Words always seem so meaningless. Here I sit wanting to write words that fly off the page soaring with emotion, but I know it helps nothing. But, I still write because it's what I do. Somehow loss envokes a type of empathy within me that I have never understood. It even started before Mom passed away. I found writings from fifth grade when one of Mom's students passed away at the age of nineteen. I was baffled and I wrote trying to make sense of it all. I was not best friends with Melissa Brinker. I will not ever write as if I was closer to the person than I was... but, I adored her and she was always so special to me.
Melissa Brinker... at the young age of 29... was found perished in her home due to natural causes... probably a heart attack according to close friends. If I have the story correct she failed to call her parents after a dinner outing and they became a bit nervous after a few hours of waiting for the call that never came. Brinker ... as we liked to call her... was a Kappa Delta with me. She came to my mother's funeral after only knowing me a few short months. Brinker had one of the best hearts I knew. I don't say this to make her a saint... seriously, she was so lovely and spiritual and kind hearted. She would say things that would just make you laugh because she seemed so quiet. She was big into dance and cheerleading and always spoke about it. She and her sister, Laura were both involved in these things throughout college. She enjoyed teaching and being busy. She loved her dogs... Her sister, Laura is nine months pregnant and was unable to fly from Chicago... Speechless... Wow...
As we spoke to the parents my heart and head were somewhere that cannot be described... I had no words. Mary Claire kept saying she was so sorry. I didn't want to say it. Jennifer stood silently. I remember rambling something about her... I told them how special she was... as if they didn't know... They knew, but I knew there were no words. I believe I told them I had no words. Her mother hugged me and would not let go. I asked her what everyone was probably scared to ask... I just said, "How have ya'll been dealing with this?" She seemed relieved for a minute and she said, "We were okay until we came to this." I said, "It's always that way, isn't it? Always easy until it's real." It is. Truth. It's easy when you are far away from people hugging you and people talking... because then it's real. It's too real and you have to deal with it instead of sleep through everything. You have to wake up.
We walked up to the casket and stood there. I remember walking up to my mother's casket. I thought she was going to get up. I kept waiting. I was angry she didn't get up. I flashed back to the fact I made a list and that list contained almost twenty funerals I have been to in my life. I had never stood there like this. I felt scared. I literally thought she might awaken. She had a shiny diamond ring on her right hand... her nails all perfectly done. Her skin was so dark as I always remembered... Her hair fixed perfectly... Her face was pristine. Her tiny body seemed too perfect as if she was a wax model. She didn't even look like she was sleeping anymore, but like a perfect model. I still thought maybe she would move. Her mother said she had felt so angry that God took her away... I remember that type of anger. I still feel that type of anger. Standing there I didn't even feel angry... I do remember wondering if she was watching from Heaven. It was almost peaceful.
Melissa was so peaceful in life... She could be peaceful in death. She had no idea she touched so many lives. She brought together sorority sisters that haven't seen one another in six years. In death she even touched lives. So maybe there are no perfect words for anyone to ever understand. To sum it up... Melissa was an angelic personality... God takes His angels back so quickly... She flew Home... Melissa Brinker danced, laughed and smiled that night as God took her hand guiding her to Heaven... and for that... I'm speechless.