Go Away Rona

 One day in 50 years we need to look back on these posts as a reminder of what all we went through during the pandemic. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of living in fear. Yet, if we don't live in fear, we open ourselves up to death. I'm mad that it's taking so much from my children. Let's just dive in...

Walker doesn't learn about church in school. I'm supposed to be a good parent that teaches my children about Jesus. I have such fond memories of growing up at church. We were just getting plugged in to our church here when this all hit. So, we'll try to keep on praying with him and trying to remember to tell him Bible stories. It's not the same as real church. My church is too big here. We just cannot safely attend yet. I know they are opening it soon, so we shall see. 

This stupid thing is messing up our holiday plans. Will we see Granny at all? She turned 90, and we didn't go because we were afraid with the boys in school to give her anything. She also says she would rather get the virus than be lonely. Selfishly I want to see my dad and Brenda every chance we can. I know we could potentially take this to them, and that scares me to death. Same with Nick's parents. It makes me angry. Our Fall and Winter is usually packed with fun events. I see some popping up here and there. What you have to realize is Carter is too young to really wear a mask, and I can't have him running around at events licking things! I trust Walker. The usual October full of fun festivals is now peppered with little pumpkin patches and maybe a trunk or treat. I think we will still trick or treat at certain houses. Nothing looks the same. 

School is crazy. I feel so disconnected from Walker's school. I've joined the PTA and Site Based committees for our virtual meetings. I've met some teachers... not many. I grew up knowing all the teachers. It's important to me. I want to be involved on a fun level like I'm one of the students. I don't even know what Walker's room looks like. As for Carter, I got to volunteer one day. I'm on the Board at his school as well. I wanted to protect those kids and myself when I volunteered so much, that is was very stressful. I spent a lot of time figuring out the right mask and the right clothing... I cannot imagine what teachers do each day thinking all of these things. 

Here's my equation... it feels as if every time we walk out the door we risk being "shot." You're dodging bullets everywhere. The worst thing is these bullets are invisible. We can try with all our might to dodge them, but we still might get hit. I don't go to a lot of public places. I go to some randoms stores. I know I fail at times with protecting myself from germs. AND, this is the time we usually get colds and sinus infections. It just happens. There's still normal sickness out there. 

There's another thing I have a problem with... It's like bingeing. We do great for so long... then we crash. We had a party for the boys' birthday, granted it was outside in bubbles which are soapy... but, that was playing with fire a little. It's tough to live in this bubble. We want to keep safe, yet we need to live. It's a fine line. 

I planned to go back into the office somewhere doing something... writing, social media, communications... whatever is up my alley. Easier said than done. I'm just a number and name in a pile now. Everyone wants or needs a job. I want to feel more productive. I freelance write a few articles a day. This isn't making me a good salary, but it's something to help. I love the social aspect of work which I don't get at this time. Working remote would be cool as well, but there hasn't been an opportunity. I love to write for companies freelancing so I'll do it all day, but it doesn't give me the production I want or need. 

So here we are. It's quite the norm to see everyone in masks. I never thought about trying to figure out which masks work best. For me, I'll live. For my kids, it's not cool. Carter won't remember, but I don't want Walker missing out on things he will remember... like Halloween events, big birthday parties, amusement parks, festivals and Sunday School at church. 

I know one day it will all be different. It might be far away. I do enjoy the time with my family. We love laughing and talking with friends so it's hard not to go to patios at restaurants a lot. We enjoy our time hanging out with close friends and our family. Still... this corona needs to fly away.

Walker - Kindergarten

Walker started kindergarten a few weeks ago. Of course, it was virtual at first then they went in person. It's still Corona time in this world so virtual is how we live most things in life these days. It's insane. We live in fear many days, and other days we're okay. 

Walker loves people so I'm guessing he loves school. He's usually pretty tired after school so he doesn't tell much. We walk to and from school which takes about five minutes. So at school the kids wear face mask and face shields. It's been tough for me to find the best fit for Walker! He doesn't seem to mind it much.

