There are a million things I could write about just because I haven't set down to write. I wonder why I write, but then I remember if I don't write I go insane because I am a WRITER at heart. No one really reads my blog because I don't have kids and I'm just me! But, atleast it's here for me and one day people will read it!!! I'm interesting!!!
So a million things... Like the fact it's Thanksgiving week and I'm so ready to fly to be with the family. Like the fact I've been insanely decorating and shopping for Christmas already and still have many presents to buy. And, I wonder... why oh why do we give so many gifts? I absolutely love it... I grew up an only child, grandchild and niece so I got a lot of gifts and we didn't do the drawing for who gets what blah blah blah... So I feel as if I should shower people with gifts... but, man, it's hard to figure out what some people really want! In my shoes this is who gets gifts: Dad (the most because he's Dad!), Brenda (who has already made a haul this year!), Nicholas, Nick's parents, Grandmommy, Alyssa, Aaliyah, Malachi, Xander, Steven, Ashley, Rylie, Saige and D'Layna... oh, and a gift for Secret Santa at work and Andrea's Christmas Party and probably another Christmas party that requires a gift (and that is why I love Christmas Tree Shops because I can get rocking gifts for less expense for these!)... too much fun to shop!!!
Another thing... Mom would be 58 this week. By gosh. She passed away at 48. I wonder what life would be like for her? I wonder what she would look like? I wonder what she would be doing? 58 seems so young now. She will be eating red velvet cake in Heaven. Funny thing... Red velvet is Nick's mom's favorite, too. Sometimes the things I cannot explain with Nick and my background blow me away. That's a small thing, but it's neat and unusual. Sure wish Mom could taste Dianne's red velvet cake.
On to the meat of my heart...
Today at church the preacher was talking about depression. He was saying sometimes our sadness should not be medicated. This was not his sermon, but he made a good point. A young girl who was depressed came to get meds from him. After speaking with her for a while he asked her what grieved her the most. After she confessed all of these things deep down she cried heavily and was a different person from then on. Without meds. Now, I'm not giving up my crazy anxiety pills just yet, that is not what I'm saying... and heck, I'll always be anxious. That's just me... but... this is interesting. What grieves us the most? What do we do that makes us feel God hates us? And, if you think about it, it weighs us down. Sometimes when I feel like God probably hates me I close up and I'm sad. I thought hard when he asked me that question. Why do you feel today God hates you? Why do you grieve? Well... for me... I'm always worrying and always thinking. I live in fear of the unknown. I'm afraid to walk outside for fear the tree will fall on my head... not really, but it seems like that at times. Always the What Ifs of life. I worry God is angry at me for this. I cannot help it. The way as women we sometimes gossip and say ugly things... and then I stop myself because I know I'm wrong. I've found myself now multiple times just smiling and staying out of the conversation and telling people not to be mean. But, sometimes... yes. We all fall short. I'm selfish and I feel horrible when I realize I'm being selfish. Yes, God still loves us when we do these things... but, I just realized it sure is hard to live this life that pleases God every single day. I mess up. We all mess up. And we have to just give it to God and ask Him to forgive us because it just festers and builds until we explode. We find the darkness if we do not go into the light.
That's my rant for today.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Neverchanging Stocking
I got stockings in the mail today and boy, was I excited... Weird, you say? Well, this season it seems to be about making new traditions... The short of the story is that Dad and Brenda are coming this way and decided I had to have a beautifully decorated lil space for them... so I then decided to spruce up my decor. Nick's mom has been helping me find some neat things... I've always decorated, but this is the first year for a tree!!! Growing up I was quite spoiled with our stockings... Granny Jac made Mom, Dad and I stockings... They are full of sequins and just gorgeous. Well, I knew Nick and Brenda needed a stocking... so I created two online through Personal Creations. They are amazing!!! I will hang them up beside Dad and mine (I thought about getting us all matching ones, but I refuse to retire the Granny Jac stocking because it rocks)... I already want to blast the music and decorate...
