women in this new millenium by being a strong, courageous and respectable model.

One Bachelorette Weekend Served Up

I'm gearing up for my weekend. It's a weekend for the books. For a few reasons. Last year on this Saturday I met my boyfriend in person. Last year on this Sunday I got the dreaded phone call my Granny Jac suddenly passed away. Wow what a year makes...

The girls are all gathering for Chandra's bachelorette party at the Gaylord Texan. Some of us have been friends since we were very young. I met my best friend, Chandra at Proffitt Day Care at the age of four. We are going to have dinner and entertain at Glass Cactus. This is one of the most important weddings of my life. I was there for Chandra's first boyfriend, Blake Gee in third grade. Her first serious boyfriend in high school, John Lawdermilk. Oh... do I need to make a list?!! She found her Prince Charming two years ago... and the best thing... growing up we lived ten miles away from his town yet never crossed paths.... not even in college when they were less than ten miles from one another. Proof God works... in His own way.





This picture below is the day I met Nick. I had researched him on Facebook to make sure he was cool enough for me... I had this vision of every single thing I wanted and if a man didn't have that... well, he was out. Keele had people over and Nick and I were both very tired, but we wanted to meet... I remember throwing on clothes not even caring what I looked like! He was so kind... and I remember so tall. He says I was very shy and he decided to give me a second chance, but the fact that I barely looked into his eyes or said more than a sentence didn't give him much promise! I was shy... me... yes... Thanks to Keele she helped open the doors to another realm. Well... thanks to God really... because He only knows with Nick's picky standards that go well beyond picky and my sheer terror of dating that God was the only way to bring these two together.



And... the next day Nick was going to come over just to hang out with me. He said he had already bought flowers. I got the call from Dad around 4:30 PM. "Mom had a heart attack and died." His mom... Granny Jac... I told him I was sorry and it was a blessing in disguise. I then called Nick and told him to come on over, but my grandmother just passed away. He probably thought I had lost my mind and had no heart. He just didn't know that I am a block of ice in strife. He decided it was best not to come over. He waited a day then came over to watch a movie... on the other couch again with me saying less than a few sentences!...

I simply cannot believe years pass by so quickly.

Another Weekend in my World

Welcome to my world. It is always insane here and I love every minute of it.

Friday night we created a night of crazy memories. We started at Ashton's apartment getting ready to attend Shanna's birthday party. Geoff, Nick, Ashton and I were going to go together... His apartment is ridiculously nice! We went down to the O Hangout Area... the entire area was amazing... crazy colors and beautifully decorated complete with a pool table, big screens and various rooms... There is a yoga room, tanning room and my favorite - AquaMassage! I tried it, but after seven minutes I was getting antsy. Needless to say... I do not relax very well!!! Upon leaving I didn't want to go to this birthday party anyway because I knew it wasn't my type of place. Maybe I just am not the typical Dallas girl that enjoys places like Wish and Suite and Sting... sorry... I'm proud of it. So we all get in an argument because I have to take my car when I am the one who does not want to go in the first place. Being a brat I made them put gas in the tank because my gas light was on and by gosh, I am not going to pay for gas when I do not want to even go!!! By the way... though I didn't want to go... I decided since Shanna came to my party and the boys are good friends with her I would go... we make sacrifices for our loved ones... We arrived at Wish in Uptown, but it just wasn't our scenery... Maybe I am eighty years old, but loud music and dancing has never been my thing. We said our hellos and chatted for a bit... we met Andrea and her new boyfriend, Steve up there. So the guys with Andrea and Steve say they know a lowkey place where we will enjoy ourselves... We all travel Uptown and arrive at this hole in the wall. I thought we might get shot... So we went in and were scared out of our minds. I didn't really care because I can talk to a fence post, but it was so bad that we were all laughing. So we walked across the street to this place that had old school arcade games and a huge Jenga game... finally!!! The boys all played while Andrea and I got a chance to catch up and just talk. We laugh at it all now. We wonder why we ever agreed to go in the first place... but, it is a funny night to remember!

Yesterday Nick wanted to work on his yard and I happily obliged... happily... sort of! But, it became a really fun thing. He had planted a new rose bush and flowers so it already looked great. He and Tony raked and worked on soil while I ... MOWED!!! I really do enjoy mowing. I was laughing at myself because Granny Jac sometimes mowed three times a day... okay, later in life she just forgot she had already mowed... but before then she still would do it once a day!!! It is therapeutic to us, I believe!!! I remember when Mom would make me mow in high school... I liked it!!! I think she liked mowing, too!!! Nick was proud of my skills... he was not proud when hours later I went outside to visit with Chandra on the phone forgetting his deck was wet where he repainted parts of it though... oops... I watched "Twilight" last night with Tony and I really liked it! Nick refused to watch it and kept up his yardwork! I didn't think I would like the movie, but it was actually really good.

