Sunday, November 21, 2010

Find the Light Through The Darkness

There are a million things I could write about just because I haven't set down to write. I wonder why I write, but then I remember if I don't write I go insane because I am a WRITER at heart. No one really reads my blog because I don't have kids and I'm just me! But, atleast it's here for me and one day people will read it!!! I'm interesting!!!

So a million things... Like the fact it's Thanksgiving week and I'm so ready to fly to be with the family. Like the fact I've been insanely decorating and shopping for Christmas already and still have many presents to buy. And, I wonder... why oh why do we give so many gifts? I absolutely love it... I grew up an only child, grandchild and niece so I got a lot of gifts and we didn't do the drawing for who gets what blah blah blah... So I feel as if I should shower people with gifts... but, man, it's hard to figure out what some people really want! In my shoes this is who gets gifts: Dad (the most because he's Dad!), Brenda (who has already made a haul this year!), Nicholas, Nick's parents, Grandmommy, Alyssa, Aaliyah, Malachi, Xander, Steven, Ashley, Rylie, Saige and D'Layna... oh, and a gift for Secret Santa at work and Andrea's Christmas Party and probably another Christmas party that requires a gift (and that is why I love Christmas Tree Shops because I can get rocking gifts for less expense for these!)... too much fun to shop!!!

Another thing... Mom would be 58 this week. By gosh. She passed away at 48. I wonder what life would be like for her? I wonder what she would look like? I wonder what she would be doing? 58 seems so young now. She will be eating red velvet cake in Heaven. Funny thing... Red velvet is Nick's mom's favorite, too. Sometimes the things I cannot explain with Nick and my background blow me away. That's a small thing, but it's neat and unusual. Sure wish Mom could taste Dianne's red velvet cake.

On to the meat of my heart...

Today at church the preacher was talking about depression. He was saying sometimes our sadness should not be medicated. This was not his sermon, but he made a good point. A young girl who was depressed came to get meds from him. After speaking with her for a while he asked her what grieved her the most. After she confessed all of these things deep down she cried heavily and was a different person from then on. Without meds. Now, I'm not giving up my crazy anxiety pills just yet, that is not what I'm saying... and heck, I'll always be anxious. That's just me... but... this is interesting. What grieves us the most? What do we do that makes us feel God hates us? And, if you think about it, it weighs us down. Sometimes when I feel like God probably hates me I close up and I'm sad. I thought hard when he asked me that question. Why do you feel today God hates you? Why do you grieve? Well... for me... I'm always worrying and always thinking. I live in fear of the unknown. I'm afraid to walk outside for fear the tree will fall on my head... not really, but it seems like that at times. Always the What Ifs of life. I worry God is angry at me for this. I cannot help it. The way as women we sometimes gossip and say ugly things... and then I stop myself because I know I'm wrong. I've found myself now multiple times just smiling and staying out of the conversation and telling people not to be mean. But, sometimes... yes. We all fall short. I'm selfish and I feel horrible when I realize I'm being selfish. Yes, God still loves us when we do these things... but, I just realized it sure is hard to live this life that pleases God every single day. I mess up. We all mess up. And we have to just give it to God and ask Him to forgive us because it just festers and builds until we explode. We find the darkness if we do not go into the light.

That's my rant for today.


Kelly said...

i read your blog! don't worry, no one reads mine either since i don't have babies.

Di said...

I read it too... and ditto to the on one reads mine b/c i'm single with no kiddos!