Is Vacation Over Yet?

I promised to keep up this blog for myself and the future, yet life gets in the way. I realize this all has been going on since the middle of March. Our lives have been thrown upside down. Sometimes I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then I get frightful and try to just sit still.Sometimes I feel like this is vacation. Do you ever think at some point in vacation, okay, I've had a blast, but it's time to get back to real life? Not to say this is a blast, but this is time with my family. This is time without a million things on the calendar. I miss the hustle and bustle because I like to stay busy. On the other hand, it's nice to just relish in the cuddles and the time with my family.

One of the worst, weird things is we lost a family member last week. One of my Dad's cousin's spouses passed away. This would usually be something where we all travel there. We hug and share old memories, and just be together. They held a sort of a "drive up" funeral today. It baffles me, it saddens me. In this time when we aren't supposed to hug. This virus has taken away something that makes us whole. I can't even begin to explain what this virus has taken away in the world. The biggest thing is the fear that it has given all of us because we have no idea what is going to happen out of it.

They said yesterday no school the rest of the year. My son is only 4 years old. I cannot put myself in the shoes of those that have older children where school is so important. BUT, I can put myself in his little shoes. He misses his friends so much. Walker is a very social little boy. When he gets to see his friends on Zoom calls, he lights up and gets crazy. For his age, we don't get to have a little Pre-K graduation. We don't get the end of the year goodbyes. We don't get the excitement as Summer approaches. And, we don't know what the Summer holds... or even Fall. I want both boys to get to go to little Summer camps, VBS... all that stuff. I have no idea how this will pan out. What if this all comes back in the Fall? We seriously don't know. That is the worst thing about all of it. The not knowing. It breaks me for all of these kids. Sitting the four year old down to actually learn can be done, but I'm not a teacher to him. I know my ways of teaching him, but I don't know if he is really getting it. Then you look at the younger child. At this age we want Carter to learn to be social and basic skills. The good news is he's pretty good at letting go of me because I've thrown him in gym daycare and church nursery most of his life... but, I just hope he figures out how to be social with other kids as much as his big brother.

The weeks go on as if it is Groundhog Day every day. I'm okay at times just at peace knowing it's going to be okay. I wake up at other times stressing out over family members. Worried this will take them. I worry about the future of our jobs. It's weird as I realized we are all in a sense equal at this time just in this weird place. The virus doesn't care who you are as it attacks you. No one is too busy. We are stripped down to the bare bones of life. During Bible Study they asked how we rejoice in this trial. I don't think I'm doing too much rejoicing. It would be better if I wasn't scared to death.

So that's where we are at. Our usual month of Easter eggs hunts was taken away. The boys did have a hunt. Walker asked why we celebrate Easter and I tried to explain it the best way possible. We did everything we could to make it all normal. I do see the world getting a little better as we pass the time. It's just scary not to know. I will miss the extended cuddles and exciting Zoom calls, the knowing everyone is home and no one is too busy... I will be more than happy though to get a real, tight hug in person.

Let's Survive

"Let's not just survive, let's get stronger."

Here we are. Not sure what day it is anymore. I have so many thoughts rumbling through my head, and the best way I thrive is to write. It's weird since I pretty much do freelance writing for money so sitting down to write a blog for no money isn't in the top of my wheelhouse. I need to document this time. At night I lay my head on the pillow and groan... I know it's time to pray and I am just hopeless at this time. I say, Hello, God, where you at?

Now, I know looking back there will be a lot of times I see God's hand. I don't much right now. I do realize at this time that our layoff might be a blessing. Now Nick's former employer has furloughed almost all employees without pay for two months. Atleast we have severance. That said, the job market is gone pretty much. He can make more on unemployment than most jobs. Once this lifts, we just pray all of our hard work pays off. He won't stop trudging each day talking to recruiters and finding his next option. It's almost comforting that the whole world is in this with you.

