20 YEARS

Today marks 20 YEARS since my mother, Deanna Adams, went to Heaven. I cannot adequately put into words what this day means to me, so I've decided to share some excerpts from my anniversary writings through the years. Today is not a sad day! I don't feel the sinking feeling, but I feel a sense of  gratitude and strength to look back at what all we have done in two decades.

If you don't know our story... My mother was many people's favorite teacher, cheerleading sponsor, and tennis coach. She told stories about me so much in her class that they felt as if I was their little sister. She passed away when I was 19 and at Texas Tech. She had a heart attack out of nowhere after going to the doctor for strep throat (so she was already staying home from work sick), while my Dad was at work. When I found out she was sick, I tried to call home that day. I was always paranoid, but this was different. I started to call my Dad and instant message neighbors. I was at my sorority Bible Study when my Dad called and asked me to get alone. I walked outside, and he said, "Your mom is no longer with us." 

I will forever be open about our story. Fast forward 20 years and there is so much more to the story. My Dad found a wonderful wife, I gained another mom along with her extraordinary family. I graduated college and went on to have my own family. I'm trying to condense 20 years into a few words. Impossible. I want you all to know that sometimes life stops spinning, but we somehow have to make a move. This past year has been full of so much grief and heartache for so many people. I cannot say that I'll ever understand any of it. I once said, "God didn't give me a choice, but thank God for giving me a voice."

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Memories make me laugh, memories make me smile and memories make me cry. I wake up each day and do not know if this day is “good” or “bad.“ My dad once called me a block of ice. Sometimes the ice melts and I see visions of what was... I hear her voice, see her smile, hear that laughter; I dream she is dying and I cannot stop it, I dream she is living and life is like it once was. There have been times I have lay on the floor, flat, paralyzed crying...And times I have screamed at God, thrown things at my wall while anger rises... And times I have held the hand of others in grief, laughed through tears because I know my mom is happy....And times I have known it is good she left because my life could not have grown without her death. I have struggled with God-I have lay in his arms- I have fallen to my knees- I have hugged the air.

For so long I fought to not be, "Hello, I am Julie... my mom passed away." It has come to be a part of who I am- and that is just fine. Family is an integral part of any friendship or relationship so if you are going to be my friend, you might as well know me. 

I started this strange thing back in high school. If I was stressed to the max I would close my eyes surrounding myself in the quiet of blackness. I would imagine opening my eyes and suddenly be in a different world away from everything and everyone. Many times now when I miss you the most I find myself closing my eyes so tightly... It is much easier to go through life blindfolded touching nothing so it hurts nothing. A blindfold of nothingness blinded by the darkness.

Looking back as I got the phone call that changed everything I look at that young girl. I had wisdom that I didn't understand and found strength that some never knew. That doesn't change. Everyone is going to lose loved ones and have to walk that new journey. Walking that journey is easier than going through life alone so it's inevitable. It's a choice to make whether we walk along with our loved ones knowing the road will fork and we will have to go down the dusty path or we walk alone in the darkness feeling nothing in our world. Looking back on this journey I would rather have her here, but since that is not an option I would rather enjoy it and take in the light God gives me.

Time helps deal with pain, but anniversaries only bring feelings to the surface and force you to live that day over and over again in your mind. Acceptance comes with time, but truly just moving past the loss might never happen. I have come to realize THAT IS JUST FINE. We are allowed to mourn as human beings and not brush the pain under the rug. 

It seems like a game. It's a game of dodgeball dodging life as it is thrown at you. One day you look around and somehow you are still standing. It's like an obstacle course where you keep running and running and one day you look around and you are still running when so many others have quit the race.

If I don't write, if I don't think, will she forever be gone? Will anyone remember her? I get angry with myself when I cannot remember things. She was with me for 19 years, yet my mind blocks these parts out and she becomes this figure just standing in my imagination. She is no longer real this way and it is quite easy. Then I will dream of her and she is real again.

I hated the way people treated me or didn’t treat me. When dealing with grief, yes I knew people dealt with it in all possible ways. Even I didn’t know whether I should approach a person in sadness or ignore them for the fact I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing to them, yet I wanted everyone to treat me normally. I wanted people to ask me how I was because if they didn’t, I could see in their eyes they were holding themselves back from wanting to ask me how I was. I hated the silence more than the straight questions. It was a double standard. I wanted people to ask, but I did not want them to feel pity for me.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to make God punish me. I heard a little girl talking at Relay for Life about her cancer and how she would not take it back because she learned to grow from it. I couldn’t figure out what could be so bad. Did I not pray enough? When bad things happen we so quickly try to punish ourselves or blame God. It is easier than facing reality. It is easier to yell at God for hurting you than see a silver lining in the clouds. 

