Monday, September 4, 2017

Out of Control

The best way I communicate is in writing. I am without emotion externally, yet inteternally busting at the seams with so many thoughts. The only way I move in life is to write these thoughts. I joked I am a great funeral date because I'm so rigid and just there, but on the inside I crumble as I struggle to understand any and all of it.

Rewinding... last week was a disaster for the world. I sat on the outside of the hurricane in Houston just grasping at any sense of reality. I cannot for one second say I understand the feeling of going to sleep not knowing if I am to awaken to floodwaters surrounding my bed. I could only check on freinds and wait along with them. My heart was torn just watching the devastation and feeling helpless. There was one day the ones closest to me were traveling and my friends waited on waters to intrude their home and I sat there - out of control. I was out of control. We were all out of the control zone. It felt like I was skydiving just waiting on something to save all of us. Then in the middle of the hurricane, in the middle of feeling out of control, I get that call. I have gotten so many of these calls... I have attended 27 funerals. 27. This doesn't mean I was super close to all of them, this doesn't mean I'm some sort of statistic, it just means I've felt this kick in the gut, this shock that propels me into a state of no emotion at that instant, that call.

When one passes away we all start to sift through the memories. Brandi Bell Peters was my sorority sister, my friend, my roommate's lil sis in KD. She was full of life and just loved to have fun. She always tried to get me to dance at functions and was just this force. When we began looking for houses in Texas she took the reigns in Rockwall and lead me to realtors, lead me to her neighborhood, told me all about the area. We didn't end up in that area, but she continued to ask me about the hunt and sent me information. I guess God knew He was taking her soon and maybe that's why we didn't find the perfect home there. I cannot claim we were best friends or that we had a million memories together. What went through us like electrocution was the empathy, the sympathy for her family. Her husband, her babies, her mom... she lost her dad in college and since I had lost my mom I remember we talked about it in depth a few times. It's a strange bond to have. My heart was just in simple pain for her family. My husband supported me by attending the funeral with me; he knew somehow there was pain in my heart, yet a smile on my face. I showed it in other ways. In tight hugs, in respect, inside. And the problem with the way I handle things is I cannot let go quickly. We traveled to a party an hour away and my mind kept going back to Brandi. I kept thinking of the accident, my mind reeled with questions. I felt out of control.

The priest kept talking about our birthday in Heaven, the day we enter the gates. Instead of sadness I felt anger. I want them here. I don't want them having that birthday. If we all are so excited about this birthday, why aren't we rejoicing? I guess his point is we should be rejoicing. Again I felt the fire. I am not happy. I want those 27 people whose funerals I attended, I want them right here. Understanding no one can live forever, we understand this, but that anger is still there. I got my Mom for 19 years and it wasn't enough. These babies only had their mom for a few years, it isn't rational. It is that out of control feeling. It makes no sense.

So the world continues spinning. For the Houston area the spinning is good as it brings sunshine and dries out the rain. For all of those that loved the bright sunshine brought by Brandi, it brings warmth and lets us keep going. I can only pray time works in the hearts of her loved ones. We freefall as we feel control sliding away as if we ever had it in the first place. We can take control by doing what God leads us to do regarding the hurricane. I'm still listening. We can take control by letting go of our friend. It makes no sense. We scream at the sky. Just hit the cruise control and float as we take control of our emotions.

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