Half of the time we live in fear. Sometimes I want to rebel and just go shopping. Our neighbors bring us pizza. We stand six feet from them and chat in the front yard. In fact, we walk all day and night and see more people than ever before. Entire families out walking together. The family in the culdesac sits in their lawn chairs each day. It almost brings us to simpler times in a sense. The family is just together. On the other hand, I miss my parents so much. I want to go home this month to see Dad and Brenda. I yearn to just hang out with them and watch TV on their couch. I worry for them, I worry for Nick's parents. I have a friend whose mom is fighting in the hospital with this virus. She is in tip top shape, yet her lungs are filled with pneumonia.

They said on the news it is like an imaginary gunman. You don't know when you will get hit. I feel like I am again playing dodgeball. I try to be careful in all I do, but heck if I know if I'm doing it all properly. We go on many walks alone and as a family. My gym is closed so I am trying to stay in shape this way. We also probably snack too much so it might all even out! It's hard at the stores to know as I do an online order if I can get meat or pasta this week! I am too paranoid to go into the store. It's crazy that fear is just holding me down. Nick's mom brought us over some chicken from Aldi, it's all cooked now. So let's hope Kroger or Wal Mart has my chicken on order, or I might just have to go in. Ugh, I don't want to live in that fear.

The boys are fine. Walker misses his friends so much. He cries about his little school friends. I'm thankful for technology they can see one another on the screens. I worry about his education, he's only 4... but, is he getting behind? I'm trying to help him learn, but I don't know if I'm doing it correctly! He learns so much at school! Other times it's nice to just have this time with the boys. We sleep "in" until 7:30, and they come snuggle with us. We aren't in a rush. However, then there's the guilt of am I getting enough work done and engaging them at the same time? Did I give them enough attention today? I need to make my writing money, so am I balancing that and teaching Walker enough and spending enough time with them? Is Nick going to kill me after hanging with me way too much? We definitely get on each other's nerves! Am I helping him apply for jobs enough? Am I cooking and cleaning well enough? Are we doing this right???

This also is a time to get back to the roots of connection. No one is too busy to talk. I spend a good amount of time texting and/or calling my close friends and loved ones. We all check on one another. Everyone is in this together. At this time everyone is just equal trying to weather this storm together. I say equal, but those on the front lines are a lot higher and mightier than me! I cannot even name them all, but they're the heroes right now.

I'll leave it with some of my fave photos of our life right now. I hope this passes and life is even better. We have to live day to day right now. While we want to sleep and fast forward, we cannot. We have to just figure out what we are learning through all of this. The pastor said it best, Lets' not just survive, let's get stronger."

Walker loves to take my phone and edit photos.

We feel ya. Annoyance.

Found bluebonnets in our neighborhood.

School Time

Lots of Outdoor Time

Library Time

Exploring the nature park

The Vortex

Here we are in the midst of the coronavirus that's taken over the world. I cannot honestly say how any of us are... yesterday I was really down and confused. Today the sun is out so it's a whole new outlook.

Some people say God took away everything we idolize. Yes, but why take away church? The way we get people to Him. It does make us focus on only the things that matter. Heck, He shut down the salons so a woman's beauty maintenance is even taken away! Joke's on everyone else that my hair girl comes to my house ha... seriously though, we are forced by the exterior world to be inside (or in our yards) with our family. Everything else is stripped away. For me, I'm a very social person so it's hard to take away those friendships where I see people. I like to shop and just browse the aisles. I love to go to the gym. I like to randomly stop in a store and grab a little snack. It's those weird little things that you seem to notice as well.

I honestly forget that Nick is laid off at this time. It's like we're all in this weird vortex that I cannot even see past all of this. I have this weird faith that he will find what he needs after all of this is over. I don't fret over it as much. I've been doing so much of my own work that I forget to bask in the stress of it all. I can freak out if I sit and worry and wonder what's next. I just cannot do that.

I'm not great at homeschooling Walker... not sure if a 4 year old counts as homeschool, but there's a lot of little academics!!! He plays most of the time so I believe play is where he learns. We do take time out to do all of our little activities. But, I don't know if I'm near as great as some moms! I just try to make it as fun as possible for him. We learn, but he doesn't know it's learning at times! We spell things that are in the room... count things... draw things. We let Carter in to sing and dance with us. It's actually good time with the kids.

