Altering Affection

Someone once said we all grieve differently. We all feel differently. And until the other day I didn't realize we all love differently.

I had one of the biggest epiphanies of my life.

For the past nine years I have beat myself up regretting that I didn't show love to my mother enough. I was so angry at myself for not hanging on her, not telling her more, not showering her with love every single day. Until the other day I realized something. People have always told me that my mother and I were so funny together. They said we just showed love. We laughed and we had fun. You see, I am so frozen still at times that I don't remember some of those times. People may think with such a blow like that you grieve all at once, but though it might seem like a lifetime ago... it is also still like yesterday. The ice melts a little at a time. Maybe never melting because it is your own way of protecting yourself. Here is where I come into my epiphany...

I noticed that Nick and I love to joke around... We are not touchy feely and we do not hang on one another. Now we both have our moments, but overall we are just not that way. I have never been that way. I enjoy hugging and touching at certain times, but somehow I am weirdly just not very touchy. And sometimes he will jokingly put his arms around me and cuddle me and I throw him off, but in a laughing matter... It's funny at the time... I had a flashback of me doing this to my mother. When Nick and I are truly annoyed with one another we don't joke and if he hugged me and I threw him off of me in that time he would genuinely be hurt... I realized I joke and do these things by showing my affection. My affection is truly shown with laughter and love and good hearted jabs. Brenda laughs that Dad and I slap and hit and say it is a "love pat." To me... it is! My Dad and Mom are/ were both touchy and huggy, but I think it is something Dad had to learn the way I have had to... You go through so much and realize the love in human touch. I have become much more touchy as I have gotten older. People laugh at my tight hugs... but, I know what it means to give a hug that MEANS something instead of just a squeeze. When I show love in that way I truly mean it.

I showed my mother love in my own way. I know she was my hero. I remember doing things here and there that showed her my love. I remember one Christmas when I could actually buy things with my money I bought her this Gap sweatshirt and I was thrilled just to see her smile. I spent all the money I had on it! I made her videos and cried when she was sick on the couch with her stomach problems. I truly truly deeply loved her and I think somehow she knew that. I do not in any way condone my behavior that I didn't tell her more and that I didn't take more pictures with her or spend more time when I should have as a selfish teenager, but I do know I showed her love. I didn't realize my fun way of running down the hall shouting, "Mumsies, where are you?," and grabbing her in a bear hug laughing were my way of wrapping my arms around her telling her she was the best mother in the world.

I realize if I was in a relationship where the man loved on me constantly, gave me roses every day, bought me present after present... and yes, I have dated some of those... I walk all over them. I like that Nick pops up out of the blue with gifts, gives me roses out of his garden on a random day, holds my hand when he is really excited, gives me presents that he thinks I will really enjoy (ummm like Aloe Vera lotion for after sun exposure... sure sure, men don't know gifts!)... Seriously, he will surprise me with dinner or send me a funny text... but, it isn't all of the time and he likes to surprise me. I do the same thing trying to show my affection. My burned meal where I threw crazy ingredients together is my heart and soul. My mowing Nick's lawn in the 100 degree heat is my blood and guts. We all show love in different ways.

My best friend, Chandra and I are both like this. We are soul sisters and I love her more than just about any of my friends. We don't hug much. We laugh about it. It is always as if no time has passed when we see one another and we forget to hug. Yet the night Mom died she was there with her arms around me all night. When she went through some tough times I was right there at 2 AM letting her cry in my arms. We try to be pretty tough and we show love in the same way, but we both know. We just know.

So I realize after nightmares of nine years of Mom being angry at me... the other night she was leaving me to party... my mother never drank... I figured out it was my guilt. Of course... I knew that. But, I realized it was what I thought I had done to her. I wanted my friends more than her. But, I was selfish and I was so young. One day I hope to totally forgive myself. You would think time would heal it all, but there are things we have to learn as we mature and we may never truly understand them. For now I know I did show her love. In my own way. Now I know to show love as much as I can with hugs and words and actions... but, I'm still not as soft and comforting as some are with their love. Maybe that's just me...