People seem to pray the most when they are on fire. When the fire is extinguished some people just don’t seem to need God. I never thought like that because I needed God on fire or in calm waters. We sin and we are punished by God’s disappointment. I doubt we sin and He decides to have us fall off a cliff and break our leg. I could have never sinned enough to face the punishment of the fire I had walked through.

They always ask if you could change one thing, what would you change? If you could click back the timer to a minute ago. Would you mop up the spilled milk or did the spilled milk teach you to be more careful around glasses full of milk?

 

It angered me when I was in sadness or going through something that the world could just laugh while I cried inside. The people on tv laughing when I turned it on, laughing like their world was perfect. My life was flipped upside down and I felt as if smiling was guilt and laughing made me unethical. I wondered if anyone’s family ever smiled or laughed when bad things happened. How long did time have to move along? When tragedy hits our lives, it starts over again because that is the only way we can seem to deal with it. 

Go Away Rona

 One day in 50 years we need to look back on these posts as a reminder of what all we went through during the pandemic. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of living in fear. Yet, if we don't live in fear, we open ourselves up to death. I'm mad that it's taking so much from my children. Let's just dive in...

Walker doesn't learn about church in school. I'm supposed to be a good parent that teaches my children about Jesus. I have such fond memories of growing up at church. We were just getting plugged in to our church here when this all hit. So, we'll try to keep on praying with him and trying to remember to tell him Bible stories. It's not the same as real church. My church is too big here. We just cannot safely attend yet. I know they are opening it soon, so we shall see. 

This stupid thing is messing up our holiday plans. Will we see Granny at all? She turned 90, and we didn't go because we were afraid with the boys in school to give her anything. She also says she would rather get the virus than be lonely. Selfishly I want to see my dad and Brenda every chance we can. I know we could potentially take this to them, and that scares me to death. Same with Nick's parents. It makes me angry. Our Fall and Winter is usually packed with fun events. I see some popping up here and there. What you have to realize is Carter is too young to really wear a mask, and I can't have him running around at events licking things! I trust Walker. The usual October full of fun festivals is now peppered with little pumpkin patches and maybe a trunk or treat. I think we will still trick or treat at certain houses. Nothing looks the same. 

School is crazy. I feel so disconnected from Walker's school. I've joined the PTA and Site Based committees for our virtual meetings. I've met some teachers... not many. I grew up knowing all the teachers. It's important to me. I want to be involved on a fun level like I'm one of the students. I don't even know what Walker's room looks like. As for Carter, I got to volunteer one day. I'm on the Board at his school as well. I wanted to protect those kids and myself when I volunteered so much, that is was very stressful. I spent a lot of time figuring out the right mask and the right clothing... I cannot imagine what teachers do each day thinking all of these things. 

Here's my equation... it feels as if every time we walk out the door we risk being "shot." You're dodging bullets everywhere. The worst thing is these bullets are invisible. We can try with all our might to dodge them, but we still might get hit. I don't go to a lot of public places. I go to some randoms stores. I know I fail at times with protecting myself from germs. AND, this is the time we usually get colds and sinus infections. It just happens. There's still normal sickness out there. 

There's another thing I have a problem with... It's like bingeing. We do great for so long... then we crash. We had a party for the boys' birthday, granted it was outside in bubbles which are soapy... but, that was playing with fire a little. It's tough to live in this bubble. We want to keep safe, yet we need to live. It's a fine line. 

I planned to go back into the office somewhere doing something... writing, social media, communications... whatever is up my alley. Easier said than done. I'm just a number and name in a pile now. Everyone wants or needs a job. I want to feel more productive. I freelance write a few articles a day. This isn't making me a good salary, but it's something to help. I love the social aspect of work which I don't get at this time. Working remote would be cool as well, but there hasn't been an opportunity. I love to write for companies freelancing so I'll do it all day, but it doesn't give me the production I want or need. 

So here we are. It's quite the norm to see everyone in masks. I never thought about trying to figure out which masks work best. For me, I'll live. For my kids, it's not cool. Carter won't remember, but I don't want Walker missing out on things he will remember... like Halloween events, big birthday parties, amusement parks, festivals and Sunday School at church. 

I know one day it will all be different. It might be far away. I do enjoy the time with my family. We love laughing and talking with friends so it's hard not to go to patios at restaurants a lot. We enjoy our time hanging out with close friends and our family. Still... this corona needs to fly away.

