Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Playing Tug-Of-War With God

It's been a year since you flew to Heaven. You wanted to go for so very long. I felt as if I was playing tug-of-war with God to keep you here. You lost your husband and your daughter and you just wanted to see them again. There were times I looked at the phone wanting to call you, but I don't have Heaven's number. Funny how people say they didn't get to say goodbye. I said it every time I hung up the phone. Funny thing there were no words left unsaid. I asked you everything I could think of about your life. There are things now sometimes I want to ask. You told me stories about growing up and during the war and all about Mom and Mike. We didn't talk much about Mom because it made you a bit sad, but sometimes I would get you to tell me stories. You told me stories about my Dad because they made your face light up. He was like a son to you. You taught me a lot of things about loving others and not getting involved in taking sides when people divorce. You taught me that the older generation didn't exactly hate gay people like they always think. You loved your neighbors and you didn't care they were lovers. You knew the Bible so well and you lived it.

For some people grandparents are just grandparents. For me, all of mine were special and close to me. I loved when you were in a good mood and I could make you laugh. It was hard at times because you sort of gave up on living because your soul was so sad. Everyone around you was gone but Mike, Dad, your niece Lynda and me. I tried to make that enough, but I knew it just wasn't. Selfishly I wanted to keep you here forever because you were a friend. You prayed for me and I felt it. You always gave Dad and I a fresh Coca Cola even though you knew I hated the calories. When Granny Jac said I couldn't have her costume jewelry, you racked through your closet and gave me handfuls. When I was little you would hand me the JCPenney catalog and I got to go through it circling the toys I wanted. Grandmother Rae always got me the expensive, pristine dolls when I just loved Barbies and Cabbage Patch Dolls; Granny Jac got me the craziest gifts that she truly thought I'd love; and you got me exactly what I loved.

The days before you passed you called me a few times. We talked about you living to be 119 and you said there was no way you wanted to do that. The last time I saw you I hugged you and you were so tiny. I felt as if I would crush you. I knew it wasn't that far away. You would have hated if you had to pass away over a long period of time. It would have broken our hearts as well, but your soul wasn't happy here anyway. Mike will say you were so happy and you were healthy. I wonder how I could prepare better than him. I knew in my heart. I don't dream of you much because I think I accept it. I don't dream of Granny Jac either because I am at peace with her going as well. I didn't know Mom well enough yet, we still had many years. The one thing I can be sure of in my acceptance is she loved me with her entire heart. I wasn't mature enough to show her the extent of my love. Sarah was a true friend and I wasn't ready for her go. Truly, are we ever? The laughter and love she brought to my life is hard to find in the real world. She knew I loved her very much. I always told her she brought something special to my life. They are in my dreams.

You said in the limo on the way to the church when Mom passed, "This too shall pass." We know. We let the pain of you passing leave us, but we will always remember you. Dad loved you like his own mother. It's weird dealing with the business as I step into Mom's shoes. I know you would just want me to be happy. You always sent me money even though I had a real job in the real world, but you always felt as if you were helping me and that warmed my heart. It feels as if you left me these things so you could continue to protect me. It's never about things. When I visit the house, it is nothing without you there. When I visited it growing up every single time you stood at the door to greet us. You gave us hugs and we happily walked in where you offered us chocolate and soda. Weird that the last few times I visited you, sometimes you were not at the door. I knew in my heart then. When I picture you in Heaven I truly smile. You are so happy with Grandaddy Bill, Mom and your family members. That's what I love to feel about you. You are free and having a blast. I hope you think of us at times. We are here enjoying life!!! Though I still look at the phone to call you, a smile soon breaks across my face thinking you are with your family having a blast.

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