Carter started the 2s class at Children's Creative Playday. He cried the first day, but I think he's loving it. He's quiet and shy at first then opens up. The teachers wear masks all day. The little kids do not. 

Carter is TWO!!!

                           

This kid is 2.  Time flies, doesn't it?! Carter is sweet and spicy. That's the best way I can describe him. He's very sweet and quiet at first. Then he throws a tantrum with his temper and you're stuck running to the corner away from him.  He knows what he wants. If he doesn't, he will get his stool and drag it to what he wants. He's not afraid to tell you what to do! He's also very much a "Mommy's boy" which makes me smile, yet it's tough at times. He doesn't talk much which worries me a bit. He talks in his own language a lot. I always know what he's saying. This kid has an arm. Like he can throw a football really far. He's a huge athlete. He loves any sports ball. He loves Batman and Paw Patrol right now. Carter does anything his big brother is doing. He wants to be just like Walker. He loves to dance and sing. It makes me laugh. I just love his spirit. He's just happy and ready to tear into anything. Oh, he's not afraid to fall. He jumps and falls and runs into things. He's a bruiser. We call him "Beer Can Crusher!" He'll be the one crushing beer cans on his head. We're blessed by this crazy little boy right here. 

Walker is FIVE

Walker Dean Gray turned FIVE this week!!! We cannot believe we have a 5-year-old. This kid... I always wonder if he'll keep the same personality. He's been the same loud, crazy, social child since he was born. The personality keeps growing!!!

Walker is a pretty cool kid. He's just gotten into Legos this year. We hate them because we step on them. He's still into superheroes and Imaginext, too. He loves to play with Nerf guns. I think it's in little boy's blood. He loves to get on an electronic device and play games. He becomes a zombie so he cannot do that too much. He enjoys watching SpongeBob which is annoying because I don't really like it.

Sometimes he will still pull on my ear like when he was a baby. Last night he fell asleep on the couch and I scooped him up in my arms holding him like a baby. I just watched him for a minute. He hates to fall asleep alone. It's a parent fail, but I don't care. He loves to cuddle. If he's left to fall asleep in his room, he'll roam downstairs a lot. He loves when we read to him then cuddle with him for a little bit as he falls asleep.

Walker is the most social little person I've ever met. He loves going to see new friends. No one is a stranger. He's fun and crazy with them. He doesn't leave anyone out. I wish I had his confidence. He'll walk down the street to visit a neighbor in his underwear.

He hates to get in trouble. He cries when he gets in trouble at school or at home. I hope that sticks with him. He mainly gets in trouble for being mean to his brother or for having an attitude with us.

This quarantine thing is tough on this age of kid. He had to leave school in March, and is to start virtual Kindergarten in the Fall... then they really go at this time at the beginning of September. None of it is normal. He's cried some days missing friends. I've cried trying to keep him entertained. Walker is just taking it in stride playing each day, but it has to be weird. These kids can't go anywhere. It's a strange new normal for them. We play with a few friends, but it's nothing like it was last Summer. Walker is making it somehow. I know he's sad at times. I know it's frustrating.

I see a lot of my weird creative spirit in Walker when he plays with his Lego people or takes videos on my phone. I did the same thing at his age with my tape recorder. I don't know what he'll be in this world. I just hope he keeps the same confidence and personality.

Our world is so much brighter with this little boy in it. He loves Jesus and talks about Heaven. This is great because we've missed out on church since March... school doesn't teach it anymore once you hit elementary so it's all up to us. We always work on Walker to love everyone, and treat everyone the same. He doesn't notice differences much. He just loves making new friends at every corner.

Oh, Walker, keep doing your thing. You're a special kiddo.