I don't like change. I've said this before... But, we knew last year we needed to grow. Look, after Mom passed away that first Christmas was horrendous trying to figure out how Dad and I could do Christmas Eve without her. Sitting on the floor exchanging gifts... It ripped our hearts out. I don't remember it too much, but I know we had to learn how to celebrate again. You have to remember I am an only child. My Christmas is not filled with screaming children running amuck. It was always me, Mom, Dad, Grandmommy, Granny Jac and sometimes Uncle Mike... that's it... We celebrated on another day with Grandaddy and Rae since Granny Jac didn't enjoy being in the same room... Christmas Eve for the past 25 years though has been spent at dinner with the Stewarts in Big Spring. I knew two years ago it was different when we didn't spend it at Ina's anymore... Ina is the grandmother... I knew the spirit was different as everyone was getting older. I love every year seeing my second family and my "sister" Stephanie... She was a gymnast at Boise State so she didn't come home much at all during college. I also knew last year that with Nick one of us had to budge with our stubborn feelings on our own traditions. We aren't married, my gosh, but we had to grow as a couple...
We do Thanksgiving with Brenda's family and spend parts of the holidays each year in Oklahoma with my stepbrother's family... Brenda's daughter moved up North this year so they will not be with us. So my family is coming this way with Nick's family... It's different and it's scary. It was hard on me at first when we did the integrated Christmas with Brenda's family because it was just different. No matter how much time passes I wonder why holidays still tear at our hearts? Grandmommy is at the age where she doesn't cook anymore and she swears she needs no gifts... though we still find her things!!! I don't know how that will work... How will we see Grandmommy in Snyder if we are in Dallas and Oklahoma? We will figure it out... I know... we always do... It's a big change for all of us... We seem to have done it so many times before that it just seems normal.
I look back in wonder that Dad and Mom had it so easy... yet so different. They knew they would go to Snyder because they were both from there... Dad's parents were divorced though and that had to be hard to figure out who gets "left out." They never let me know it was weird. It's hard as we grow up and our lives grow and change that we have to mold along with it. I have spent many holidays in a news station. I spent Christmas morning of 2005 crying in an airport on my way back to the news... Change. I promised myself I would always be with my family. I would not leave my Dad out of holidays because he has been through all of the changes with me. Family is the most important thing in our lives... the love of it all. The holidays though they change... the one constant that stays is FAMILY. Family might not mean relatives... it might mean friends... The Stewarts have been our very best friends all of these years through the changes... As we add people to our families... as the stockings of Joe Mark and Julie meet their matches of Brenda and Nick... it's all about the constant through all of the waves... LOVE.
This is how much I love my stocking...
I don't like change. I've said this before... But, we knew last year we needed to grow. Look, after Mom passed away that first Christmas was horrendous trying to figure out how Dad and I could do Christmas Eve without her. Sitting on the floor exchanging gifts... It ripped our hearts out. I don't remember it too much, but I know we had to learn how to celebrate again. You have to remember I am an only child. My Christmas is not filled with screaming children running amuck. It was always me, Mom, Dad, Grandmommy, Granny Jac and sometimes Uncle Mike... that's it... We celebrated on another day with Grandaddy and Rae since Granny Jac didn't enjoy being in the same room... Christmas Eve for the past 25 years though has been spent at dinner with the Stewarts in Big Spring. I knew two years ago it was different when we didn't spend it at Ina's anymore... Ina is the grandmother... I knew the spirit was different as everyone was getting older. I love every year seeing my second family and my "sister" Stephanie... She was a gymnast at Boise State so she didn't come home much at all during college. I also knew last year that with Nick one of us had to budge with our stubborn feelings on our own traditions. We aren't married, my gosh, but we had to grow as a couple...
