Thursday, April 8, 2010

Sarah Smith. One Year.

A year ago this weekend I lost one of my very best friends. The way I deal with things is always in reverse. When Sarah first passed I was in such shock that I just went through the motions. We called everyone and we told friends and we went to the funeral. It wouldn't be until months later that I fell apart. I missed my friend so much. I talk about my dreams a lot. In the dreams Sarah is never gone. She never really went. So many dreams like this. She has just been hiding. And maybe this is what my mind wishes. She is always so vibrant and full of life in my dreams. She has long curly hair and a bright smile... just like I remember her. It isn't strange to miss my friend or to dream about her... it's how I deal with things. Some people lose people to death and hit it hard and move on. Not me. I deal with it in my own way.

Sarah meant something to me and to the world that some cannot understand. She owned the room. People were always following her because she had that magic. She was special beyond words. We would call one another and just talk for hours about life. She listened and she enjoyed just talking. This year I found an old e-mail she wrote in memorial of my mother. I felt the tears stinging my face. My mother loved Sarah so much. She loved to sit and talk to her because Sarah was interesting and Sarah was fun. I haven't watched the home videos yet... the countless ones we all made in high school... I just cannot yet. It still makes it all too real.

When Mom passed away she was the first friend I saw in my house. She said she expected me to be so different than I was at the time. I remember passing her at the funeral and telling her to stop crying. Don't you see? She was always an integral part of my life. I try to block it all out. She was just someone that would always stick by you and just always be there. She didn't drift because that wasn't Sarah. She would be a traveling nurse in California... but, she still called once in a while.

We were all at Horseshoe Bay one summer sitting in a circle talking about what we wanted for our lives. Sarah said she wanted to own a bookstore and read all the books and collect old ones to sell. She told me even when she was a distinguished nurse that deep down that would always be a dream. I believe she would have done it if God had let her live a few more years. She touched so many lives in her short life. She made friends with everyone in her path and somehow changed their life as well. I was always so envious of her because she could wear a t-shirt and silver lipstick while I worked for hours to wear a perfect dress and perfect hair, but people still loved her more than anyone in the room. She had that magic.

Sarah Smith will live on forever. I will forever miss her. When I travel through Big Spring I plan to visit her grave. She would sometimes go visit Mom's grave and call to tell me about the flowers that were put on it... Now, I want to do the same for her. Maybe I need more closure from missing my friend... I don't know? She's an angel, I do know that. She always was...

1 comment:

Charles Smith said...

Thank you Julie for such kind and loving words about my Sarah, she too was my best friend, my confidant and my joy. I sit here this morning with tears streaming down my face wishing she would come dashing through the front door with that laughter and smile as she had done so many times before. This year has been nothing but hell for me and my family and our hell will live on till we join Sarah. Sarah and I had a special relationship, more than a father/daughter but more like kinded spirits. I too died 1-year ago today at 7:11 pm and I will never ever be the same. I too walk by your Mom's grave and wonder why, it's not fair and sometimes the anger and grief overcomes me and I almost lose my mind. I often wonder "why couldn't it have been me, not my Sarah". Anyway you touched my heart with your kind words about my Sarah, my baby, daughter and I loved the pictures on the blog. I miss her soooo. Life will never ever be the same. Charles