Taking Care Of The Boo Boos

Last week Carter fell chasing a rabbit and ripped open his knee. He pointed saying "boo boo" as he cried. I cuddled him and rocked in the chair. I thought to myself how lucky he was to have someone loving on him like that. I flashed back to my parents loving on me. I'm not the most affectionate, but they never gave up on me. My dad still wraps me in a bear hug and doesn't let me try to wrestle my way out! If only we could protect them forever.

Skinned Knees Hurt

Life is trying to get back to some sort of normalcy, but it isn't happening in a blink of an eye. In the middle of Corona, we're hit with police brutality of black people, then riots and protests. Everyone is supposed to stand up and fight for what we believe in. I don't voice my opinion on much because that's just who I am... and even that is wrong in society because apparently by doing this, I'm letting whatever movement go forward without me. I'm doing a Bible study about being "too nice," and yep, that's me. Nice is a bad word in a sense because by being too nice we're walked on, we don't stand up enough and it can even be manipulative. I think I'll just stay in my corner on a public forum. Of course, I think all lives matter. We've been fighting inequality since the biblical times. I read in my bible study book about a woman who is written about in history books that was mauled to death by animals where they would bring you out with a stadium watching your horrible death, this happened because she was a Christian. This means she was brave, not nice. Anyway... we just hang in there in the middle of a crazy world to raise these little boys. We just want things to return to some sense of normal so Nick and/or I can hopefully get back on the job train. Places are just now starting to hire... or they say July... I swear, God's in control, but it's so hard to see.

I thought of something I had to share and write about. Walker will be 5 next month. I was talking to him the other day apologizing about his year. In his 4th year he's had it tough... He lost both his cat and dog, his school year ended early and this kid loves his friends, his best friends in the neighborhood moved away, and he's for sure had to feel the stress we've felt as Nick lost his job. Kids are so resilient. He just makes it work. Sometimes I see him sad because he truly misses all his buddies, and is exuberant as they slowly come back around. I want to heal the boo boos in his heart. He still talks about God and Jesus even though he hasn't been able to go to actual church in a long time. I got on to myself for not reading little Bible stories to him more or educating him like I should about it all. I talk to him about the things going on in the world telling him to love everyone equally. He could care less what anyone looks like. As long as you play with him, he doesn't care. I'm just in awe of kids in general. We need to be like them. They're powerful and special.

Yep... that's it... The pools are still closed so we got ourselves a little inflatable one. It sure makes us miss our big nice pool in Las Vegas. We go to the lake a bit so that's fun, too. We have my dad's, Nick's dad's birthday and Father's Day this month so we're excited to share our gifts and love with them. I love sunshine. It keeps us going mentally and physically. Lord knows we need it right now.

Our best twin friends moved :(

Playing with the neighbors

Our BFF Colin came to visit

The New Normal

It's supposed to be the time of year when we pack our bags of snacks and suncreen heading out to the pool. All of the city pools and the HOA pools around us are closed. It's officially Summer around here. We can go to the lake, but you can't do that every day. Life is flipped in this weird way, and we're trying to figure it all out. Nick is still out of a job. We apply every day. He networks. Places are on hiring freezes. One makes more on unemployment than many jobs, yet that cannot last forever. I do my freelance writing and virtual assistant work. I could go back to work in an office or remotely as well. This Coronavirus and all of 2020 are like living in a strange dream.

This year is sort of like the end of a fireworks show. Hear me out. So God just started going "boom boom boom." Corona boom. Murder hornets boom boom boom. Senseless killings boom boom. Release the cicadas booooom boom. Riots and looting boom boom boom boom. I don't want to dive into anything deep regarding these riots and protests. In fact, it's overshadowing the Covid-19 news so now I sometimes forget about the pandemic. I'll simply say on a public forum my heart hurts. This isn't new in the world though. Equality has been thrown off for centuries. I want to raise my boys to love everyone. Walker knows there are different colors of hair and skin and eyes, but he doesn't care. Maybe we should all see through the eyes of children.