We do Thanksgiving with Brenda's family and spend parts of the holidays each year in Oklahoma with my stepbrother's family... Brenda's daughter moved up North this year so they will not be with us. So my family is coming this way with Nick's family... It's different and it's scary. It was hard on me at first when we did the integrated Christmas with Brenda's family because it was just different. No matter how much time passes I wonder why holidays still tear at our hearts? Grandmommy is at the age where she doesn't cook anymore and she swears she needs no gifts... though we still find her things!!! I don't know how that will work... How will we see Grandmommy in Snyder if we are in Dallas and Oklahoma? We will figure it out... I know... we always do... It's a big change for all of us... We seem to have done it so many times before that it just seems normal.
I look back in wonder that Dad and Mom had it so easy... yet so different. They knew they would go to Snyder because they were both from there... Dad's parents were divorced though and that had to be hard to figure out who gets "left out." They never let me know it was weird. It's hard as we grow up and our lives grow and change that we have to mold along with it. I have spent many holidays in a news station. I spent Christmas morning of 2005 crying in an airport on my way back to the news... Change. I promised myself I would always be with my family. I would not leave my Dad out of holidays because he has been through all of the changes with me. Family is the most important thing in our lives... the love of it all. The holidays though they change... the one constant that stays is FAMILY. Family might not mean relatives... it might mean friends... The Stewarts have been our very best friends all of these years through the changes... As we add people to our families... as the stockings of Joe Mark and Julie meet their matches of Brenda and Nick... it's all about the constant through all of the waves... LOVE.
This is how much I love my stocking...
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Update on Hammy
I went to visit Hamilton today. As I posted before we did his raffle and raised about 5,000. I felt there wasn't an excuse for waiting so long, but in a way I am glad I did. We can prepare ourselves so much, but even with all of his healing I was still not all the way prepared...
Ham was transferred from Parkland ICU next door to the rehabilitation hospital this week. I walked in and there he sat in the chair. His mother, grandmother and sister were there as well. He looked great. I have always said it doesn't matter how he will look because it's about his healing, but burn victims (by the way, I hate that word so I'll try to figure out a better one)... we seem to think they will look the way they do on television always... His hands and arms are wrapped in gauze as well as his ears. Remember he lost a great part of his ears. His face looks like Hamilton. The most amazing thing I never noticed were his eyes. He has these huge brown eyes just full of life. His face looks as if he had a bad sunburn and the skin is peeled and there are scabs where it is healing. There is a place on the scalp on one side of his head where there was a bad burn and it is covered with a graft, I think. His neck is burned and covered with gauze. He told me the worst burn was on his chest. His grafts on his hands look like the end of thimbles and this will smooth out over time. His left hand is not very mobile as he has pins holding fingers and tendons together at this time. Personally he looks like a miracle. He walks and talks. There was a hole where his traeche came out and that was a bit strange, but it just looked like an open hole... We quickly covered it upon realizing the gauze fell off... Maybe I make it sound better than it actually is, I don't know, but all I do know is he looked great to me.
His eyes paint the portrait of the journey. Ham has always been calm and in the moment. I asked him a million questions feeling like Oprah and he answered all of them. He says when he woke up he stared at his hands wrapped up and he thought, "I'm alive." He knows this has been and will be a long road. He spoke of working one day again and being back in his own bed. His stepdaughter is ten and they would not allow her in the room so he has seen her once. He did not have water or food until this weekend. He was so excited to get a hot dog and Mountain Dew!!! His eyes lit up when I joked that Blair had told me to bring a smoothie. It is neat to see him smile. He smiles when talking about all the people that love him so much and ask about him. I told him his guy friends are amazing. Blair, Cody, James, Lance, Chris, Kyle, Adam... all have been so loving and giving to him. His fiance comes every day from Plano after work to sit by his side.
He is the old Ham, but he is quite different. I spoke with his grandmother about life. I was telling her how strong they all were and she pointed out that I had been strong through losing my mother and had walked the journey. Quite a different journey, but tragedy somehow makes you face your own strength. Hamilton lost his dad when we were in high school on another note. He knows the journey. He has always lived with this calmness and sweetness in life. I felt my protective shield coming up. Talking about a tough journey with someone that knows it makes it very raw. I don't cry when talking about my mother, but talking about that journey is difficult when it's raw like that. Strength comes in so many forms. I told those women they are superwomen standing by their son and grandson taking care of him through all of this. I did not see the pictures and Ham has not seen them yet of him at the beginning. The women in the room get their protective shields when speaking of those first few weeks. My gosh, they are strong.