So here we are. Some days good. Some days stressful. I'm ready to be normal again.

Corona Tornado

We're in the middle of what seems like the apocalypse, a crazy movie and a nightmare all rolled into one. I decided I should keep up with it via my old blog so one day the great grandkids will know about this time of Coronaville. It's been one week down of pretty much quarantine to your home. We go on walks, to the store if we have to and we will venture to get ice cream tonight or tomorrow driving through a drive-thru... It's a very scary time.

It's weird how time works out. Before all of this, Nick was laid off. Shiner was put to rest. We were already in this upheaval of life. It seemed to all work in perfect timing... if there is perfect timing for this. Now we just live in fear of everything. We cannot go to school. My kids are 4 and 1 so they aren't in a place where they're going to school every day. Walker misses his friends so much. We do a few educational things a day, but I know it's not like real school. He goes to chapel, music, movement, and gets to run crazy in the gym. He gets to learn one-on-one with his teacher. It's just not the same for my social little crazy man.

I can honestly say I'm not bored. I always do article writing for different companies. I'll do a few articles a day, plus I was hired by a photographer to be her virtual assistant as a part time job. I job hunt with Nick helping him find great postings... worst time to be unemployed as the rest of the world joins you and we have no idea when this will lift. I play with the boys. We take lots of walks and jogs to stay in shape. It only gets really quiet at night when not much is on TV, and the boys go to sleep. We check in on friends. It's sort of like coming out of a hole to ensure everyone is still there. Everyone is home, but you cannot go see them.

I take the time on my walks to pray. I'm so confused by God. We wonder if we did something really wrong. I didn't think you could ever shut off the whole world. We've have countless things canceled. Weddings, birthday parties, etc. The entire world just shuts. It's surreal. If I wasn't living it, I wouldn't believe it. I keep thinking in a tornado it happens so fast that you're scared to death, then it's all over. The clouds lift and the sun shines. It's over. I keep wondering when this tornado will cease to turn.

These Boys: Lightning In A Bottle

Trying to remember every little thing about this point in time is like trying to catch lightning in a bottle. The boys are growing so fast! I'm in amazement at who they are. I'm also not a dumb mom and know they are pretty crazy, too!

 They say little boys love their moms, and that's way too true here. Walker will bring me flowers (weeds) on walks and always tells me I'm his best friend. I know he's lying, but I'll take it for now. He's rough and tumble at times, then all kisses at other times. He says things that just blow your mind. Sometimes things he remembers are insane. Other times he just says things that are almost genius. It's interesting to see life through a toddler's eyes. They are just so pure and say what's out there. He thinks it's funny to gang up on me with Daddy and say funny things. I guess this means he'll be sarcastic which I couldn't live without! He sure isn't boring. Sometimes he doesn't listen well because he's Nick's as I listen soooo well... He's into clean up mode lately which means taking his brother's toys away as he plays. Not cool. He loves on Carter like no other, then gets tired of him touching all of his stuff at other times. I can't wait until Carter can whack him. I like that Walker is getting to know Jesus and talks about him now. It's very cool to watch. You raise these kids in hopes you're doing it right, but they are who they are. We just take each day at a time and watch him grow. Walker is a good kid, he hates to get in trouble and loves deeply. I pray he keeps this attitude forever, even the stubborn attitude because I love he's his own person. And he better always love Mommy.

Carter is 8 months old. Oh man, he's fast. He's already crawling. He wants to stand and hates to sit down. He loves to eat like a piggy. He has a distinct cry/whine when he wants what you're eating. He hates sleep and I'm the worst sleep trainer ever born. It's my fault, but oh well. He loves to cuddle and loves to watch the people around him. He is so chill unless he is sleepy or hungry. He's usually laughing and talking to people. He just needs to slow it up and stop going so fast! Carter thinks his brother hung the moon. Walker likes to bug him, but he thinks it's hilarious. Babies are tough work, but he's a pretty cool kid so I'm all for it.