Walker - Kindergarten

Walker started kindergarten a few weeks ago. Of course, it was virtual at first then they went in person. It's still Corona time in this world so virtual is how we live most things in life these days. It's insane. We live in fear many days, and other days we're okay. 

Walker loves people so I'm guessing he loves school. He's usually pretty tired after school so he doesn't tell much. We walk to and from school which takes about five minutes. So at school the kids wear face mask and face shields. It's been tough for me to find the best fit for Walker! He doesn't seem to mind it much.

Carter started the 2s class at Children's Creative Playday. He cried the first day, but I think he's loving it. He's quiet and shy at first then opens up. The teachers wear masks all day. The little kids do not. 

Carter is TWO!!!

                           

This kid is 2.  Time flies, doesn't it?! Carter is sweet and spicy. That's the best way I can describe him. He's very sweet and quiet at first. Then he throws a tantrum with his temper and you're stuck running to the corner away from him.  He knows what he wants. If he doesn't, he will get his stool and drag it to what he wants. He's not afraid to tell you what to do! He's also very much a "Mommy's boy" which makes me smile, yet it's tough at times. He doesn't talk much which worries me a bit. He talks in his own language a lot. I always know what he's saying. This kid has an arm. Like he can throw a football really far. He's a huge athlete. He loves any sports ball. He loves Batman and Paw Patrol right now. Carter does anything his big brother is doing. He wants to be just like Walker. He loves to dance and sing. It makes me laugh. I just love his spirit. He's just happy and ready to tear into anything. Oh, he's not afraid to fall. He jumps and falls and runs into things. He's a bruiser. We call him "Beer Can Crusher!" He'll be the one crushing beer cans on his head. We're blessed by this crazy little boy right here. 

Walker is FIVE

Walker Dean Gray turned FIVE this week!!! We cannot believe we have a 5-year-old. This kid... I always wonder if he'll keep the same personality. He's been the same loud, crazy, social child since he was born. The personality keeps growing!!!

Walker is a pretty cool kid. He's just gotten into Legos this year. We hate them because we step on them. He's still into superheroes and Imaginext, too. He loves to play with Nerf guns. I think it's in little boy's blood. He loves to get on an electronic device and play games. He becomes a zombie so he cannot do that too much. He enjoys watching SpongeBob which is annoying because I don't really like it.

Sometimes he will still pull on my ear like when he was a baby. Last night he fell asleep on the couch and I scooped him up in my arms holding him like a baby. I just watched him for a minute. He hates to fall asleep alone. It's a parent fail, but I don't care. He loves to cuddle. If he's left to fall asleep in his room, he'll roam downstairs a lot. He loves when we read to him then cuddle with him for a little bit as he falls asleep.

Walker is the most social little person I've ever met. He loves going to see new friends. No one is a stranger. He's fun and crazy with them. He doesn't leave anyone out. I wish I had his confidence. He'll walk down the street to visit a neighbor in his underwear.

He hates to get in trouble. He cries when he gets in trouble at school or at home. I hope that sticks with him. He mainly gets in trouble for being mean to his brother or for having an attitude with us.

This quarantine thing is tough on this age of kid. He had to leave school in March, and is to start virtual Kindergarten in the Fall... then they really go at this time at the beginning of September. None of it is normal. He's cried some days missing friends. I've cried trying to keep him entertained. Walker is just taking it in stride playing each day, but it has to be weird. These kids can't go anywhere. It's a strange new normal for them. We play with a few friends, but it's nothing like it was last Summer. Walker is making it somehow. I know he's sad at times. I know it's frustrating.

I see a lot of my weird creative spirit in Walker when he plays with his Lego people or takes videos on my phone. I did the same thing at his age with my tape recorder. I don't know what he'll be in this world. I just hope he keeps the same confidence and personality.

Our world is so much brighter with this little boy in it. He loves Jesus and talks about Heaven. This is great because we've missed out on church since March... school doesn't teach it anymore once you hit elementary so it's all up to us. We always work on Walker to love everyone, and treat everyone the same. He doesn't notice differences much. He just loves making new friends at every corner.

Oh, Walker, keep doing your thing. You're a special kiddo.

Taking Care Of The Boo Boos

Last week Carter fell chasing a rabbit and ripped open his knee. He pointed saying "boo boo" as he cried. I cuddled him and rocked in the chair. I thought to myself how lucky he was to have someone loving on him like that. I flashed back to my parents loving on me. I'm not the most affectionate, but they never gave up on me. My dad still wraps me in a bear hug and doesn't let me try to wrestle my way out! If only we could protect them forever.