We don't know when he will be released. As of now it's about rehabing the hands and body stretching the new skin... and healing. His grandmother just kept saying prayer works... she is quite correct. Hamilton is so loved and God sure knows this. As I got in the elevator to leave I sighed. I had bounced in that room like I always do when handling nervous situations. I had talked and asked questions and put on a show. When reality set in it hit me. That was tough. Seeing your friend fighting so hard is tough stuff. He is strong and he is healing well, but the eyes don't lie and beneath that warrior is an ongoing battle. He's winning, of course, but it's the journey.
Ham was transferred from Parkland ICU next door to the rehabilitation hospital this week. I walked in and there he sat in the chair. His mother, grandmother and sister were there as well. He looked great. I have always said it doesn't matter how he will look because it's about his healing, but burn victims (by the way, I hate that word so I'll try to figure out a better one)... we seem to think they will look the way they do on television always... His hands and arms are wrapped in gauze as well as his ears. Remember he lost a great part of his ears. His face looks like Hamilton. The most amazing thing I never noticed were his eyes. He has these huge brown eyes just full of life. His face looks as if he had a bad sunburn and the skin is peeled and there are scabs where it is healing. There is a place on the scalp on one side of his head where there was a bad burn and it is covered with a graft, I think. His neck is burned and covered with gauze. He told me the worst burn was on his chest. His grafts on his hands look like the end of thimbles and this will smooth out over time. His left hand is not very mobile as he has pins holding fingers and tendons together at this time. Personally he looks like a miracle. He walks and talks. There was a hole where his traeche came out and that was a bit strange, but it just looked like an open hole... We quickly covered it upon realizing the gauze fell off... Maybe I make it sound better than it actually is, I don't know, but all I do know is he looked great to me.
His eyes paint the portrait of the journey. Ham has always been calm and in the moment. I asked him a million questions feeling like Oprah and he answered all of them. He says when he woke up he stared at his hands wrapped up and he thought, "I'm alive." He knows this has been and will be a long road. He spoke of working one day again and being back in his own bed. His stepdaughter is ten and they would not allow her in the room so he has seen her once. He did not have water or food until this weekend. He was so excited to get a hot dog and Mountain Dew!!! His eyes lit up when I joked that Blair had told me to bring a smoothie. It is neat to see him smile. He smiles when talking about all the people that love him so much and ask about him. I told him his guy friends are amazing. Blair, Cody, James, Lance, Chris, Kyle, Adam... all have been so loving and giving to him. His fiance comes every day from Plano after work to sit by his side.
He is the old Ham, but he is quite different. I spoke with his grandmother about life. I was telling her how strong they all were and she pointed out that I had been strong through losing my mother and had walked the journey. Quite a different journey, but tragedy somehow makes you face your own strength. Hamilton lost his dad when we were in high school on another note. He knows the journey. He has always lived with this calmness and sweetness in life. I felt my protective shield coming up. Talking about a tough journey with someone that knows it makes it very raw. I don't cry when talking about my mother, but talking about that journey is difficult when it's raw like that. Strength comes in so many forms. I told those women they are superwomen standing by their son and grandson taking care of him through all of this. I did not see the pictures and Ham has not seen them yet of him at the beginning. The women in the room get their protective shields when speaking of those first few weeks. My gosh, they are strong.
We don't know when he will be released. As of now it's about rehabing the hands and body stretching the new skin... and healing. His grandmother just kept saying prayer works... she is quite correct. Hamilton is so loved and God sure knows this. As I got in the elevator to leave I sighed. I had bounced in that room like I always do when handling nervous situations. I had talked and asked questions and put on a show. When reality set in it hit me. That was tough. Seeing your friend fighting so hard is tough stuff. He is strong and he is healing well, but the eyes don't lie and beneath that warrior is an ongoing battle. He's winning, of course, but it's the journey.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
We Are An Army
It's been a very strange week and tying it all together in one blog might be difficult, but here I go...