I don't know if the Coronavirus numbers are really changing or we're all just so tired of it that we've given up. I know Nick and I still wear our masks. We don't go to big stores. When we went to Orange Beach with the family it was like a breath of fresh air. We weren't immersed in the news the entire time. We still don't see a million people, but we are no longer afraid to see close friends. Maybe we're in the wrong. I honestly don't know anymore. I know Walker misses his school friends. I know Carter is missing out on a lot of social growth by not being able to attend the church nursery or take Walker to school drop off. Thank God for friends that play with him and treat him like a kid instead of a baby. And, I don't know how these numbers will grow or decrease to affect their joint birthday celebration in August or kindergarten or the 2's class. So we just sit back and wait. That's the worst. The not knowing the future. I'm a planner. In fact, we don't know which company will hire Nick. We don't know what date that is. We are in this floating realm. I don't like to float.

So we remain in church through Zoom Bible studies and online streams. We peck away at job applications. I write articles. The boys play with little friends. We search for a little pool we can place in the yard so they don't melt. We head to the lake with our floaties and sunblock. I don't know if the Rapture is coming or God wants us all to chill out instead of going full speed or what the heck He's doing up there. I'm just holding on for this ride.

Is Vacation Over Yet?

I promised to keep up this blog for myself and the future, yet life gets in the way. I realize this all has been going on since the middle of March. Our lives have been thrown upside down. Sometimes I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then I get frightful and try to just sit still.Sometimes I feel like this is vacation. Do you ever think at some point in vacation, okay, I've had a blast, but it's time to get back to real life? Not to say this is a blast, but this is time with my family. This is time without a million things on the calendar. I miss the hustle and bustle because I like to stay busy. On the other hand, it's nice to just relish in the cuddles and the time with my family.

One of the worst, weird things is we lost a family member last week. One of my Dad's cousin's spouses passed away. This would usually be something where we all travel there. We hug and share old memories, and just be together. They held a sort of a "drive up" funeral today. It baffles me, it saddens me. In this time when we aren't supposed to hug. This virus has taken away something that makes us whole. I can't even begin to explain what this virus has taken away in the world. The biggest thing is the fear that it has given all of us because we have no idea what is going to happen out of it.

They said yesterday no school the rest of the year. My son is only 4 years old. I cannot put myself in the shoes of those that have older children where school is so important. BUT, I can put myself in his little shoes. He misses his friends so much. Walker is a very social little boy. When he gets to see his friends on Zoom calls, he lights up and gets crazy. For his age, we don't get to have a little Pre-K graduation. We don't get the end of the year goodbyes. We don't get the excitement as Summer approaches. And, we don't know what the Summer holds... or even Fall. I want both boys to get to go to little Summer camps, VBS... all that stuff. I have no idea how this will pan out. What if this all comes back in the Fall? We seriously don't know. That is the worst thing about all of it. The not knowing. It breaks me for all of these kids. Sitting the four year old down to actually learn can be done, but I'm not a teacher to him. I know my ways of teaching him, but I don't know if he is really getting it. Then you look at the younger child. At this age we want Carter to learn to be social and basic skills. The good news is he's pretty good at letting go of me because I've thrown him in gym daycare and church nursery most of his life... but, I just hope he figures out how to be social with other kids as much as his big brother.

The weeks go on as if it is Groundhog Day every day. I'm okay at times just at peace knowing it's going to be okay. I wake up at other times stressing out over family members. Worried this will take them. I worry about the future of our jobs. It's weird as I realized we are all in a sense equal at this time just in this weird place. The virus doesn't care who you are as it attacks you. No one is too busy. We are stripped down to the bare bones of life. During Bible Study they asked how we rejoice in this trial. I don't think I'm doing too much rejoicing. It would be better if I wasn't scared to death.