So this morning I went to church at The Heights and enjoyed it. I wasn't going to go because I didn't think I would like the message about how we put God in our mirror... but I felt like God wanted me to go. I felt like the preacher was talking to me. So much of how we frame God... we want God to be our little puppet... We want Him to do this or that right now. We see Him in our mirror as this policeman or this grandfather... and we expect Him to follow our image. Nick and I were talking last night about how I have no idea why God won't give him what he needs right now. I remember making the comment that I just wasn't inside God's head to understand... Yes, I have yelled and said, Come on, this is enough, make someone give Nick a chance to join their team at work because the company he runs just isn't enough income... I don't know His answer. Patience? Nick says I don't understand because I haven't had to wait for jobs for long... I don't see it that way... I waited five months out of college.... I waited three months after CBS 19... I waited a month after this last one after suffering for over a year in something I hated because I knew it was God's plan. It was just a different sort of suffering... We are all allowed to be angry with God... Be angry that the image isn't what we want... as long as we don't turn around and leave.... I explained that I might understand God took my mother eight years ago, but I am still a little angry. It's just so hard to explain to someone when they feel God is just ignoring them that God is actually there. I have felt it so many times, but I just kept crying out and standing there waiting... I guess that is what we are all doing in different ways for different things.

Okay... I have talked too much as usual. I am going to meet Andrea and Kathryn to play in Kat's closet. She likes to give us her clothes like we are a consignment shop... and the girl knows how to shop!!!

Another weekend in my little world. I love it.

St. Patricks Weekend

The weather makes me think it is already time for bed.

It's been a cold, yet fun weekend. Thursday night after work Nick told me we were going to eat at an Italian restaurant someone referred to him. On my way home from work he called to say he was in traffic and I am going, Hurry up, I'm hungry! So I get home and notice my light is on. I slap myself on the hand for leaving a light on all day. As I open the door I see Nick in my kitchen with the food already on the table! He said, "Welcome to your Italian restaurant." He had a glass of wine sitting there along with salad and special spaghetti. I say special because he knows I like spicy cuisine and it was beyond spicy. In the background in true Nick fashion a basketball game is on the TV. It was one of the nicest things someone has ever done for me. So simple, yet so sweet. Remind me of this when I question his lack of sweet antics! He hates to go overboard. He believes in being sweet on random occasions so you don't begin to expect it. What a perfect dinner!

Well, as I said before God just didn't have sunshine in mind for St. Patricks Day on Greenville. Everyone that was going with us began to jump out of the boat. So it ended up Nick and I just went by ourselves to meet people! It was frigid outside. My toes and fingers were about to fall off. The world likes to text and see where you are... ouch... my fingers didn't work. We watched the parade and laughed at the wild and insane people. Then we met Andrea and some of her friends at the Village Country Club. It was so much fun. They had a great DJ so we were all dancing and just enjoying ourselves. My friend, Missy and Nick and I's friend, Shanna were on Greenville begging us to come out so we left... but, lack of parking and the weather forced us to just leave. We decided it just wasn't worth it! So we ended up at Nick's parents house vegging out for a bit. I do wish it had been warmer, but it was a very funny memory to think we braved the weather just to watch a parade. I've watched St. Pattys Day parades in New York and Hawaii. I think in New York that day it was actually snowing. In Hawaii I remember just being content in the warmth!

Today the weather is still cold. I'm wrapped in a few blankets and about to go workout. I like being back on a normal schedule. Work... workout... sleep. Wow. I am really enjoying work and my co-workers are a blast. It's neat to get to know people. It's hard being the new girl learning everything as always, but so far it is beyond surreal and amazing. Nick says God worked in my favor. He needs to remember I have been praying about this for over a year now. It isn't like God worked in MY time.

Tonight we are having Justin's birthday dinner at the Gray household. They always have great food. Man, if my family lived nearby I'd be bugging them all of the time. I hope the sun shines soon. I need some Vitamin D.

Flip Flops & T Shirts?

My psyche tells me it is Spring. So I am now in the mode of wearing flip flops and t-shirts on the weekends. Tonight at midnight it is going to freeze again. God has a sense of humor.

If He plays too much havoc with my green St. Patricks Day weekend plans we may have to have a talk.

The week at my new job has been amazing. I enjoy it and I enjoy all of the people. The first day is always the hardest and learning the ropes never gets too easy. Do you know what I equate it to? No one would ever believe me... but basketball camp. I spent eight years of my life at those camps so I am not insane when I make this connection. When I started both times at my news stations and at my marketing job last year... basketball camp was only a week. The first one or two days everyone sort of knew one another, but no one really dove in until about the third day. By that day I was surrounded by friends and having a ball. There was never a time I left for home without a new lifelong friend. This company is huge with so many other "campers" ... but, the clients and the new world as a whole can be my camper friends. I learn the ropes just like I learned those ball handling drills. I won a ball handling contest at one of those camps so there is proof I know what I am doing. Thank God my parents sent me to camp beginning in fourth grade or I just wouldn't understand the corporate world today.