My town lost Josh Howell this week. I wrote a blog about it and it doesn't give him enough credit, but it has touched us all. Nick says I am sometimes obsessed with death and I know I can be morbid, but there are reasons why... I feel so much empathy for the pain of the family. Empathy so aggressive that it tugs at my heart strings. I know what it's like to lose people you love. And beyond that I know a lot of people and love a lot of people so it's both a blessing and a curse I will know a lot of people that pass away. It was very hard on his best friends and his sister is having a very hard time... but, from what I know the hardest pain comes when all of the excitement dies down and the people are no longer around you all day long. This is when they need us most. And we will all be there. That's what some people don't understand about being from a town of 25,000. We are an army. We love one another and we band together in times like these.
Let's go on to some good times...
Nick and I went to the Rangers game on Friday night. We had a really good time. I'm not a baseball fan, but it was a playoff game and it was history in the making. We lost badly in the end, but we had a good time during it!!! We shall see where this leads... None of our teams are doing so great. Here I am hosting the Red Raider Roadshow and we cannot seem to win! The Cowboys aren't so great... but, hey, to me it's a game... but, somehow to the world of men out there some of them just truly care. Nick loves sports and gets so involved so when they do bad he sure isn't happy with the team.
Today we hosted a fund raiser for Hamilton. We raised over 4,000!!!!!! He is doing so much better... with today's technology doctors say he will probably look like nothing happened in a few years... my gosh... he was third degree burned on 38 percent of his body!!! As of now he will get to keep his hands... and all of his senses have returned except his taste. He doesn't remember being electrocuted either... strange how our bodies and minds work, isn't it? I am going to see him thsi week. I haven't gone and I don't have an excuse. I was scared of the unknown. Cody and Nick say they may even go with me. Cody and some of the guys went up there this weekend. He is out of ICU and he can talk! I just didn't know what to talk about... but, my gosh, Julie, why be selfish when it should be all about him and just making him laugh? His fiance said something I wrote her on Facebook made him laugh and she was so happy to see that smile again. Lauren, Blair and Cody put together a great event and a lot of us Big Springers came out for it. Again... we are an army.
That's all really... I'm ready for the holidays to see my family. Holidays are tough at times. Traditions and things change. Growing up it was all grand and it was just the three of us and my grandparents... it was always small, but now we have Brenda's clan which makes me so happy, but sometimes I'd like to be closer to her kids. We just all have different lives. We also now have the Grays... we aren't married, but I count them as family... Maybe we can get married somewhere in the next 100 years? Believe me, I get tired of answering that question!
Let's pray this week is better... the Rangers game and shopping with Sarah Cohen was great this week and the fundraiser was awesome, but heartache was just sewn in here and there. It takes an army to make it through the world... thank God for mine.
My town lost Josh Howell this week. I wrote a blog about it and it doesn't give him enough credit, but it has touched us all. Nick says I am sometimes obsessed with death and I know I can be morbid, but there are reasons why... I feel so much empathy for the pain of the family. Empathy so aggressive that it tugs at my heart strings. I know what it's like to lose people you love. And beyond that I know a lot of people and love a lot of people so it's both a blessing and a curse I will know a lot of people that pass away. It was very hard on his best friends and his sister is having a very hard time... but, from what I know the hardest pain comes when all of the excitement dies down and the people are no longer around you all day long. This is when they need us most. And we will all be there. That's what some people don't understand about being from a town of 25,000. We are an army. We love one another and we band together in times like these.
Let's go on to some good times...
Nick and I went to the Rangers game on Friday night. We had a really good time. I'm not a baseball fan, but it was a playoff game and it was history in the making. We lost badly in the end, but we had a good time during it!!! We shall see where this leads... None of our teams are doing so great. Here I am hosting the Red Raider Roadshow and we cannot seem to win! The Cowboys aren't so great... but, hey, to me it's a game... but, somehow to the world of men out there some of them just truly care. Nick loves sports and gets so involved so when they do bad he sure isn't happy with the team.
