Christmas Tradition

Christmas is by far the best time of the year. I have always enjoyed the magical feeling surrounding the holiday. One thing I have not yet understood until lately is the feeling of sadness that tugs a bit at me during this season. The other night on the radio I figured it out... We can always create new memories and always be excited with new things, but the bottom line is that we miss those we love the most during Christmas.

I spent my years as a child at Christmas going to Grandmommy's then to Granny Jac's and then we'd go over to Grandaddy & Rae's a few days later... on Christmas Eve we went to Ina's with the Stewart family and then to church at midnight. My tiny family of three gathered around to sing with the piano and read the Christmas story then rip into our gifts. I remember laughter and passing out gifts playing Santa Claus. I excitedly awoke Christmas morning to see what Santa had left... Mom snapped pictures and I played with my new toys. The thing is... No matter where our lives go and how old we get... we have those memories. And sometimes they make me sad to know I am not that same little girl anymore.

This year I look back and realize I have lost two loved ones this year. My grandmother, Rae... Dad's stepmother passed away and we hadn't seen one another in years as she lived up North... I erased her off my Christmas card list today and felt a tug on my heart. I remember our last Christmas with Grandaddy. He had just found out he was ill with heart cancer, I believe... His body was swollen and we kept laughing telling him he was Popeye. He was so very happy with Rae so after we lost him it was awkward a bit with her... We didn't share the same connection and she had her own daughter and family. We always looked forward to Rae's neat gifts because she would special order crazy things from Neiman Marcus or give me dolls I couldn't really touch because they were so pristine and glass. She was always so loving... and made me laugh.

I have had a very hard time in the loss of Sarah... Chandra told me last week how often she thinks of Sarah. I said something to quickly get off the subject because it was too hard. Sarah is often in my dreams. I would get to see her many times as we both would go to visit in Big Spring. We took a funny picture two years ago visiting as her mother made me put on a Santa hat! I don't talk about the loss much because no one really understands. She was one of my very best friends and we were so different... but, what did that matter? I was going through photos to put in my Christmas album online and I kept finding her in high school photos when we would take pictures out looking at lights... I miss Sarah so much.

And... of course... Mom. I hear you just never lose that feeling around the holiday season. I have so many great memories of her at Christmas. I believe it was our last Christmas together in 2000 when we had to travel home in the freeze... She was freaking out as we drove sliding on the roads from the Stewart household. I remember trying not to laugh because she was so frantic and my Dad was so calm. I remember the first Christmas where it was just Dad and I as we sat across from one another by the tree just staring because we had no idea what to do... and again last year when Brenda was with her daughter up north and we didn't really know where to start... It is different now and maybe that's a good thing, but man, you don't forget those times growing up with your small little family and seeing the gleam in your mother's eye. I miss her most... Yes, I do... at Christmas.

And then we grow up.

We make new memories and we laugh and we smile and we enjoy. Traditions begin and we try to figure it all out with our own lives. I try to visit family in Welch and make sure I see D'Layna, but with "real life" and work it is often hard to get over there. We go to the Stewart household with Stephanie and her family and this year get to meet baby Trooper. The house is filled with laughter and new people and gifts and dogs. We go visit Grandmommy... and we take her out to eat. I remember the last Christmas with Granny Jac as she was mentally leaving us and I fought back tears as she couldn't really remember it was Christmas... My heart was broken at that table and I remember just falling apart inside. We often go to Oklahoma with the family I so blessingly inherited with Brenda. We have Brenda who brings light and laughter to our household. Alyssa and her kids spend the night with us and Santa wakes us up in the morning as everyone's stockings are filled with more gifts. It's all so different, but that's a wonderful thing. It's such a blessing to always create new traditions.

Nick's godparents had eight children so they have a huge rendezvous on Christmas Eve with everyone at his parents' house... I truthfully don't know how we will ever come together to compromise our family traditions. The Stewart family is my other family and as long as Ina is living I will be there. And I will NEVER leave my Dad without me. It may sound crazy, but we both deep inside know that first Christmas without Mom and we don't lose that feeling... even though we are surrounded by love... we remember that time. I am truly thankful to have Nick and his family in my life as we make more tradition.

I am so thankful to have my amazing family and friends as we continue to make Christmas just as special as the years before... It might always tug at our hearts and we may get a little sad at certain times... but, I'm so thankful God has given me such wonderful memories and amazing traditions that will forever change and grow as I continue on this journey of life.