Dad and Brenda are back from Santa Fe. Dad says the bronze eagle that ripped open my eye is no longer there. Gosh, that is how much power I have... He hurt me so they had to take him down ... yes, it's true. I bet it doesn't even matter that the store owners told me the eagle wing had actually made some people have to get stitches when they bumped into its hard edge. I love to hear the liveliness in Dad's voice when he talks of a good time. He really enjoys the mountains. He seemed very excited. I would have loved to go be with them, Brenda's brothers and her nieces. Those little girls are adorable. I get a kick out of Katelyn who is ten... she has a cell phone and I'll text her or call her to make her feel special. I am a bit of a dork and actually watched the new episode of "Hannah Montana" Sunday night... Yes, I did... I texted her to tell her it was on. I wanted to make her feel special and let her know you never have to truly grow up. Hey, I watched "Desperate Housewives" later that night. What a nice balance of morals I have ;)!

It's time for bed. When I awake I hear it is going to be cold. Our training is in a room next to the pool. Mirrors surround the pool, but people have no idea those mirrors are actually windows. Darn, I guess they won't be entertaining me in the frigid weather tomorrow. God may have His sense of humor, but He must know since I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Him that I'm stubborn enough to still wear flip flops and t-shirts this weekend no matter His choice of weather.

Pages

The pages never stop turning. Sometimes this is a good thing in life. Sometimes the characters stay the same, but the rest changes.

I had a lovely weekend and diving back into the real world seems only fitting. Friday night Nick's parents, his brother, Justin's girlfriend, Ashton and Geoff and Nick all came over to enjoy the new place. We had a great time. His parents are beyond excited about the new condo. The boys sat on the patio most of the night enjoying the springish air. I hope we can have many more nights like that one. Last night I didn't do much. I hung out with Kristen for a while catching up then went to Nick's to watch TV. Yes, I missed two weddings and a birthday. I feel bad, but on the other hand I just wanted to rest.

Nick and I went back to The Heights today for church. I forgot my Bible... yes, who does that at church, but I had a handful of things and just didn't get it... so I borrowed Mike's as we sat there. As I flipped to the glossary to find what God says about "eye for an eye"... that's a topic that I can only say at this time I am having to learn and trying tirelessly to forgive someone I cannot understand how God can even call His child... but, anyway, I found one sentence scribbled in the back. It said something to the effect of, "We are held hostage by what we choose." I guess I always say this in another term when I speak about we define ourselves by what we choose. We don't let ourselves fly because we are held up by this or that occurrence or title in our life. It hit me hard as I knew what it meant exactly. I try to never let myself be held hostage or titled by certain things about my life. I lost my mother at a young age. I tore up my knee crushing my lifetime of basketball as a senior in high school. I have high levels of anxiety. A boy broke my heart into a million pieces. Those types of paralyzing things that cause me to be a hostage. As a person I must rise above things that hurt me and things that change my life in a negative light and just face it. Just choose to rise above it. I see it every day. I see it in physical limitations in people and I see it in mental limitations of others. Nothing can stop us from achieving our dreams. Nothing can hold us back. Maybe dreams change... maybe they mature... but, nothing can stop one from being successful... but ourselves. A new chapter begins tomorrow. New opportunities and a new life lay ahead. Not a new life with new people, but new friends, new colleagues, new money, new words to be written upon the pages.

Current Events

My thoughts on current events...

Octomom is insane.

The economy is insane.

I'm not sure who it is... but someone on The Bachelor is insane. I have been on a reality show... yes, it got cut after two episodes, but I was there for production! Everything is pretty much planned... especially if you are a hit on ABC. No, I do not believe it was planned that Jason wanted to fall out of love. I don't think he would wish that upon any of them, but going on national television for the reunion to break up with someone is Jerry Springer-ish. ABC knew that would get the ratings. Of course, put it on the big screen. One girl got dumped... and even though she knew it was coming... she probably wondered why the heck they would do that to her. Hey, she's happy now with another man so case closed. But, these reality shows are getting out of hand. My cousin is a bull rider and he had crews following him around 24/7... but, it was a documentary so every part of it was REAL. There was no drama that was handed to them... I was told many things to say and do on my day of filming for our reality show. What I said was not rehearsed, but the settings were. It makes for good TV... it really does, but these are real people getting smushed. Atleast Jerry Springer contains really bad actors.

