I sat down as they were singing in church as I had so many thoughts whirling through my mind. I've been working with God on a lot of things within myself lately. Nothing bad, but just realizing certain things about myself. I'd been analyzing these dreams I had with people from the past that hurt me badly. It hit me suddenly... I had not forgiven them. It's so easy to forgive those that are friends that hurt us. I forgave a guy that broke my heart and we are friends. It took me two years to truly forgive a friend that betrayed me... and guess what... I don't dream about it anymore. I realized I hadn't forgiven a coach that tried to ruin my life in high school... a boss that ripped my spirit to shreds... and then I wondered if I forgave them would it make it okay to treat people in that way? If I didn't forgive them would they forever be in my nightmares making me sit on the bench or yelling at me? No matter how many years pass and we all try to move on with our lives... That hurt never leaves somewhere inside of us until we can forgive.
I often speak of my nightmares. I spoke with Nick about it recently just needing someone to understand or tell me what to do... He told me to LET THEM GO. I've been to probably 15 funerals in my life... yet, I only dream about Mom and Sarah. I can understand dreaming about Mom because she was Mom... I don't understand the dreams at times or why she is angry with me in the dreams at times... I am guessing it is because subconsciously I am angry with myself for never showing my love enough for her. With Sarah it's so hard. I fear now that when I lose another friend they will join her in the dreams. Can I not get close to people because they may leave? A friend at work told me that it must be hard knowing so many people because there is so much pain always happening... with someone. I know I don't grieve correctly... I laugh through it all. I don't dream about friends I lost to death and I wonder if it's because I have total closure or I wonder if it's because Sarah was one of my very best friends? Granny Jac and Grandaddy... I don't dream about them and I loved them dearly. Or is it because I feel guilt? Could I have somehow helped Sarah? Why didn't I answer when she called me? That wouldn't have mattered because she passed away the next day... so why do I selfishly think talking to her would change whatever stopped her heart? See, in my dreams my Mom is usually back from dying and/or is sick... I understand that for some reason. Mom never blames it on me. Sarah in dreams has faked her death and never went away in the first place. I think once I get to go to Big Spring and get to visit her grave I will have some closure... because maybe to my mind it is still a dream?
Now we talk about faith. Because Nick says all of this is about faith. God knows what is right. God knows. Not us. My friend, Lindsey has Stage 3 advanced breast cancer. They told her last week that treatment is not working in her body due to genetically mutated cells... She is only 26... Still a newlywed in a sense... yet, she gives it all to God. On one hand I am juggling the fact that since she is so faithful it shines light on God instead of medicine. On the other hand I am just plain confused as to WHY WHY WHY? She keeps reminding us that in adversity it is all about praising God because He is smarter than medicine and He has a plan. She does not falter in her faith at all. Me... I seem to run and hide because I'm scared to death of God. I love Him and know He is my Savior, but I'm plain scared at times. When I think of the things most of us face and the things we worry about... I remember Lindsey and just think of all she is facing, but she is not running. She said to BRING IT ON.
So this week it is about letting go. Flying. God is always working in my life... I know that. Bitter or Better. It's all about one letter.