Texas Tech vs. Baylor

Saturday morning I woke up bright and early to drive back to Dallas from Oklahoma. I played with Saige a bit then went to lay in bed with Rylie before leaving... I was sad to leave! I met my Dad and Brenda at Nick's parents' to head out to the Dallas Cowboys Stadium for the Texas Tech vs. Baylor game. Nick's mom wasn't feeling well so she decided not to join us. We met up with Nick's roommate from college, Brandon and his wife Sara and their entire family to tailgate. Dad and Brenda were new to this experience. I kept getting texts and calls from people asking where I was as the entire world seemed to be there, but I had no idea where I was or where anything was so in the end I only got to see Tiffany and Jana! Two of my best friends in the entire world... so that's good, but it would've been great to see everyone else as well!

Tiffany, Craig, Me, Linda

(Dad wanted Brenda to meet Linda as she is one of my other "mothers" and has always been very special in my life and Dad sees Tiffany as a daughter as well!)

The game was a lot of fun to watch. Dad got himself nachos, a hotdog and a coke for $24!!! Those nachos better have been golden!!! Brenda and I left during the third quarter to go outside and try to find my stepbrother's brick... It says, "Football is Life. Coach Corn." We never found it! It might help if next time we get the map of its location!!! We barely won, but it was a good game atleast. I don't enjoy watching our quarterback!!! He scares me. After the game we all walked a million miles back to the car.

Nick & Jim

Once we got back to the Gray household we pigged out on any food we could find and sat around talking for a bit. It was really nice to have everyone in the same place just chatting about life. I definitely didn't want to go home. Dad told me he didn't even want me to come say goodbye in the morning... he said I had to go home and get some rest and get up for church... Now... I was so sleepy I thought church was out of the question, but even 27 year olds listen to the dads!!! So I got up, went to get Nick and we went to both Sunday School and church today!!!

You know what the main things I will remember from that game? It sounds funny to say... it isn't about football. Yes, the game was fun. Yes, the stadium is amazing. But, overall... the hugs from the people I got to see... Brandon, Sara, Sara's mother... then Linda Nolder & Tiffy... then Jana and her mom. That makes it all worthwhile. To feel the love of others at the game while enjoying time with my own loved ones. Priceless.

Gobbles 2009

Gobble Gobble. I guess Thanksgiving is almost officially over. We will get all snug in our beds and look forward to awaken at 4 AM to hit some major sales!

I fought the Dallas traffic yesterday afternoon to make it up to Oklahoma. It took me two hours to reach the outer limits of Dallas! Insanity... My stepbrother and his wife recently bought a new home so Ashley was thrilled to cook everything for her entire family. Their house is in Henryetta, Oklahoma... about a mile South of Tulsa. It's a pretty small town, but they love it and Steven enjoys coaching in a smaller place. My nieces, Rylie and Saige are three and almost one... too much fun!

So this morning the entire family gets up ... Dad, Brenda... Ashley's parents came over... and we just hung out this morning. We took some family photos for them and just hung out with the girls.

Do you see "Fern Gully" in the background? Rylie kept this on the entire day... I saw parts of it three times.

I made my yearly Thanksgiving calls to Grandmommy, Bill & Donna, Nick's parents & grandparents, Chandra and Nick who was at his grandmother's home in Brenham. Then we all sat down to eat. What a lovely meal!!! I didn't have a bite of turkey because I hear it makes you fall asleep... but, in the end I took a nap anyway!

Anxiously awaiting dinner watching.... football, of course.

Dad & I watch Ashley make mashed potatoes so I can steer clear of the instant ones I make!

Saige, Ashley's Mom, Steven, Ashley's Stepdad... All passed out from too much turkey.

After dinner we all watched football.... alllll night. These men don't get tired of football!!! And... Now we are all winding down... Brenda, Ashley & I are going to Wal Mart at 4 AM to hit some of their bargains... I'm insane...

Most of all... Thanksgiving is about giving thanks... Pushing aside any material possessions that don't matter in the end... I am beyond thankful to God for my family above anything in this world as the Adams, Corn & Boles clan are just amazing people... Thankful for my boyfriend and his family as they are now a part of my core... and thankful for my best friends who God sends to me as angels in my life.

57

57 candles. I think about that and I laugh that maybe the entire cake would melt because there would be so many candles. Mom would be 57 today and I cannot imagine her at 57. I try to think of so many things to say or to remember that I haven't written 200 times in my memorials and my thoughts. When I said it aloud last night I caught myself. 57. We have been without my mother since she was 48. I remember thinking of what she would be like as she grew old. I envionsed her as the perfect grandmother with gray hair and glasses. I think by now she would be retired, but she would still keep in touch with her students and she might be obsessed with Facebook catching up and making sure people were behaving. The best thing about people we love is that they never fade. No matter two birthdays or nine... we remember. Grandmommy told me the story of the day Mom was born... She told me they had been traveling as my grandfather was a coach so they were on the school bus the night before! Uncle Mike said he went to get a Cherry Dr. Pepper in memory of her because she would stuff Mike in the trunk to get into the drive-in movie cheaper and they would spend their money on Cherry Dr. Peppers! It always makes me smile to hear those stories! Mom was truly just an angel. Seriously. The stories I heard today from teachers or people in her Sunday School class... They all commented on her laughter and her smile and her knowledge of Jesus Christ. People may think I am sarcastic, but she could run circles around me. She had that wit that came from nowhere and you just couldn't match it. The laughter and love that vibrated through my household on a daily basis is truly something that cannot be written in words. So God took her at 48... and for 48 of those years Deanna Kay Boles Adams loved hard and lived hard every single second. I'm so thankful I got to know her 19 of those 48 years... how blessed am I to have an angel as a mother?

