I found something perfect to tie my heart to the funeral today. I want to share it before I write my blog. I wrote this in 2004 in my novella, "Souls of Grace." This passage is basically the true story of the day of my mother's funeral.
"The funeral. I hated that day. I woke up with the sun blasting through my blinds. Murmurs of voices outside my door. It is funny when you are awake, life seems new again. God has granted this new day. But, this day was not new. It was dark to me. I rolled over and threw Happy the Bear against the wall. I shielded my eyes against the bright sunlight trying to make my dark day shine. She was pristine lying in the casket. In the casket they never look the same, but a wax imitation that a coroner creates. The make-up is a little darker, the hair more perfect. I keep all of this inside because talking about pain only makes it seep into my veins. Not feeling is easier because I can move through life instead of drowning in sorrow. We love, we lose. It seems easier to lose than to love. If I didn’t love them, I hadn’t lost them. It is funny how I do not feel pain when I see a person on the news in New York that has been murdered. It means nothing. It means everything when it is my friend, a name I know. If I did not know them, I would not be drowning. Sometimes it is easier to be alone, yet it is impossible to live."
I don't share this to act as if I understand what that family is going through at all. I share this as a sense of loss of how it affects us all so differently. People must realize that family is strong right now. Everything is like fresh dirt. Once it settles and the people stop surrounding you and the cards stop flowing and the flowers are put away... that is when you are needed the most. One day Gabe will walk in from work with his two little boys and have to figure out a nightly routine. They will have to clean out her closet. I remember sitting in my mother's closet surrounded by her clothing and breathing her in. The journey isn't just the time we lose people. That is the hardest part for me to understand. That is when it pulls at the strings of the heart for me. The years down the road.
The funeral was full of family and friends for Lindsay. Our sorority sisters filled four rows. It means the world that everyone comes from their own walks of life to honor a sister. Some were very close; others were acquaintances. That doesn't matter. There was a beautiful slideshow, songs and words from the preacher. The slideshow truly showed what a wonderful mother and wife Lindsay was to her children and Gabe. You could see the love and patience in her eyes.
We will lose many people in this life. It is hard to be happy even though they are in Heaven. The preacher was talking about how Lindsay was talking to God about her stories of life. I want my loved ones here by me telling me their stories. I want Grandmommy back so I can call and talk to her about everything. I want Sarah back to make me laugh and put me in my place. I am sure Lindsay's friends are thinking this right now. It is quite selfish how we do want them here instead of Heaven, but to us it just makes more sense. I wonder why Mom doesn't get bored up there. Come on, you've been there 11 years... time to visit me. It is a ridiculous thought, but we all think it at times, we just don't usually say it aloud.
I deal with things through words. I don't cry at funerals, but I shake. It's like my body's way of feeling. I hate funerals, yet I believe in them. As I said in other blogs, I love a lot of people and I will lose a lot of people. The only way we can get through these things is pure love and holding hearts together. There is just no other way.
In conclusion of this day... It is Lindsay Breault Lewis'day. This young lady was a patient, sweet, caring, lovely girl. I never heard her say a negative thing or saw a frown on her face. She was quiet, but strong. I watched her with her boys one day when I ran into them and those boys just thought she ran the world. They loved her so much. Today a church full of people showed her that she made an impact in their lives. The sweetness of a kind heart can change lives. She is truly an angel.
Holding hearts is the only way through this. Today and tomorrow and five years down the road.