Today we hosted a fund raiser for Hamilton. We raised over 4,000!!!!!! He is doing so much better... with today's technology doctors say he will probably look like nothing happened in a few years... my gosh... he was third degree burned on 38 percent of his body!!! As of now he will get to keep his hands... and all of his senses have returned except his taste. He doesn't remember being electrocuted either... strange how our bodies and minds work, isn't it? I am going to see him thsi week. I haven't gone and I don't have an excuse. I was scared of the unknown. Cody and Nick say they may even go with me. Cody and some of the guys went up there this weekend. He is out of ICU and he can talk! I just didn't know what to talk about... but, my gosh, Julie, why be selfish when it should be all about him and just making him laugh? His fiance said something I wrote her on Facebook made him laugh and she was so happy to see that smile again. Lauren, Blair and Cody put together a great event and a lot of us Big Springers came out for it. Again... we are an army.
That's all really... I'm ready for the holidays to see my family. Holidays are tough at times. Traditions and things change. Growing up it was all grand and it was just the three of us and my grandparents... it was always small, but now we have Brenda's clan which makes me so happy, but sometimes I'd like to be closer to her kids. We just all have different lives. We also now have the Grays... we aren't married, but I count them as family... Maybe we can get married somewhere in the next 100 years? Believe me, I get tired of answering that question!
Let's pray this week is better... the Rangers game and shopping with Sarah Cohen was great this week and the fundraiser was awesome, but heartache was just sewn in here and there. It takes an army to make it through the world... thank God for mine.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Josh Howell
My friend from high school, Josh Howell passed away last night in a motorcycle accident... Josh, his friend and his girlfriend were all riding separately home from Midland. Shane and Hayley stopped for coffee and Josh sped ahead. When Hayley got home she realized he was not there. They went back down I-20 and found him in the ditch by the Stanton rest stop. Apparently he skidded and lost control. They had all driven by him without knowing. I do not know if he was wearing a helmet.
I was always in love with Josh throughout high school. He was really cute and sweet. Saddest thing is he has a one year old, Marin. He loved that little girl so much. He and my best friend, Chandra are close and last time I saw him was at her wedding. Big prayers.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Behind the Microphone Afterlife
Sometimes we figure out we aren't alone. Sometimes we figure out what we've been thinking for years is what someone else thinks right along with us.
I went to dinner with my friend, Linda Mares whom I reported with in Abilene. She left to move on and went to a few different places before being a reporter in Oklahoma City. At the table sat two other former reporters. Upon talking we realized we had all left the news business. I have talked before about us jumping ship... it all comes full circle back to my Dad asking me when I began that journey who at my station was age 35? Somewhere in the middle of it when you realize you don't want to climb the ladder to CNN because it is ridiculous... you jump off. I thought I was pretty alone in some of my thinkings about this journey... I was wrong.
Linda asked us if we ever watch the news. We all said NO together. Now, in Dallas I have four good friends on the news. I only know this because they tell me. I have seen them only once or twice on air. Why? Because as reporters we critique and we don't just watch for the news. We are watching for the story and seeing the mistakes. Now, the people that made it here to Dallas have that drive. But, what they don't have are families and I want that one day. They are darn good reporters and amazing people and they have worked very hard. Melissa did the ladder by leaving the state and finally finding her ground here. Jane had to go from Texas to Denver back to Texas. Desmond had to be let go by Tyler before they could see his potential in a huge market like Dallas. Kim kicked butt in every single small town to San Antonio to Dallas to make it up that ladder.
I realized in Tyler the next step had to be out of state because I wasn't ready for the big markets yet. We all have to climb that ladder. You think you go from Abilene to Dallas? Um no. It hit me that I was tired of running. I wanted to have holidays with my family and I wanted to be closer to my friends. I had no money saved and I was missing wedding after wedding and lifetime events... It was a losing battle. Working sixty hours a week... I wanted the life I knew as a child. Granted... this life is not as exciting and I'm not in the spotlight.
