To Make You Feel My Love

Showing love through laughter

Each year on Mom's anniversary I try to pen an inspiration. Sometimes it is hard to find a topic as you cannot rehash the past every year. You can only put your memories on paper so many times and you can only explain in writing so many times the journey you have traveled. Yet it is still important to pay tribute.

I was going to write Mom a letter about getting married and about this new journey. Then I decided for me getting married is just another chapter and I am the same person as I have said a million times before. Something hit me as I wrote the letter in my head. For years I beat myself up that I did not show my love properly. I wondered if she even knew I loved her. I was a teenager so of course, I was no saint to her. I was never rude yelling or dishonoring my parents in any way, but I didn't hug them enough or share my feelings enough. My Dad respects this about me now and he knows the way I show my love and he never asks for anything more because he just knows he is my hero and I love him more than anything in the world. It's so easy to write feelings for me, but not communicate them... So, it hit me... I realized at times Nick will ask for more out of me showing my love. Instead of writing it in an email or performing a task for you, he wants me to show affection more and to express my love. To me, I think, Wait, how does he not know I love him more than myself, more than the world? I realized I show my love in my own way... thus, I realized I showed Mom love in this way. No, I was not great at telling her or loving on her like I should have been, but I remember standing there by the couch when she was very sick one night. I cried wanting to take away that pain, I told God make me hurt, not her. I would try to cook for her, I remember trying to make my parents a candlelight dinner setting one anniversary, I made her videos of her old photos, I handmade her cards and I will never forget the first time I had my own money to get her a gift and I got her this GAP sweatshirt she loved that was a lot of money for me and we were both beaming... this is how I showed my love. She had to know this is how I showed my love. I cannot beat myself up anymore because I realize I DID show my love in my own way. Sometimes she would come and sleep with me on Saturday mornings for a little bit and just doing that together was love. Watching our recorded TV shows together and sharing whatever food we ordered together. I mean, there are so many memories that show love. No, I was not great the way I should have been, but I did what I could.

Brenda knows when Dad and I hug her and give her a big pat that makes her body vibrate, that means we love her. My dad is better at it than me, but I communicate so much better in writing and in action. I do hug on people and verbally communicate my affection more because I've learned a lot from loss over the years, but at the root of it, I know how I communicate love best. Mom knew this, too, I now believe. So, as I get married, back to the original thought, it is hard doing it without her. She would love Nick and I know she would have loved to go toe to toe with him in a witty argument. Someone asked Brenda and I this year if they would have been friends. I said, Heck yes, Mom would have truly enjoyed her. It's great that the world does keep turning and our worlds keep turning. She will always be here in spirit. It's so important to make others feel your love the best way you know possible. Share it. Make it count.

The Rules

You hear all the old wisdom... "Don't go to bed angry." "Agree to disagree." "Don't change the other." I think I've gotten those rules down. Maybe so, but I'm learning more and more about marriage each day. Most parents make it look easy. Mine did anyway. I had this idea for marriage that you go singing and dancing into your new house with all your stuff and your dog and your cat, and your life is perfect. I am learning marriage is work. Great work, but to get there it takes working together. I'm not yet married, yet I know getting to that wedding aisle is work. You have to work together with the one God made for you to get to that singing and dancing place. We've sat for countless hours talking about things, and still then you don't know everything until you actually live together. You can say, Look I'm going to fold the toothpaste this way, and, Hey, I like to throw my towels on the floor. You can say it, but until I see it, I cannot act on it. I truthfully don't see how people just jump into marriage without thinking. We have thought through this for almost five years! I'm ready to hop down that aisle!

Plans are going well. I've gotten the dress, sent out the Save the Dates, gotten my eight bridesmaids in order, all that fun stuff. I've done just about everything you have to put in stone. Now we move towards the bachelorette parties, the showers, the shoes, his ring, the honeymoon, the cake topper, the programs, the gifts, ya know... I have a planner so I don't pass out, and boy, does she help! We are getting married in a Catholic church so we are going to start going to some classes this week. I think it will be pretty neat. I've had to remind myself at the middle of all of this are two people uniting in marriage. I'm still me, yes, but, it's about both of us. It sure is fun to get wrapped up in all the hoopla, but when it comes down to it, we are the ones dancing and singing into our new lives. So we know, "Don't go to bed angry," as I never leave Nick if we have a disagreement, we sit down and figure it out because I don't want my eyes to be all swollen the next day from no sleep... and well, it's the smart thing to do. And we know, "Agree to disagree," as there are just some things in the world you may never see with the same heart. "Don't change the other," yes, we know, because we are both stubborn people and at heart we are both pretty good folks, so what's there to change? Parents make it look easy. You know why? Because Nick's parents have been together over 30 years and follow these same steps. My parents were together 27 years before Mom passed and they always worked it out. Brenda and Dad have been together since 2003 and they put God in the middle of everything and work it out. So hopefully one day we can make it look easy, too, that is, unless he folds the toothpaste wrong for over a year.