Here are some of my favorites... She hated photos... but, there is evidence of that famous smile!...

Altering Affection

Someone once said we all grieve differently. We all feel differently. And until the other day I didn't realize we all love differently.

I had one of the biggest epiphanies of my life.

For the past nine years I have beat myself up regretting that I didn't show love to my mother enough. I was so angry at myself for not hanging on her, not telling her more, not showering her with love every single day. Until the other day I realized something. People have always told me that my mother and I were so funny together. They said we just showed love. We laughed and we had fun. You see, I am so frozen still at times that I don't remember some of those times. People may think with such a blow like that you grieve all at once, but though it might seem like a lifetime ago... it is also still like yesterday. The ice melts a little at a time. Maybe never melting because it is your own way of protecting yourself. Here is where I come into my epiphany...

I noticed that Nick and I love to joke around... We are not touchy feely and we do not hang on one another. Now we both have our moments, but overall we are just not that way. I have never been that way. I enjoy hugging and touching at certain times, but somehow I am weirdly just not very touchy. And sometimes he will jokingly put his arms around me and cuddle me and I throw him off, but in a laughing matter... It's funny at the time... I had a flashback of me doing this to my mother. When Nick and I are truly annoyed with one another we don't joke and if he hugged me and I threw him off of me in that time he would genuinely be hurt... I realized I joke and do these things by showing my affection. My affection is truly shown with laughter and love and good hearted jabs. Brenda laughs that Dad and I slap and hit and say it is a "love pat." To me... it is! My Dad and Mom are/ were both touchy and huggy, but I think it is something Dad had to learn the way I have had to... You go through so much and realize the love in human touch. I have become much more touchy as I have gotten older. People laugh at my tight hugs... but, I know what it means to give a hug that MEANS something instead of just a squeeze. When I show love in that way I truly mean it.

I showed my mother love in my own way. I know she was my hero. I remember doing things here and there that showed her my love. I remember one Christmas when I could actually buy things with my money I bought her this Gap sweatshirt and I was thrilled just to see her smile. I spent all the money I had on it! I made her videos and cried when she was sick on the couch with her stomach problems. I truly truly deeply loved her and I think somehow she knew that. I do not in any way condone my behavior that I didn't tell her more and that I didn't take more pictures with her or spend more time when I should have as a selfish teenager, but I do know I showed her love. I didn't realize my fun way of running down the hall shouting, "Mumsies, where are you?," and grabbing her in a bear hug laughing were my way of wrapping my arms around her telling her she was the best mother in the world.

I realize if I was in a relationship where the man loved on me constantly, gave me roses every day, bought me present after present... and yes, I have dated some of those... I walk all over them. I like that Nick pops up out of the blue with gifts, gives me roses out of his garden on a random day, holds my hand when he is really excited, gives me presents that he thinks I will really enjoy (ummm like Aloe Vera lotion for after sun exposure... sure sure, men don't know gifts!)... Seriously, he will surprise me with dinner or send me a funny text... but, it isn't all of the time and he likes to surprise me. I do the same thing trying to show my affection. My burned meal where I threw crazy ingredients together is my heart and soul. My mowing Nick's lawn in the 100 degree heat is my blood and guts. We all show love in different ways.

My best friend, Chandra and I are both like this. We are soul sisters and I love her more than just about any of my friends. We don't hug much. We laugh about it. It is always as if no time has passed when we see one another and we forget to hug. Yet the night Mom died she was there with her arms around me all night. When she went through some tough times I was right there at 2 AM letting her cry in my arms. We try to be pretty tough and we show love in the same way, but we both know. We just know.

So I realize after nightmares of nine years of Mom being angry at me... the other night she was leaving me to party... my mother never drank... I figured out it was my guilt. Of course... I knew that. But, I realized it was what I thought I had done to her. I wanted my friends more than her. But, I was selfish and I was so young. One day I hope to totally forgive myself. You would think time would heal it all, but there are things we have to learn as we mature and we may never truly understand them. For now I know I did show her love. In my own way. Now I know to show love as much as I can with hugs and words and actions... but, I'm still not as soft and comforting as some are with their love. Maybe that's just me...