We all talked about what we missed. We all said the people and the stories and the camera. Of course. It gave me a sense of purpose that people actually cared about my story that day. I thought it was neat to sign an autograph... I mean, seriously? It was so much fun... but, it wasn't real. It was a little girl just chasing these dreams. We talked about getting out of the business and staring into the world and just not having any clue here in our late 20s what the heck we were doing with our lives. We are all scared to death. We are trained to report. Our hearts want us to report and our hearts want us to write, but unless your face is on a top ten market in the US then our heads cannot wrap around the math of it all. Unless we make it to the top of the ladder we are planted financially and socially in a sense.
It was like therapy to know I am not the only one. I miss it. Of course. I loved so much of that life. I also remember knowing maybe it was time to move on. I chose this. I was strong enough to move to Dallas not knowing my future and I chose it. I did it. I am proud of myself. We all are proud of our decisions and of the friends we have made and of our journey... but, it is all still very scary. You take a huge part of your heart and put it on the table. You stare at it waiting for it to beat because you have no idea how it will live now that you are changing its valves.
I went to dinner with my friend, Linda Mares whom I reported with in Abilene. She left to move on and went to a few different places before being a reporter in Oklahoma City. At the table sat two other former reporters. Upon talking we realized we had all left the news business. I have talked before about us jumping ship... it all comes full circle back to my Dad asking me when I began that journey who at my station was age 35? Somewhere in the middle of it when you realize you don't want to climb the ladder to CNN because it is ridiculous... you jump off. I thought I was pretty alone in some of my thinkings about this journey... I was wrong.
Linda asked us if we ever watch the news. We all said NO together. Now, in Dallas I have four good friends on the news. I only know this because they tell me. I have seen them only once or twice on air. Why? Because as reporters we critique and we don't just watch for the news. We are watching for the story and seeing the mistakes. Now, the people that made it here to Dallas have that drive. But, what they don't have are families and I want that one day. They are darn good reporters and amazing people and they have worked very hard. Melissa did the ladder by leaving the state and finally finding her ground here. Jane had to go from Texas to Denver back to Texas. Desmond had to be let go by Tyler before they could see his potential in a huge market like Dallas. Kim kicked butt in every single small town to San Antonio to Dallas to make it up that ladder.
I realized in Tyler the next step had to be out of state because I wasn't ready for the big markets yet. We all have to climb that ladder. You think you go from Abilene to Dallas? Um no. It hit me that I was tired of running. I wanted to have holidays with my family and I wanted to be closer to my friends. I had no money saved and I was missing wedding after wedding and lifetime events... It was a losing battle. Working sixty hours a week... I wanted the life I knew as a child. Granted... this life is not as exciting and I'm not in the spotlight.
We all talked about what we missed. We all said the people and the stories and the camera. Of course. It gave me a sense of purpose that people actually cared about my story that day. I thought it was neat to sign an autograph... I mean, seriously? It was so much fun... but, it wasn't real. It was a little girl just chasing these dreams. We talked about getting out of the business and staring into the world and just not having any clue here in our late 20s what the heck we were doing with our lives. We are all scared to death. We are trained to report. Our hearts want us to report and our hearts want us to write, but unless your face is on a top ten market in the US then our heads cannot wrap around the math of it all. Unless we make it to the top of the ladder we are planted financially and socially in a sense.
It was like therapy to know I am not the only one. I miss it. Of course. I loved so much of that life. I also remember knowing maybe it was time to move on. I chose this. I was strong enough to move to Dallas not knowing my future and I chose it. I did it. I am proud of myself. We all are proud of our decisions and of the friends we have made and of our journey... but, it is all still very scary. You take a huge part of your heart and put it on the table. You stare at it waiting for it to beat because you have no idea how it will live now that you are changing its valves.
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