Is Vacation Over Yet?

I promised to keep up this blog for myself and the future, yet life gets in the way. I realize this all has been going on since the middle of March. Our lives have been thrown upside down. Sometimes I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then I get frightful and try to just sit still.Sometimes I feel like this is vacation. Do you ever think at some point in vacation, okay, I've had a blast, but it's time to get back to real life? Not to say this is a blast, but this is time with my family. This is time without a million things on the calendar. I miss the hustle and bustle because I like to stay busy. On the other hand, it's nice to just relish in the cuddles and the time with my family.

One of the worst, weird things is we lost a family member last week. One of my Dad's cousin's spouses passed away. This would usually be something where we all travel there. We hug and share old memories, and just be together. They held a sort of a "drive up" funeral today. It baffles me, it saddens me. In this time when we aren't supposed to hug. This virus has taken away something that makes us whole. I can't even begin to explain what this virus has taken away in the world. The biggest thing is the fear that it has given all of us because we have no idea what is going to happen out of it.

They said yesterday no school the rest of the year. My son is only 4 years old. I cannot put myself in the shoes of those that have older children where school is so important. BUT, I can put myself in his little shoes. He misses his friends so much. Walker is a very social little boy. When he gets to see his friends on Zoom calls, he lights up and gets crazy. For his age, we don't get to have a little Pre-K graduation. We don't get the end of the year goodbyes. We don't get the excitement as Summer approaches. And, we don't know what the Summer holds... or even Fall. I want both boys to get to go to little Summer camps, VBS... all that stuff. I have no idea how this will pan out. What if this all comes back in the Fall? We seriously don't know. That is the worst thing about all of it. The not knowing. It breaks me for all of these kids. Sitting the four year old down to actually learn can be done, but I'm not a teacher to him. I know my ways of teaching him, but I don't know if he is really getting it. Then you look at the younger child. At this age we want Carter to learn to be social and basic skills. The good news is he's pretty good at letting go of me because I've thrown him in gym daycare and church nursery most of his life... but, I just hope he figures out how to be social with other kids as much as his big brother.

The weeks go on as if it is Groundhog Day every day. I'm okay at times just at peace knowing it's going to be okay. I wake up at other times stressing out over family members. Worried this will take them. I worry about the future of our jobs. It's weird as I realized we are all in a sense equal at this time just in this weird place. The virus doesn't care who you are as it attacks you. No one is too busy. We are stripped down to the bare bones of life. During Bible Study they asked how we rejoice in this trial. I don't think I'm doing too much rejoicing. It would be better if I wasn't scared to death.

So that's where we are at. Our usual month of Easter eggs hunts was taken away. The boys did have a hunt. Walker asked why we celebrate Easter and I tried to explain it the best way possible. We did everything we could to make it all normal. I do see the world getting a little better as we pass the time. It's just scary not to know. I will miss the extended cuddles and exciting Zoom calls, the knowing everyone is home and no one is too busy... I will be more than happy though to get a real, tight hug in person.

Let's Survive

"Let's not just survive, let's get stronger."

Here we are. Not sure what day it is anymore. I have so many thoughts rumbling through my head, and the best way I thrive is to write. It's weird since I pretty much do freelance writing for money so sitting down to write a blog for no money isn't in the top of my wheelhouse. I need to document this time. At night I lay my head on the pillow and groan... I know it's time to pray and I am just hopeless at this time. I say, Hello, God, where you at?

Now, I know looking back there will be a lot of times I see God's hand. I don't much right now. I do realize at this time that our layoff might be a blessing. Now Nick's former employer has furloughed almost all employees without pay for two months. Atleast we have severance. That said, the job market is gone pretty much. He can make more on unemployment than most jobs. Once this lifts, we just pray all of our hard work pays off. He won't stop trudging each day talking to recruiters and finding his next option. It's almost comforting that the whole world is in this with you.

Half of the time we live in fear. Sometimes I want to rebel and just go shopping. Our neighbors bring us pizza. We stand six feet from them and chat in the front yard. In fact, we walk all day and night and see more people than ever before. Entire families out walking together. The family in the culdesac sits in their lawn chairs each day. It almost brings us to simpler times in a sense. The family is just together. On the other hand, I miss my parents so much. I want to go home this month to see Dad and Brenda. I yearn to just hang out with them and watch TV on their couch. I worry for them, I worry for Nick's parents. I have a friend whose mom is fighting in the hospital with this virus. She is in tip top shape, yet her lungs are filled with pneumonia.

They said on the news it is like an imaginary gunman. You don't know when you will get hit. I feel like I am again playing dodgeball. I try to be careful in all I do, but heck if I know if I'm doing it all properly. We go on many walks alone and as a family. My gym is closed so I am trying to stay in shape this way. We also probably snack too much so it might all even out! It's hard at the stores to know as I do an online order if I can get meat or pasta this week! I am too paranoid to go into the store. It's crazy that fear is just holding me down. Nick's mom brought us over some chicken from Aldi, it's all cooked now. So let's hope Kroger or Wal Mart has my chicken on order, or I might just have to go in. Ugh, I don't want to live in that fear.

The boys are fine. Walker misses his friends so much. He cries about his little school friends. I'm thankful for technology they can see one another on the screens. I worry about his education, he's only 4... but, is he getting behind? I'm trying to help him learn, but I don't know if I'm doing it correctly! He learns so much at school! Other times it's nice to just have this time with the boys. We sleep "in" until 7:30, and they come snuggle with us. We aren't in a rush. However, then there's the guilt of am I getting enough work done and engaging them at the same time? Did I give them enough attention today? I need to make my writing money, so am I balancing that and teaching Walker enough and spending enough time with them? Is Nick going to kill me after hanging with me way too much? We definitely get on each other's nerves! Am I helping him apply for jobs enough? Am I cooking and cleaning well enough? Are we doing this right???

This also is a time to get back to the roots of connection. No one is too busy to talk. I spend a good amount of time texting and/or calling my close friends and loved ones. We all check on one another. Everyone is in this together. At this time everyone is just equal trying to weather this storm together. I say equal, but those on the front lines are a lot higher and mightier than me! I cannot even name them all, but they're the heroes right now.

I'll leave it with some of my fave photos of our life right now. I hope this passes and life is even better. We have to live day to day right now. While we want to sleep and fast forward, we cannot. We have to just figure out what we are learning through all of this. The pastor said it best, Lets' not just survive, let's get stronger."

Walker loves to take my phone and edit photos.

We feel ya. Annoyance.

Found bluebonnets in our neighborhood.

School Time

Lots of Outdoor Time

Library Time

Exploring the nature park