http://www.weddingwire.com/adamsgray

Save The Date Photos

We took some pre-engagement photos for our Save the Dates... I decided not to do Bridal photos so she threw this little mini session in! There are a lot more photos, but I had her just edit five quickly to get our cards out. Planning is going well. It seems I have almost everything in place... except the dress... That could be pretty important! I am meeting with the planner this weekend so we can finalize the Save the Date cards. I also have a shower set in Big Spring and Dallas!!! Everything is really exciting, but also overwhelming at the same time ensuring you don't forget the small details. We also have to figure out big things like where we are going to live... I think we will live in Nick's house in Plano for a while... and ya know, the honeymoon! It's very, very exciting!!!

These were taken in Grapevine. I wasn't so sure about my hair because it was very humid, but the photographer is amazing so she made us look good!!!

Roots

It's quiet now as time nears bed and I miss all of the laughter from the weekend. I flew home Friday night for an enjoyable time in West Texas. Saturday morning one of my Matrons of Honor... oh, wait, let me explain, I have eight bridesmaids - two of those are actually MOHs... Nick and I both do. We're different. Anyway, Stephanie came to get me to take me to Big Spring to register for my bridal shower there. I am going to have two showers, it gets complicated! My other Matron, Chandra, met us at our first store called Jake Switzel. It's an adorable little boutique downtown. Right off I could tell I was not great at registering. I found a few knick knacks here and there, but not too much at the first store. So we headed to Elrods in town that has furniture, kitchen items and so much more. They went straight for the "must haves" like kitchen things. I have a lot, but wow, there are so many gadgets I did not know existed. I have gorgeous plates and glasses, but not many serving dishes. So they tackled that while I wandered around and picked out things here and there. We got a big registry going! Here's the deal with the Big Spring shower... So the girls want to honor Mom by making it a shower she would throw. They have enlisted the help of old Big Spring teachers as well inviting a huge list of teachers Mom worked with for this shower. It is quite touching. I feel a bit surreal and don't want them to look at me with sad eyes, but I am also excited. These women were a part of my entire life as I would roam down the halls every day after school to find Mom growing up.

So we then headed to Settles Hotel for lunch. The Settles has just been renovated after being closed for what, 30, 50 years? It is going to boom Big Spring, it is beyond amazing. One of the guys took us on a tour of the rooms and the ballroom. I have toured a lot of ballrooms for wedding stuff and this was the most beautiful one I have seen in Texas! Everything is extravagant. We had to wait 45 minutes for lunch - in Big Spring, home of 25,000 people! It makes me so happy to see this hotel blooming again. It's just such a treasure. So after lunch we headed to Chandra's home. She and her husband have built this gorgeous home in the country and I have not been able to get out to see it. We went out there and began registering online for my shower in Dallas. Most of all, the three of us had a great time gabbing. I have been friends with Stephanie since I was 4, I believe... and Chandra, oh about the same age. My two very best friends are so very special. Chandra's little girl was not there, but I did get to see Stephanie's three boys a little while later. They are so cute. My parents came in town to get me and we took them and the Stewarts, Stephanie's parents, to the Settles to see it. Of course, for dinner, there was now an hour wait so we went to another restaurant! We were tuckered out at the end of the day for sure.