Skinned Knees Hurt

Life is trying to get back to some sort of normalcy, but it isn't happening in a blink of an eye. In the middle of Corona, we're hit with police brutality of black people, then riots and protests. Everyone is supposed to stand up and fight for what we believe in. I don't voice my opinion on much because that's just who I am... and even that is wrong in society because apparently by doing this, I'm letting whatever movement go forward without me. I'm doing a Bible study about being "too nice," and yep, that's me. Nice is a bad word in a sense because by being too nice we're walked on, we don't stand up enough and it can even be manipulative. I think I'll just stay in my corner on a public forum. Of course, I think all lives matter. We've been fighting inequality since the biblical times. I read in my bible study book about a woman who is written about in history books that was mauled to death by animals where they would bring you out with a stadium watching your horrible death, this happened because she was a Christian. This means she was brave, not nice. Anyway... we just hang in there in the middle of a crazy world to raise these little boys. We just want things to return to some sense of normal so Nick and/or I can hopefully get back on the job train. Places are just now starting to hire... or they say July... I swear, God's in control, but it's so hard to see.

I thought of something I had to share and write about. Walker will be 5 next month. I was talking to him the other day apologizing about his year. In his 4th year he's had it tough... He lost both his cat and dog, his school year ended early and this kid loves his friends, his best friends in the neighborhood moved away, and he's for sure had to feel the stress we've felt as Nick lost his job. Kids are so resilient. He just makes it work. Sometimes I see him sad because he truly misses all his buddies, and is exuberant as they slowly come back around. I want to heal the boo boos in his heart. He still talks about God and Jesus even though he hasn't been able to go to actual church in a long time. I got on to myself for not reading little Bible stories to him more or educating him like I should about it all. I talk to him about the things going on in the world telling him to love everyone equally. He could care less what anyone looks like. As long as you play with him, he doesn't care. I'm just in awe of kids in general. We need to be like them. They're powerful and special.

Yep... that's it... The pools are still closed so we got ourselves a little inflatable one. It sure makes us miss our big nice pool in Las Vegas. We go to the lake a bit so that's fun, too. We have my dad's, Nick's dad's birthday and Father's Day this month so we're excited to share our gifts and love with them. I love sunshine. It keeps us going mentally and physically. Lord knows we need it right now.

Our best twin friends moved :(

Playing with the neighbors

Our BFF Colin came to visit

The New Normal

It's supposed to be the time of year when we pack our bags of snacks and suncreen heading out to the pool. All of the city pools and the HOA pools around us are closed. It's officially Summer around here. We can go to the lake, but you can't do that every day. Life is flipped in this weird way, and we're trying to figure it all out. Nick is still out of a job. We apply every day. He networks. Places are on hiring freezes. One makes more on unemployment than many jobs, yet that cannot last forever. I do my freelance writing and virtual assistant work. I could go back to work in an office or remotely as well. This Coronavirus and all of 2020 are like living in a strange dream.

This year is sort of like the end of a fireworks show. Hear me out. So God just started going "boom boom boom." Corona boom. Murder hornets boom boom boom. Senseless killings boom boom. Release the cicadas booooom boom. Riots and looting boom boom boom boom. I don't want to dive into anything deep regarding these riots and protests. In fact, it's overshadowing the Covid-19 news so now I sometimes forget about the pandemic. I'll simply say on a public forum my heart hurts. This isn't new in the world though. Equality has been thrown off for centuries. I want to raise my boys to love everyone. Walker knows there are different colors of hair and skin and eyes, but he doesn't care. Maybe we should all see through the eyes of children.

I don't know if the Coronavirus numbers are really changing or we're all just so tired of it that we've given up. I know Nick and I still wear our masks. We don't go to big stores. When we went to Orange Beach with the family it was like a breath of fresh air. We weren't immersed in the news the entire time. We still don't see a million people, but we are no longer afraid to see close friends. Maybe we're in the wrong. I honestly don't know anymore. I know Walker misses his school friends. I know Carter is missing out on a lot of social growth by not being able to attend the church nursery or take Walker to school drop off. Thank God for friends that play with him and treat him like a kid instead of a baby. And, I don't know how these numbers will grow or decrease to affect their joint birthday celebration in August or kindergarten or the 2's class. So we just sit back and wait. That's the worst. The not knowing the future. I'm a planner. In fact, we don't know which company will hire Nick. We don't know what date that is. We are in this floating realm. I don't like to float.

So we remain in church through Zoom Bible studies and online streams. We peck away at job applications. I write articles. The boys play with little friends. We search for a little pool we can place in the yard so they don't melt. We head to the lake with our floaties and sunblock. I don't know if the Rapture is coming or God wants us all to chill out instead of going full speed or what the heck He's doing up there. I'm just holding on for this ride.