 

Being a parent is the toughest job in the world. We can only do our best. We love our kids as much as possible, and know that's the start of it. Sometimes they may eat dirt, other times they may be sheltered from the world. We're somewhere in between on a daily basis. The world is a crazy place so we're happy to have our little place of solace in the midst of the chaos. It may be our own version of chaos, but it's perfect.

No Sick Days Allowed

I was always the one that would force myself to go to work sick. I didn't want the boss to think I was lying so I would force myself with no voice or sick to my stomach to make it to the office. Now that I'm a mom I would love to call in sick. We don't get that luxury. Sure, we can call in reinforcements if they're around, but most often, we get to be a parent and just be sick at the same time. Let's rewind.

I'm not even going to rehash the few weeks in December when I single handledly pretty much got my whole family plus my parents sick with whatever lung crud there was out there... That was just a crazy time filled with lots of snot. So last week I didn't feel great all day. Not bad enough to do anything about it until later in the day... but not great. Walker and Carter both jumped all over me playing and it hurt, but I thought I was being a baby. I somehow managed to cook and then curled up in a ball. Nick bathed both boys and put Walker to bed... and I got into our bed and turned on the TV. We watched some TV and boom, it hit me. I went to throw up seven times in a row.

So I thought we were out of the woods. I made it through the next day, weak, but alive. We had dinner with friends then came home Friday night. All was great... until Walker shows up at the top of the stairs. He doesn't understand and says there is water all over his room... yep, he threw up pizza and goldfish alllll over his bed. He comes to my bed and I send Nick upstairs away from the plague. I also gave him bottles for Carter so he could wake up with him all night since I knew it might be crazy with Walker. Oh yeah, my five month old doesn't know how to sleep more than three hours straight... soooo Walker throws up by me again and again - each time I'm changing out the sheets. I don't want to get mad at him, but I don't understand why he cannot make it to the bucket! So at 3:45 AM he throws up all over my hair. I bring the iPad into the bathroom, put him on the floor watching it and I shower. I had to say a few prayers because I was losing my cool. Poor kid couldn't help it and he kept apologizing. I felt so bad... and I was so sleepy. Finally we slept until 8...

Nick woke up sick... guess sleeping upstairs didn't stop the germs from finding him...

I knew I had to guide the ship alone. This means a million loads of laundry, disinfecting everything and the usual chores on top of it on a Saturday! I think there were seven loads of laundry? There were so many towels and sheets I lost count. Walker was very whiny and just chilled out... I can say the same for Nick, but he does really try when he's sick to be cool... he finally resorted to the couch later in the day because he gave up. I don't think I sat down much at all. The dog still needed to be walked, Carter needed attention and Walker just wanted to be loved on so that stuff couldn't be put aside.

In life, parents are superheroes. It'd be great if we could just bow out and say we weren't going to parent today. Nope, don't feel it. Nick's parents had just gone out of town and I was wishing we could call them up for help... but, how do you do that when you are contagious? You just can't even if they are in town. No matter how bad we feel, we're going to reach out and hold our kids and make them lunch and let them dance for us. I'm not even going to touch a whole other thing to praise the single parents. My gosh, I was just so happy that Nick and I could switch off napping. It seemed simple, but I was worn out from still being weak from being sick and staying up till 4 AM taking care of Walker so that nap was everything.

Age doesn't stop this either. First thing, I heard Nick talking to his parents on the phone about the crazy night. I called Dad pretty early to tell them about it, too. Oh, we know we have many nights like this in the future. We aren't naive, but we hadn't yet had a toddler and infant navigating that crazy ship just yet. So when we're sick as parents we just trudge through the day trying to make it. It might mean a lot more of this screen time society thinks is killing my child's brain, yet helping me live through a few hours when I can't breathe or it might mean a pretty boring day just playing with toys while Mom curls in a ball on the couch. It usually means a lot more snuggles whether we're sick or they're sick.

Sometimes I miss those days when I actually called in sick, curled up under my covers watching TV. I wasn't going to do anything all day, but recover. I wouldn't trade them for the insanity of my world today. I'll drag myself to the microwave with a fever to give my kid some nuggies when I can't stand long enough to cook. I'll sing in a horrible hoarse voice if he wants "Jesus Loves Me." And, most of all, when tables are turned, I'll dive into puke sheets gathering them up, go through heaps of gross Kleenex cleaning his nose and smile when he throws up in my hair.