Today we just enjoyed life around the house. Brenda gave me some sewing tips. I will never be as cool as her at sewing. Dad and I watched TV and hung out. I took the puppy dog on a jog which made her just pass out afterwards! We had a very nice time. Dad kept talking about priorities after I get married and this or that. I kept explaining just because I am married, I am the same Julie. The thing is that I will always be his daughter. I am 31 years old and very close to my family. I explained to he and Brenda I am "weird" if they did not know! They laughed and said, yep, they know. I know what matters in life and I go at it full force. Dad worries at times I am like Granny Jac without much emotion and doing things my way... oh, maybe a little, but I am also very much Mom and Grandmommy, too. I like that I am strong like Granny Jac, but also know there is harm in being too strong as it turns you to ice. I know that. I have fought against that thought. I am also my mother and I am very, very proud of that. I am also my Dad, too, in many ways and gosh darn beyond proud of that. I will be married, yes, but it's just another chapter. It is not as if it is a new book. Nick and I have been together almost five years and we have been through so much. Marriage is going to be a new chapter for us as we walk through it together. He gets annoyed when I joke too much in public forums about love and marriage because it's hard to be "real." I'll say that I'm truly blessed to be marrying Nick and to be uniting as one in families and together. They say you marry your dad. I think Nick and Dad may be so much alike, yet so different in their own ways. To say what Nick is in my world isn't even about words. Anyway, the bottom line is that I am still me. No matter what in life as the chapters change, the base of Julie is the little girl from West Texas who grew up to be the big girl in Dallas Texas with roots that can never be pulled away from their base.

31 Candles

I was not that cool with turning 31. I do believe it beats the alternative! I decided this year with all the fun wedding planning and insanity I just needed a break so I decided it was time for all girls! Nick took me out Thursday night to Terillis for a wonderful dinner and Friday night I hung out with Jana and went to the CRU Wine Bar for dinner. Dad and Brenda called me at midnight to tell me Happy Birthday! Funny thing, I was asleep - they are cooler than me!!! Saturday morning on my actual 31 candles Nick and I went to breakfast then I went to just chill out. We began the festivities by Andrea, Kacie, Suleika and I went to get manis and pedis. We had so much fun. Suleika brought us some mimosas and we just chit chatted and didn't even notice our beautiful nails until they were completely done. I planned my party at Painting with a Twist. Kacie, Jana, Sarah, Stephanie, Andrea and I all got some goodies and headed up there. I invited a few other gals that couldn't come, but the ones that came turned out to be such a very special group of women to me, in fact, all of them but one are a few of my bridesmaids! We have all been friends for over ten years! We had a blast painting! I'll let the pictures tell the story, but I understand now I'm not Picasso. Such a blessed birthday. 31 isn't so bad... let's hope!

Andrea, Julie, Kacie

Andrea

Kacie

Stephanie, Sarah

Hard At Work

Stephanie

Mine looks like child's artwork. Sad.

Andrea's is amazing

Stephanie's Canvas

Half of my bridesmaids

Christmas Vacation

The magic of Christmas was definitely swirling around us following our engagement. I was beyond excited the parents were coming in town. Dad and Brenda got here Sunday and we headed to the Gray household for their night of fun on Christmas Eve. They host a LOT of family so we feel like little chipmunks in the midst of a zoo! It's so enjoyable to just chat and hang out. The best part was the little boy that always reads the Christmas story - he did it by memory this year! That was just too cool.

This is when they were announcing our engagement. I love our faces here.

Telling the Christmas story

Dianne, Jim, Granny Merle, Justin, Nick, Julie

 We opened gifts there then came to my apartment to open our gifts. I always say we give a lot of gifts... this year Brenda says I got 34. Sounds crazy, but one of those gifts might be coffee and the other might be a t-shirt. It's just fun to open. My biggest gifts were a Keurig and a little sewing machine. Love it! Nick's mom made me this adorable pillow with my family and his family when we were around the same age. Very special. Nick got me a neat video recorder so I don't have to use my phone! We had such a good time listening to music and opening gifts. Oh, did I mention, I got sick that weekend so I sort of felt a little out of it. I tried to not let it stop me. Chewy, the parents new doggy came, and she is precious.

Nick and I had Christmas morning with his family and Granny. We opened gifts and watched a part of "The Christmas Story" then headed to Oklahoma. It began to sleet and snow on us about halfway there so we had to drive about 45 mph. Dad and Brenda had gone ahead. We had a blast in Oklahoma with my family. It was snowy so we played with my nieces in the snow a little watched my stepbrother, Steven burn everything in this fire pit because they hadn't picked up the trash. He had too much fun! Christmas night Ashley's family came and we all had a big meal and enjoyed life. I slept with Rylie and Nick slept in a bed on the floor. Well, I couldn't find Rylie so I turned on the lights and she was asleep on the actual floor. I picked her up and asked her what she was doing, She says, "You were taking my covers so I went to sleep on the other bed, but Nick was on there, so I just slept on the floor." Pretty good logic there. We had a really nice relaxing time with the family. My favorite place to be.