I read the details of Rihanna versus Chris Brown. Whoa. So I was not in that car with them... but whoa... He beat her to a pulp. If Nick ever smashed my head into the windshield I would take him down. This is a case of classic abuse. Women take it because we think we are in love and we justify it. She is justifying his actions by stating in her mind that she deserved it and somehow she was wrong. A man should never hit a woman. You know what... no one should hit anyone... What does it solve? He beat her very badly and could have killed her. This happens every day to someone we know. This was actually two public figures, but it happens each day. We are strong women in this world. This is a case where a man used his physical strength to overpower our mental strength. Yes, he won... but, in the end he will lose his career and his future because there is just not way to justify those actions.

I guess I need to live in my own little world now. I'm missing two weddings this weekend. And a friend's birthday. But, I need to rest before I get back to normal life next week. I'm having Nick's family and some of our friends over to inspect the new place.

Trust

I had an epiphany this week and I want to relate it to my relationship with God. I will come right out and say it. I am skeptical of God's actions at times. Oh no... did she just say that? We all think it. We fear to say it because we fear "punishment." I yearn to be one of those Christians that is in total trust of God's journey for me. I can say I am, but then in times when I am knocked to my knees left staring at the dust I look up to him and just shrug my shoulders in confusion.

My boyfriend made me see this in a different light.

Nick was helping me do many things with my new condo. He was hanging things here and there, fixing up the cable system, painting the kitchen, even helping me set up new electricity... You get my drift... We had been working hard on the area rug trying to make the furniture fit perfectly. I noticed that I kept cringing worrying he would forget to pull this or forget to put this piece back. All week I had done that. Would he forget to check on my health insurance? Would he help with my CraigsList ad? And... all week I put total faith in him because I knew he wouldn't forget a thing. I knew he would get it all done with flying colors. Because I totally trust him to do what he says. I totally trust him to follow through and even hang the small cross back up that has fallen off the wall... I never worried something wouldn't get done. So if I can put this total trust into people... why can't I do this with God?

I can give things to God as I pray... but, I get caught up in worrying when He will finish them for me. I put it in His hands and then I say... Hello... Are you still working on that? I'd like that now. Can you please help me? I'm waiting. God has everything in front of Him. He knows what is going to happen and He knows it is difficult for me to wonder what is going to happen... but maybe He teaches me that? I get very confused when God puts these huge obstacles in my way and I wonder how the heck I am supposed to trust Him through that piece of fire. What I should be doing is just going through the motions, walking through the fire and just holding His hand the entire way just waiting to be shown the light.

Back to Reality

I finally sit down to write almost a week later. As one can tell February 26 seemed to throw my life upside down once again. Since then it has been a bit of a whirlwind. We got everything moved into my apartment last Friday. It was a very long day... needless to say. I then left Saturday for the funeral in Brownwood. I came back the next day and Nick and I hit the apartment hard trying to organize it. I am finishing up the last pieces tonight, but it is not yet perfect.

I do love the new place. I feel very spoiled. Everything is so new and modern. I am just in love with it. I cannot wait until the weather warms up and I can sit on my patio! I have until Monday when I begin my new job so I am trying to get everything done!

The weekend was a bit tough for our entire family. It seemed everyone came in for Judith's funeral. We all met at the funeral home and were greeted by many people. I tried to just make everyone laugh and talk to everyone. If we get down to the nitty gritty Caly and I were both nineteen when we lost on mothers on the same day. Our mothers were teachers. Our mothers were Christians. Their funerals were held on the same day. She handled things a lot like me. Caly is a very strong young woman and I do feel she will do well through all of this. This isn't about me though at all... this loss was so important for our family. Judith was a very strong piece of the glue that holds us together.

One thing I did learn while the weekend progressed was the passion of my family. I know I talk endlessly about the specialness of the Adams clan, but I truly saw it this weekend. We are from all areas, we all live different lives, yet we come together and we are the same cloth. Everyone is so caring and giving. There was so much love throughout the room that I could barely stand it. I saw so many faces I hadn't seen in years. People that didn't come to family reunions. I connected with cousins I had only heard of... never seen. People also dont' seem to realize by cousins I mean extended family. I am th eonly child, grandchild and niece. It is hard for me to understand there is a distinction of the term "cousin." To me it means everyone in my extended family.

They did open the casket and I walked up there with D'Layna. I took one look and then walked away. I do not like that picture, but I did find it important to our closure. I looked around the room to see wives of their husbands holding their faces in their hands. I saw men with tears running down their faces.

They told us stories that Judith would keep Bibles in her desk at school. If anyone showed an interest she would hand them a Bible. I found that to be such a testimony in today's world. I stood at the graveside service encircled with family. I peered outside of our little area to the many faces of friends and students. I saw one girl with bright red and black hair. She must be an outsider at school... but, she had tears streaming down her face the entire time. I had to smile knowing Judith touched her life. She had touched so many of their lives. What a testimony.

We all left and held one another a little tighter.