So that's where we are at. Our usual month of Easter eggs hunts was taken away. The boys did have a hunt. Walker asked why we celebrate Easter and I tried to explain it the best way possible. We did everything we could to make it all normal. I do see the world getting a little better as we pass the time. It's just scary not to know. I will miss the extended cuddles and exciting Zoom calls, the knowing everyone is home and no one is too busy... I will be more than happy though to get a real, tight hug in person.

Let's Survive

"Let's not just survive, let's get stronger."

Here we are. Not sure what day it is anymore. I have so many thoughts rumbling through my head, and the best way I thrive is to write. It's weird since I pretty much do freelance writing for money so sitting down to write a blog for no money isn't in the top of my wheelhouse. I need to document this time. At night I lay my head on the pillow and groan... I know it's time to pray and I am just hopeless at this time. I say, Hello, God, where you at?

Now, I know looking back there will be a lot of times I see God's hand. I don't much right now. I do realize at this time that our layoff might be a blessing. Now Nick's former employer has furloughed almost all employees without pay for two months. Atleast we have severance. That said, the job market is gone pretty much. He can make more on unemployment than most jobs. Once this lifts, we just pray all of our hard work pays off. He won't stop trudging each day talking to recruiters and finding his next option. It's almost comforting that the whole world is in this with you.

Half of the time we live in fear. Sometimes I want to rebel and just go shopping. Our neighbors bring us pizza. We stand six feet from them and chat in the front yard. In fact, we walk all day and night and see more people than ever before. Entire families out walking together. The family in the culdesac sits in their lawn chairs each day. It almost brings us to simpler times in a sense. The family is just together. On the other hand, I miss my parents so much. I want to go home this month to see Dad and Brenda. I yearn to just hang out with them and watch TV on their couch. I worry for them, I worry for Nick's parents. I have a friend whose mom is fighting in the hospital with this virus. She is in tip top shape, yet her lungs are filled with pneumonia.

They said on the news it is like an imaginary gunman. You don't know when you will get hit. I feel like I am again playing dodgeball. I try to be careful in all I do, but heck if I know if I'm doing it all properly. We go on many walks alone and as a family. My gym is closed so I am trying to stay in shape this way. We also probably snack too much so it might all even out! It's hard at the stores to know as I do an online order if I can get meat or pasta this week! I am too paranoid to go into the store. It's crazy that fear is just holding me down. Nick's mom brought us over some chicken from Aldi, it's all cooked now. So let's hope Kroger or Wal Mart has my chicken on order, or I might just have to go in. Ugh, I don't want to live in that fear.

The boys are fine. Walker misses his friends so much. He cries about his little school friends. I'm thankful for technology they can see one another on the screens. I worry about his education, he's only 4... but, is he getting behind? I'm trying to help him learn, but I don't know if I'm doing it correctly! He learns so much at school! Other times it's nice to just have this time with the boys. We sleep "in" until 7:30, and they come snuggle with us. We aren't in a rush. However, then there's the guilt of am I getting enough work done and engaging them at the same time? Did I give them enough attention today? I need to make my writing money, so am I balancing that and teaching Walker enough and spending enough time with them? Is Nick going to kill me after hanging with me way too much? We definitely get on each other's nerves! Am I helping him apply for jobs enough? Am I cooking and cleaning well enough? Are we doing this right???

This also is a time to get back to the roots of connection. No one is too busy to talk. I spend a good amount of time texting and/or calling my close friends and loved ones. We all check on one another. Everyone is in this together. At this time everyone is just equal trying to weather this storm together. I say equal, but those on the front lines are a lot higher and mightier than me! I cannot even name them all, but they're the heroes right now.

I'll leave it with some of my fave photos of our life right now. I hope this passes and life is even better. We have to live day to day right now. While we want to sleep and fast forward, we cannot. We have to just figure out what we are learning through all of this. The pastor said it best, Lets' not just survive, let's get stronger."

Walker loves to take my phone and edit photos.

We feel ya. Annoyance.

Found bluebonnets in our neighborhood.

School Time

Lots of Outdoor Time

Library Time

Exploring the nature park