Just know if I joke with you; If I slap you on the arm with laughter; If I make you a corny video montage of our friendship; If I conjure up crazy comebacks to your Facebook statuses; If I put my arm around you quickly; If I spend hours thinking of you a birthday card; If I tell you about my bridesmaid and pallbearer list; If I bake you doughy cookies and eveb if I just don't say the words enough... I love you.

Happy Veterans Day

My family can be traced back to the Revolutionary War. This means 1775. Wow... Centennials of veterans. It takes a lot of evidence and history to even prove you had ancestors in this war. It's very interesting to me to peer back at history. Today on Veterans Day I put the spotlight on my two grandfathers who fought for their country and continued to bring that heroism into their lives when they returned.

Don Adams loved to tell stories of his time in the war. Purple heart. Bronze star. Silver star. Hero. He passed away when I was eleven so I don't exactly remember many of the stories. When he found out he had cancer he began to write me a story of his life. It is somewhere locked away in a safety deposit box. My grandmother and him began to write letters back and forth when he was overseas before they even met... When she passed away last year we began to sift through the letters. It was so very interesting to read about his time there and their relationship. Grandaddy did obtain all of those awards above and I even remember him telling a story about taking weapons and souvenirs off of a dead Nazi soldier. He was wounded in war when a mine went off ahead of him and shrapnel invaded his leg. He continued until his death to be buddies with his comrades and he went to Company G anniversaries as often as possible. Grandaddy is such a hero in my eyes and was such a good man. I'm sure he was a good man before war, but in a way I believe it also taught him so much about life. He was the nicest man I had met with a good heart and a strong handshake. A true American hero.

This is Grandaddy receiving his Bronze Star.

Grandaddy & Granny Jac

This was the last photo taken of us together in Christmas of 1992. Grandaddy was one of the first people in the US to get heart cancer. He laughed that he blew up like Popeye... That is why he is so swollen as the tumor restricted bloodflow. He held on until July of 1993.

Bill Boles actually had to change his name from Bolles to Boles for the Navy... I'm not quite sure of the story, but I found it to be an interesting thought. I never met Grandaddy Bill. He perished of a heart attack in 1980. Grandmommy did not meet him until after he returned from War. As I said before.... He was in the Navy. Grandaddy Bill went straight out of high school into the Navy. They then put him through school where he earned his Masters. He became a heroic coach in many Texas towns. He is now in the Texas Tennis Coaches Hall of Fame. Funny thing... he was my Dad's football coach... before Dad met Mom. I always hear wonderful stories of Bill. I have his audio tapes and I love to listen to them because he loved to tell stories and he once got a bag of M&Ms and acted like it was a huge reward because he did not eat bad things.

Grandmommy & Grandaddy Bill

This is my mother and Grandaddy Bill with a random puppy.

Snyder High School Graduation 1970

Halloween 2009

The time change is totally confusing me. I love it on one hand, but hate it on the other...

I noticed as I drove to our party last night the full moon was shining bright. It made me smile because it just seems perfect to have a full moon on Halloween! I was a ladybug this year... Not the best costume of my choice, but I had fun with it. I love to play with make-up! I put on the long eyelashes with sharpie as my eyeliner and even put dark pen through my eyebrows. My secret look was the dark make-up with blackish purple blush that I made from eye shadow.

When I got to the party at Nick's his roommate, Geoff answered the door in a huge sumo wrestler outfit! We gave candy out to the trick-or-treaters...It makes me sad these days there are just not as many! I think most parents take their kids to the churches... Nick lives in a very nice neighborhood in Plano so I thought there would be more? We had a blast laughing at the cute little costumes. Then we went to Nick's favorite neighbor, an older gentleman named Grady to trick or treat... He gave us a lot of candy and we stood there talking for a bit with him. We had a big group, but I didn't take many pictures! I mainly spent the night chit chatting with Nick's best friend growing up, Jenna and with his parents and their best friends. The boys watched football and played foosball. I always love Halloween just dressing up and being with friends. Next up... Christmas... what a transition!!!