This was the day I got sick. Walker decided he wanted to be a cowboy. He sure did make me laugh all day. He even tried to nap with that hat.

This kid makes me melt. He just fell asleep in a cloud of blankets. Carter is chill.

Calm in the storm. Carter was so cuddly and happy as his brother and dad felt so bad Saturday. 

Back to life. Walker was ready to rock and roll after feeling bad all day.

I just like this picture. It's Superbowl Day. Carter is 24 weeks. 

Be Better

Be Better.

I kept trying to think of the perfect New Years Resolution and they all kept running together. I saw someone on social media simply said, Be Better. Yep, that's it. Be better in all I do. Be a better mom, a better wife, a better everything. Work out better, eat better, blah blah blah... I failed in my attempt at being better with cooking when my cornbread casserole tasted like gritty dirt casserole... so I fail, I win, it all evens out.

I decided to jump back in my blog because I want to document life and randomly a few people asked me about it. I stopped for fear I would offend someone because we offend in everything we say and do nowadays. My child has a gender and I'm offending someone, my gosh. Oh well. I wanted to be raw instead of perfect. Sometimes I feel like the only mom that is failing until I tell someone and they say the same thing happened to them. Everyone paints this perfect picture. Even my social media seems my boys and family are just happy all of the time! Can I please show where I had to call Santa because my three year old kept jumping in the middle of my laundry after I told him to stop multiple times? Can I please show where I am totally spoiling my baby with sleeping and he may never go to his crib? I always fear saying anything raw because automatically I feel inferior. I feel like I won't be as good as those other women out there that have it all. I'm just me and that's how it just has to be. I've always worked too hard to seem perfect and I fall flat so just give in and be you. Well, that is easily said and not easily done, but it's a start to show yourself as raw in posts. This doesn't mean I stop spray tanning because my entire family hates the fakeness or stop painting my nails or obsessing over my boys' wardrobe. That's just me.

So I will try to write more so I can get things out on paper and try not to offend. I need to document these crazy little boys. They are so much fun and insane at the same time. Walker has the biggest personality and is also pretty darn smart. He's stubborn and feisty. He has the best imagination and can play alone, but loves to play with friends. No one is a stranger. Carter is chill at times, then very opinionated with how he likes to sit and sleep at other times. He talks a lot and smiles at people so I'm guessing he will be very social.

Okay, time to be better. I have articles to write for a wedding website I write for and I'm procrastinating so that is not being better! Off to it.

Let's see if these are raw or normal or just look normal ;)...

Plano Tree Lighting... it rained crazy on us, but we had just gotten under the smores tent! I wanted a perfectly posed picture, but it just wasn't happening. We all look jolly though.

 Before the tree lighting I forced them to pose. They didn't hate me for it.

 

Now this is real life. They didn't feel like posing in their matching clothes. I thought it was a perfect photo op, but nope. 

Every year we get a family picture at the Christmas Eve party. Well, this year Walker and I were deathly sick with a cold. We don't look that great or feel that great, but we still posed. It was a tough night as we hacked and just felt bad overall, but we still enjoyed ourselves as much as possible. 

Carter is wearing what Walker wore his first Christmas Eve. Love it. He did really well at church so that made me happy. 

 We tried to get a cool family photo at Gaylord ICE. These crazies wouldn't both look at the camera. 

Walker was so sick, but he sure could still cheese for the camera.

Usually I make Carter smile for his pictures, but this was just adorable. He likes his new Wonky Donkey.

Walker is so into being a construction man. Or a shovel worker, as he calls it. Batman shirt and PJs, what else can a little boy want?

I have to include the amazing grandparents on both sides. They love these kids. Papa Mark hanging out with Walker. They have a lot of fun together.

 

 NeNe reading a book to both crazies. Walker loved to snuggle with her this time. In the past he was too cool for her.  

 

Santa came to the Gray's Neighborhood Christmas Party. He was a big hit.