Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Freefalling Control

This is a picture of my cousin jumping off a dock a few years ago. It illustrates the feeling of freefalling without control of where and when you hit the water. It's an interesting perspective on life in itself. It never stops spinning.

I haven't sat down to write in forever. Maybe because I'm too afraid of saying the wrong thing! I try to stay away from any topic that would illicit opinion! We've almost been in Las Vegas for a year so there's lots I have learned in that year. I do know there is no place like where you call HOME. I call Texas HOME and in my heart it is where I belong. For now we belong in Nevada, but it's been a journey! We enjoy many things about it and have friends, but the place your heart calls home never leaves its space. It's toughest to live in the different time zone, to miss important events in family and friends' lives, to feel so far away, to drift from people and to get closer to others, to explain your strange accent to locals, to explain I don't own horses and shoot snakes for fun, to not be able to drive a few hours to see family... there's little things and big things. There's great things about where God has us at this time as well... amazing neighbors, a great preacher, always being outdoors, always being active, many parks to roam around and places to shop, the small town feel, the beautiful mountains... many lovely things. Change is hard on me. My mind reaches out to catch things that are changing and I freefall.

God has been working in my life about control. I always want to control things. I prepare for what I cannot control in case my control doesn't work. I try to be faithful in my need to control, then things like floods come perishing entire families and I'm left dumbfounded. You cannot say or do anything in this circumstance. If Nick goes for a bike ride I cannot control his turns. I cannot control where my parents will travel on their motorcycles. I cannot watch Nick's parents on my personal monitor to make sure they are okay at their mountain house. Easy to say, tough to do. Worrying about our children is just another realm. Letting go of that control that I have over their breath and their movements means letting God take over. And then I stand beside wondering what He is doing. It's all about baby steps in this journey. Life is often about freefalling and losing that control. Not only in change, but in everything we do. I have no solution and I cannot say I've totally let go of the reigns because it's a daily battle. There is not enough preparation in the world to ever understand what we cannot.

Freefall. Almost impossible.

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