20 YEARS

Today marks 20 YEARS since my mother, Deanna Adams, went to Heaven. I cannot adequately put into words what this day means to me, so I've decided to share some excerpts from my anniversary writings through the years. Today is not a sad day! I don't feel the sinking feeling, but I feel a sense of  gratitude and strength to look back at what all we have done in two decades.

If you don't know our story... My mother was many people's favorite teacher, cheerleading sponsor, and tennis coach. She told stories about me so much in her class that they felt as if I was their little sister. She passed away when I was 19 and at Texas Tech. She had a heart attack out of nowhere after going to the doctor for strep throat (so she was already staying home from work sick), while my Dad was at work. When I found out she was sick, I tried to call home that day. I was always paranoid, but this was different. I started to call my Dad and instant message neighbors. I was at my sorority Bible Study when my Dad called and asked me to get alone. I walked outside, and he said, "Your mom is no longer with us." 

I will forever be open about our story. Fast forward 20 years and there is so much more to the story. My Dad found a wonderful wife, I gained another mom along with her extraordinary family. I graduated college and went on to have my own family. I'm trying to condense 20 years into a few words. Impossible. I want you all to know that sometimes life stops spinning, but we somehow have to make a move. This past year has been full of so much grief and heartache for so many people. I cannot say that I'll ever understand any of it. I once said, "God didn't give me a choice, but thank God for giving me a voice."

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Memories make me laugh, memories make me smile and memories make me cry. I wake up each day and do not know if this day is “good” or “bad.“ My dad once called me a block of ice. Sometimes the ice melts and I see visions of what was... I hear her voice, see her smile, hear that laughter; I dream she is dying and I cannot stop it, I dream she is living and life is like it once was. There have been times I have lay on the floor, flat, paralyzed crying...And times I have screamed at God, thrown things at my wall while anger rises... And times I have held the hand of others in grief, laughed through tears because I know my mom is happy....And times I have known it is good she left because my life could not have grown without her death. I have struggled with God-I have lay in his arms- I have fallen to my knees- I have hugged the air.

For so long I fought to not be, "Hello, I am Julie... my mom passed away." It has come to be a part of who I am- and that is just fine. Family is an integral part of any friendship or relationship so if you are going to be my friend, you might as well know me. 

I started this strange thing back in high school. If I was stressed to the max I would close my eyes surrounding myself in the quiet of blackness. I would imagine opening my eyes and suddenly be in a different world away from everything and everyone. Many times now when I miss you the most I find myself closing my eyes so tightly... It is much easier to go through life blindfolded touching nothing so it hurts nothing. A blindfold of nothingness blinded by the darkness.

Looking back as I got the phone call that changed everything I look at that young girl. I had wisdom that I didn't understand and found strength that some never knew. That doesn't change. Everyone is going to lose loved ones and have to walk that new journey. Walking that journey is easier than going through life alone so it's inevitable. It's a choice to make whether we walk along with our loved ones knowing the road will fork and we will have to go down the dusty path or we walk alone in the darkness feeling nothing in our world. Looking back on this journey I would rather have her here, but since that is not an option I would rather enjoy it and take in the light God gives me.

Time helps deal with pain, but anniversaries only bring feelings to the surface and force you to live that day over and over again in your mind. Acceptance comes with time, but truly just moving past the loss might never happen. I have come to realize THAT IS JUST FINE. We are allowed to mourn as human beings and not brush the pain under the rug. 

It seems like a game. It's a game of dodgeball dodging life as it is thrown at you. One day you look around and somehow you are still standing. It's like an obstacle course where you keep running and running and one day you look around and you are still running when so many others have quit the race.

If I don't write, if I don't think, will she forever be gone? Will anyone remember her? I get angry with myself when I cannot remember things. She was with me for 19 years, yet my mind blocks these parts out and she becomes this figure just standing in my imagination. She is no longer real this way and it is quite easy. Then I will dream of her and she is real again.

I hated the way people treated me or didn’t treat me. When dealing with grief, yes I knew people dealt with it in all possible ways. Even I didn’t know whether I should approach a person in sadness or ignore them for the fact I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing to them, yet I wanted everyone to treat me normally. I wanted people to ask me how I was because if they didn’t, I could see in their eyes they were holding themselves back from wanting to ask me how I was. I hated the silence more than the straight questions. It was a double standard. I wanted people to ask, but I did not want them to feel pity for me.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to make God punish me. I heard a little girl talking at Relay for Life about her cancer and how she would not take it back because she learned to grow from it. I couldn’t figure out what could be so bad. Did I not pray enough? When bad things happen we so quickly try to punish ourselves or blame God. It is easier than facing reality. It is easier to yell at God for hurting you than see a silver lining in the clouds. 

People seem to pray the most when they are on fire. When the fire is extinguished some people just don’t seem to need God. I never thought like that because I needed God on fire or in calm waters. We sin and we are punished by God’s disappointment. I doubt we sin and He decides to have us fall off a cliff and break our leg. I could have never sinned enough to face the punishment of the fire I had walked through.

They always ask if you could change one thing, what would you change? If you could click back the timer to a minute ago. Would you mop up the spilled milk or did the spilled milk teach you to be more careful around glasses full of milk?

 

It angered me when I was in sadness or going through something that the world could just laugh while I cried inside. The people on tv laughing when I turned it on, laughing like their world was perfect. My life was flipped upside down and I felt as if smiling was guilt and laughing made me unethical. I wondered if anyone’s family ever smiled or laughed when bad things happened. How long did time have to move along? When tragedy hits our lives, it starts over again because that is the only way we can seem to deal with it.