Thursday, May 6, 2010

I Am A Steel Magnolia

I hadn't thought about Mother's Day much ... until it seemed the world threw it at my face. It was always just another day. Sometimes I take the high road and toast to my pseudo moms and sometimes I just don't. I bought cards today for Grandmommy, Dianne and Brenda. They treat me like a daughter. But, I'm not really their daughters and I know where their love truly lies. They love me, but not like a real daughter. They just can't. I hadn't thought much about it until it slowly trickled closer to the day. Brittney asked Jana and I, "So, what are you doing for Mother's Day? Oh... oops... Sorry, Julie." It was okay. It always happens. Grandmommy says, "I was going to send you a devotional about Mother's Day, but Mike (my uncle and mom's brother) said it was throwing it in your face." No, Grandmommy, it's fine. Church is about Mother's Day Sunday. Dad says maybe I should do my own thing. UGH UGH UGH. I just want to be normal.

I go through the pictures trying to remember memories... but, the same pictures are there. I have shown them thousands of times. People get tired of them and probably want more from me. There are so many days in the year when people who lose those close to them can grieve... It's true... And you think time fades it? Oh, yes, in a sense... but, loss is always there. I'm annoyed because I cannot remember as much as I wish I could. I was nineteen... my gosh... way too young to understand. Mother's Day was our day... because I was a spoiled little teeny brat that didn't know how to show love except on her day. I took her to a shrimp dinner when Dad was working after church. I remember that for a few years. I wrote her poems for a few years. I remember loving her enough on that day. Do we ever truly love enough though?

Life is so quick. It really is. I looked at the calendar today in awe thinking how I stood there the past few months tearing off the months like it was just yesterday each time. Everything is just yesterday.

With Mom it isn't like I would save her now. Life is how God planned and if one thing was out of whack it would switch our whole lives. If she was alive I would be so afraid of losing her that I would never leave her side. No way to live. Maybe one day I would have realized she was my best friend instead of my mother. People sometimes don't understand my love for my grandmother, my dad, my family... they will one day. I want to put Grandmommy in this box and make her live forever and just talk to her and love on her. But, you know what, I know more than anything she wants to go to Heaven with Grandaddy Bill and Mom. I know that. My Dad has this second chance at life that God gave him with our family and I desperately want it to be this big happy family because it's what we all need in life. I can't be with him every day all day and that's best for both of us. I'm surprised at my strength sometimes that I let go. We all have to live our own lives. In "Steel Magnolias" Shelby says she'd rather live thirty minutes of wonderful than a life of nothingness. It's so true. I always live so scared... stepping out of the box could mean pain. But, days pass so quickly... we must step out and live.

I've done this slideshow below over and over. This time I changed the music to music about strength. When we face days that make us remember those we loved and loss we must look back at the journey and see how far we have come... Sometimes I flash back to that young nineteen year old I was standing there when I got the news... and I am in utter awe that I was able to make it... But, you know what, God didn't ask. He didn't stop the world for me. Mom lost her dad at a younger age than I am right now... and she kept going. She cried a lot... because that is how she handled pain. I don't cry a lot. I write. I walk. I live.

Dad faces another year without his mother and she was over eighty when she passed. Any age feels loss. Any age will remember those years she loved us so much. Any age will remember the times as we grew old she was right there. Mothers are just that special. I do thank God for those in my life that step in and handle me. They don't even know what they truly are in my heart, but I do. I will never take anyone like that for granted again. Some of us learn the hard way.

And... speaking of my "Steel Magnolias" quotes... This below explains so many times over the past nine years when thinking of Mom... except it's me instead of Sally Field talking about her daughter. I could always jog to Texas and back... but, Mom was always fighting something physical with her bad stomach problems. So me.

M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why*! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand! I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!

The journey. Live it. Love it.

1 comment:

Laura said...

That's one of my favorite quotes from that movie too (although there are many that are worth quoting!) Can't tell you how many times I have screamed those words. And then I always have to think of the line right after when Clairee grabs Ouiser and says, "Here! Hit this!" It always makes me feel better because (as another quote from the movie says), "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

Someday you'll have kids that will make you enjoy Mother's Day again. That's the only way I get through Father's Day--I focus on Aaron. I love you, sweet girl! Celebrate your Mom tomorrow any way you see fit! Hugs!