Nick got the idea of being a tacky tourist from my friend, Stephanie Tettleton as she and her husband went as this in college... He was a hit!!!

Nick's Mom, Dianne was so proud of her pirate outfit!

Geoff's Girlfriend, Rebecca was a Wet T-Shirt winner and she was pretty embarassed the entire night and hid herself; Tony Florent is a nerd complete with toilet paper on this shoes and a Kick Me sign; Tony Cioletti wore his high school basketball outfit; Nick; Dianne; Geoff was a sumo wrestler, but his outfit hurt him so he switched to a thug

I'm not quite sure why I'm attracted to this tacky specimen!!!

Pumpkins

Last night we carved pumpkins.

I spent the day with Lindsay Keene Brown and her mom in Canton Christmas shopping before carving. I got most of my shopping done!!! We had a blast!!! My arms hurt from carrying all of the heavy loads. I was so excited about all I bought for the family!!! I even got me some pickled popcorn!!!

Nick, Geoff, Rebecca and I all got our pumpkins!!! I told them how people carve a pumpkin shows your psychological state. Like Nick's pumpkin had huge features... a huge mouth and huge eyes... Meaning he likes things larger than life. Geoff and Rebecca had perfect little cut-outs meaning they like things cut and clean. Mine was a Texas Tech sign because I didn't want a normal face... but, as I stepped back I saw it was pretty small and it reminded me of my handwriting. It was neat, but there were a few imperfections. We had a really good time carving and laughing at ourselves. We made a huge mess, too!!!

LBK

We left Friday night to venture towards the Texas Tech vs. A&M game. The trip was sloooow and long so Nick and I entertained ourselves with music and comedy shows on the Ipod. One thing that amazes me about West Texas is something I forget quite often. The stars. Growing up sometimes I'd catch a sunset and remember I could watch it every single day. The stars would always light up the night sky. Not in Dallas. When we finally reached Sara & Brandon's house I got out and stared at the stars. It was cold so I couldn't stare long, but they were just so beautiful.


Sara & Brandon had a houseful of family and friends so I got to sleep on a lovely futon. I am such a princess at times... I should be excited just to have a pillow! We got up bright and early and ate an amazing breakfast. They wanted to get out to tailgate early so we got there before noon! I decided I wanted to Black Out the Aggies so Nick and I ventured over to the Tech store for a black t-shirt. We all threw around the football and hung out for a few hours before the game. I got to visit with one of my sorority sisters, Megan Hennigan Walterscheid as she and her bunch came over to play with us. It was so lovely to catch up with her and meet her husband.

Sara, Brandon, Vanessa, Brandon, Nick, Me & Sara's Parents

Megan

The game wasn't so great. We got killed... Nick was not happy at all. I was mad I had to stand the entire game. I grew up with a boy that plays for the Aggies, Ryan Tannehill so I was actually sort of excited for him. I remember him when he was four years old! I'm old... It was just a sad game as we just didn't play very well and the spirits were pretty down. At halftime I ventured to the concession stand to get away and ran into another sorority sister, Tara Metcalfe White. It was so wonderful to talk to her and just catch up on life yet again. We took our time knowing our men were not too thrilled up in the stands! After the game Nick and I walked a million miles back to the car and talked about the game strategy. I think I had some valid points... Football is football and there is always another game in my eyes. It's just a team and next year we may forget the scores of this year.

On our way home Sunday I was so excited to run by Snyder and see Grandmommy and Uncle Mike. My uncle was a tennis pro in Dallas the past like ummm twenty years... well, he left this summer due to the economy and is loving working in Abilene. He amazes me with his sports knowledge and his athletic ability so I love to talk to him. It drove my mother crazy because Mike can make you feel pretty dumb that he knows everything in the world about every player in the world, but it has always just amazed me. So I took Nick to meet them for the first time! We talked and just hung out for a bit at Grandmommy's house. I always love to see her. It does sadden me a bit that Nick can meet Grandmommy and Mike, but he will never know my mother even though he knows a part of her in them... It's weird. We talked about Mom and Dad growing up. Well, they met in high school.... Mike says Dad was pretty straight and narrow and Mom was perfect all of her life... I always thought Dad was a little wild! Grandmommy says Mom kept him away from the wild life... haha... I love to hear old stories!!! I could have stayed there all day.