Just know if I joke with you; If I slap you on the arm with laughter; If I make you a corny video montage of our friendship; If I conjure up crazy comebacks to your Facebook statuses; If I put my arm around you quickly; If I spend hours thinking of you a birthday card; If I tell you about my bridesmaid and pallbearer list; If I bake you doughy cookies and eveb if I just don't say the words enough... I love you.

Happy Veterans Day

My family can be traced back to the Revolutionary War. This means 1775. Wow... Centennials of veterans. It takes a lot of evidence and history to even prove you had ancestors in this war. It's very interesting to me to peer back at history. Today on Veterans Day I put the spotlight on my two grandfathers who fought for their country and continued to bring that heroism into their lives when they returned.

Don Adams loved to tell stories of his time in the war. Purple heart. Bronze star. Silver star. Hero. He passed away when I was eleven so I don't exactly remember many of the stories. When he found out he had cancer he began to write me a story of his life. It is somewhere locked away in a safety deposit box. My grandmother and him began to write letters back and forth when he was overseas before they even met... When she passed away last year we began to sift through the letters. It was so very interesting to read about his time there and their relationship. Grandaddy did obtain all of those awards above and I even remember him telling a story about taking weapons and souvenirs off of a dead Nazi soldier. He was wounded in war when a mine went off ahead of him and shrapnel invaded his leg. He continued until his death to be buddies with his comrades and he went to Company G anniversaries as often as possible. Grandaddy is such a hero in my eyes and was such a good man. I'm sure he was a good man before war, but in a way I believe it also taught him so much about life. He was the nicest man I had met with a good heart and a strong handshake. A true American hero.

This is Grandaddy receiving his Bronze Star.

Grandaddy & Granny Jac

This was the last photo taken of us together in Christmas of 1992. Grandaddy was one of the first people in the US to get heart cancer. He laughed that he blew up like Popeye... That is why he is so swollen as the tumor restricted bloodflow. He held on until July of 1993.

Bill Boles actually had to change his name from Bolles to Boles for the Navy... I'm not quite sure of the story, but I found it to be an interesting thought. I never met Grandaddy Bill. He perished of a heart attack in 1980. Grandmommy did not meet him until after he returned from War. As I said before.... He was in the Navy. Grandaddy Bill went straight out of high school into the Navy. They then put him through school where he earned his Masters. He became a heroic coach in many Texas towns. He is now in the Texas Tennis Coaches Hall of Fame. Funny thing... he was my Dad's football coach... before Dad met Mom. I always hear wonderful stories of Bill. I have his audio tapes and I love to listen to them because he loved to tell stories and he once got a bag of M&Ms and acted like it was a huge reward because he did not eat bad things.

Grandmommy & Grandaddy Bill

This is my mother and Grandaddy Bill with a random puppy.

Snyder High School Graduation 1970

Halloween 2009

The time change is totally confusing me. I love it on one hand, but hate it on the other...

I noticed as I drove to our party last night the full moon was shining bright. It made me smile because it just seems perfect to have a full moon on Halloween! I was a ladybug this year... Not the best costume of my choice, but I had fun with it. I love to play with make-up! I put on the long eyelashes with sharpie as my eyeliner and even put dark pen through my eyebrows. My secret look was the dark make-up with blackish purple blush that I made from eye shadow.

When I got to the party at Nick's his roommate, Geoff answered the door in a huge sumo wrestler outfit! We gave candy out to the trick-or-treaters...It makes me sad these days there are just not as many! I think most parents take their kids to the churches... Nick lives in a very nice neighborhood in Plano so I thought there would be more? We had a blast laughing at the cute little costumes. Then we went to Nick's favorite neighbor, an older gentleman named Grady to trick or treat... He gave us a lot of candy and we stood there talking for a bit with him. We had a big group, but I didn't take many pictures! I mainly spent the night chit chatting with Nick's best friend growing up, Jenna and with his parents and their best friends. The boys watched football and played foosball. I always love Halloween just dressing up and being with friends. Next up... Christmas... what a transition!!!

Nick got the idea of being a tacky tourist from my friend, Stephanie Tettleton as she and her husband went as this in college... He was a hit!!!

Nick's Mom, Dianne was so proud of her pirate outfit!

Geoff's Girlfriend, Rebecca was a Wet T-Shirt winner and she was pretty embarassed the entire night and hid herself; Tony Florent is a nerd complete with toilet paper on this shoes and a Kick Me sign; Tony Cioletti wore his high school basketball outfit; Nick; Dianne; Geoff was a sumo wrestler, but his outfit hurt him so he switched to a thug

I'm not quite sure why I'm attracted to this tacky specimen!!!