You can see the snowball Rylie is throwing at me in the air. How mean.

Dad's New Ipad

Jumping on the trampoline in snow

Chewy

 

Saige & Rylie

Steven & Ashley

Tea Party
 

We all headed back and hit some wedding venues. My Dad and Brenda were so kind to go look with me. They truly go above and beyond. Nick is very involved as well. I don't want to get into all that because this is about Christmas! I was really sad when Dad and Brenda left. We had such a great time. It's so nice just to be with family away from your own little world for a while. Of course, you know you have to always go back to the real world, but it's such a vacation in a sense. Watching Nick play tea parties with the girls and learning to sew from Brenda was such a highlight. Jesus is the reason for the season, and as I lay my head down after everyone had gone home and I was just me again, I talked to Him a long time telling him how thankful I am for such amazing blessings.

The Proposal

 

The little girl dreams of being a princess one day. She dreams of her knight rescuing her from all of the dragons in the land. Somehow he does after she travels along the broken roads and the hills of horror. Oh, the journey is never over, it's only just begun.

The date was December 22, 2012. I woke up with a cold coughing and wheezing. I knew I had a big date that night so I had to work out and get beautiful. Nick tells me what time to be ready and just to look cute for the first event. He takes me to the new Ross Perot Museum. The exhibits wind and lurch as you touch each exhibit and it springs to life. We are both amazed at everything we are learning throughout the museum. After this he lets me go home and get dressed ready for tonight's adventure. He takes me to Bob's Steak and Chop House. Knowing I do not like steak, he promises me some scrumptious seafood. The atmosphere is perfect as we eat our meals. He has prime rib and I have Chilean sea bass. He keeps telling me we are going far out of town so my mind is wandering. Finally as we leave we travel down the streets of historic Grapevine downtown. The magic of Christmas whips around me and I am smiling. We arrive at the Gaylord Texan.

We walk through the middle of the Gaylord looking at everything and Nick is leading me to Gaylord Ice. I ask him how he knows where it is as he has never been before. He tells me he went many years ago. I find out this is one of the first "lies" of the night. We get down to it, but he decides since I am sick it won't be a good idea so I say, "Let's go take pictures." I love pictures so if I am ever down, just pose in a picture with me and all is well again. We find a fun sleigh we had seen before. Nick tells me that my camera isn't "good enough" and he is going to get a professional. I wait for about 15 minutes wondering what the heck he is doing. Finally he has a girl in tow with him. We get in the sleigh posing and smiling.

 

 He jumps over me to get out which I thought nothing of. As I step down the stairs, he gets on his knee. "What are you doing?" "Julie, you know you're the love of my life. Will you spend the rest of your life with me?" I think I said yes. All I know is I saw a sparkling ring and quickly slipped it on my own finger! The photographer is snapping away at this point. I am laughing and turning bright red. People are clapping. Nick is hugging me. I am shaking. I don't cry, I shake. It's just me! As we follow the photographer to retrieve our photos, Nick says, "Do you see the middle of the ring? It is your mother's diamond?" He specially designed the ring with his godfather who is a jeweler in Dallas.

 

He tells me of all of the behind-the-scenes stories as we stand in line. I called Dad and Brenda first. I said, "Well, I got my ring." Dad says, "Oh, you did, what ring?" I know he knows. He says he is very happy for us and he loves me dearly. Then I call my best friend, Chandra. I send out a million texts, my phone dies so I cannot call anyone else. Nick asks me if I remember my sister in law asking me about my ring size for a "jewelry party" she was having. Lie! Andrea asked me what rings I liked and where I pinned them on Pinterest because Nick had her on a special assignment I found out. Nick and his buddies had been to Gaylord scouting it all out the week before! Nick called my dad one night late to ask him when it just hit him, maybe God told him to, we don't know. Many of our families and best friends were in on it and I am quite surprised no one slipped.

Surreal to say the least, the princess slips on her ring.