And today it has rained all day. It's sort of peaceful actually and it doesn't bother me. I love Halloween. I love dressing up... I guess we all have to wait for that blog as it nears the weekend... Maybe the stars will be out?

Madonna

I looked like Madonna last night. I'll leave it at that for a few paragraphs.

I am loving the Autumn air. It is so quiet and still, yet so welcoming. Friday was my day off so I spent the day at a physical, shopping for my Decades outfit and eating dinner at Nick's parents' house. I hate physicals because I am always sure he will tell me I am dying. They gave me immunizations and took my blood... my gosh... and, you know what, with my mother's bad health they already watch me for so many things! Grandmommy is kicking it in her 80s, but they sure do worry about me. My mother passed away of a heart attack at 48 so I understand following my cholesterol levels. She also had a hysterectomy at 33, pancreatitis, diverticulosis, gastrointenstinal disease... She was not blessed with the healthiest system... I never really knew because she didn't let it slow her down. I thought it was normal she couldn't eat past 5:00 or she would get sick because this is how I grew up at dinner. I feel so badly for her to have had to go through all of that at such a young age. So far I am a healthy horse... Yes, we all know I don't eat enough so I'm underweight... but, I like it that way and I am not stupid about my dieting... I jog a lot so hopefully that will help my cardiovascular levels... even though my Grandaddy Bill was in tip top shape and fell over dead after jogging his daily mile... God doesn't really weigh in on the fact we are heart healthy at times!

Anyway...

Nick and I got geared up in our 80s outfits for Sarah and Richard's Housewarming Party at White Rock Lake this weekend. So fun!!! I had a blast getting all dolled up. Nick threw together an outfit that was insanely perfect... I had the most fun with make up and hair! The outfits were hysterical. Their house is soooo neat... It was built in 1961 and is modern era. It has all tile flooring with weird cuts and twists throughout the house. It looks like something out of a space movie for the future. It is just really neat... and huge. Stephanie came in from Arlington so I was so happy to see her. Stephi and Cohen were my first two friends at Tech... When we get together we can chat for hours. We were all in 80s for some reason... that was the easiest decade... we figured!

Stephanie, Cohen, Julie

Chad runs 20 miles each day. Motivation or insanity?

He likes football a lot more than me.

I guess it is now time to iron. I wish I could wear my Madonna outfit to work so I didn't have to iron.

And... this is why we always take photos in the same position... We have a few more, but these are my favorites! Now... I feel like Madonna... Old like the 1980s...

Pennies from Heaven

As we walked into the store my stepmother knelt down and picked up a penny. "Pennies from Heaven," she said. As we walked into the house she found another penny as the rain gently fell upon it. "Pennies from Heaven." "But, it's not heads up," I said. "This side means, Trust in God," she replied.

My flight was delayed until 9:30 PM. I didn't even know planes flew that late. I decided to purchase a magazine and chill for the two hour waiting period knowing in the end I would happily be in Midland.

Nick asked me if I had to choose being in Hawaii for a week or being home for a week which would I choose. I explained if he had been through all that I had the world would understand why I choose family. Truthfully I was like this all my life. I have never taken family for granted. Maybe it is due to the fact I am an only child. Maybe it just the way God made me.

Saturday we enjoyed a leisurely morning of shopping. We ran to the mall and to the Halloween store. Brenda and I had a grand time trying on different disguises and choosing outfits. I am going as a sexy ladybug... It seems I can never be a princess or a fairy. I must let the inner goth roam free. Even as a child I loved dressing in fun masks and being a punk rocker. My whole life has been lived as straight laced so it is fun to be a little crazy at Halloween. Brenda chose a masquerade ball mask and a boa with a blonde wig! Dad is boring and does not dress up. He needs to be a Harley man or a punk rocker.

We took the journey to Stanton Trade Days. I have never been though it was only fifteen minutes away growing up. We saw a few people we knew and browsed the fun booths. I ended up collecting a beautiful rustic Texas Tech candle holder and another candle. There were so many homemade items, but I know next month when I get out to Canton it will be closer to Christmas and easier to buy at the time.

When we got back Dad and Brenda began cooking a feast of chicken and homemade sausage. I went outside to their garden where Dad showed me some green peppers and we picked them for eating. It's always a feast at home... enough of a feast to make me run a bit further today!

I wanted time with the kids so we picked up my "step" niece and nephews and brought them back to the house. I hadn't seen them in two years and I noticed so many things about their growth. Malachi is obsessed with the Army now. He wants to serve his country at nine years old. Aaliyah is creative and enjoys being imaginative. Xander is now three and is incredibly sweet and calm. I try to relish each and every minute with them because their lives are not the most ideal and they are so close, but I always feel it is best to be a mentor and always be there for them. Their mother works two jobs and is a single parent. It blows me away to be our age and do it all. Half of the time I don't give my cat enough food... half of the time I give him too much food... She has the weight of the world on her shoulders, but she gets it done and those kids know Jesus and they know goodness and they know true family values at a young age.

I didn't go to church with them on Sunday, but we did attend the church of football. I donned my new Troy Aikman jersey and we watched the Cowboys. I enjoy watching television with Dad just being there and hanging out with one another.

It was sad to return home as always. I look to a day where I can go to West Texas and not be a plane ride away... I remember a good friend told me there came a point when she went to the airport that she decided that was the last ride. There comes a point we know what makes sense in the world. I came to Dallas for a career, for a husband, for friendship... but, as we mature we realize we make a community wherever we are. My best friends each have their own circle of other friends. It's a hard lesson to learn. It's getting stuck in the middle somewhere not knowing where you truly belong at times. I would love to be in Lubbock one day maybe back on the news... if they offered a normal schedule... Who knows... I miss the camera. It is also not easy being home... People forget that. Though they live in a different house so much reminds me of my Mom. Her trinkets... her old letter jacket... It's incredibly difficult to not pinch yourself and just remember the way it was... Not living in the past, but just knowing once it just was so different. As a family we are all as one now in a sense and we don't feel as if there is a hole without her when we are all together... but, as me... it's always going to be difficult to be home and remember going to those Arts n' Crafts shows in Midland, going to the mall with her in Midland... this... that... maybe it is a good thing to never forget those things. They make me smile. I saw a cow with a sunflower dress and I pointed and began to laugh. Mom would have loved it and it just made me smile even bigger.

Paige Hundemer has asked me to be in her house party. I am also involved in Keilly Shelton & Matt Milantoni's wedding on the same day... It is going to be an insane day. Paige is like my little sister while Matt is Nick's best friend and Keilly is my sorority sister. Such a blessing to have such a fun dilemna.

Lauren and Blair got engaged this weekend as well. I have been friends with Lauren since first grade and Blair since tenth grade... We never thought in high school they would EVER date... but, somehow last year they tried it. They are two of the best people in this world.

Yes... all of these weddings... four of my friends having children this year... I must admit it is highly strange. People keep asking me about my own wedding. I know I am nowhere near it. As much as I want to be married and I yearn for that life... I am just plain not ready. Or maybe I am scared. I'm scared of not being a good wife and not being able to do everything I feel a wife should be and do. I know I'm not a good homemaker, but I do know I'm a great caretaker and I love deeply. I hope love is enough. I can cook and clean... maybe not that great... but... I will never be able to be Mom, Grandmommy or Brenda. I need to realize that. I cook Nick chicken and corn. I clean his room. I mow his lawn. To me this is my way of being that person. It's just never going to be perfect. My chicken will have too much spice. I will miss a spot on his dresser. I will mow the lawn wrong. I want to be Donna Reed! It does make me a little jealous as these others get married and I wonder if there is something wrong with us... But, I guess we all move in our own time. I have it set in my head my parents dated two years then got married. What happens when two years comes and goes?

So... pennies from God. All of these things. All. Blessings thrown at us in weird directions and found in strange places. God says to trust in Him on all of the pennies.