Loving It

I keep talking about Spring like I've never seen it before. I am truly enjoying it.

The last week in March is Grandmommy's anniversary, Nick and I met, and Granny Jac's anniversary. Emotional a bit. But, it was all good and I had a great week.

This week one of my best friends, Wendy came in town from Houston. She took me out for a night at Truluck's. We had such wonderful food. It was so nice to just sit and chat. We don't get to see one another much. We met when she was 20 and I was 23 when we reported together at KTAB/KRBC so we have been friends for a very long time. She lives a very lavish lifestyle going to all of the ritziest places and dating NFL and NBA players so it just makes me smile. I so don't live that life, but it's fun to hear about. She just bought a house in the suburbs so we shall see how her life changes! She has a great heart and we laugh way too much. I went home remembering why I love my friends so much. I think we all get caught up in the day to day activities and sometimes just forget to go out and enjoy life with friends.

Thursday I went to happy hour in West Village with some of my co-workers. We laughed the entire time. Such fun gals. They inspire in every way, just good, amazing, smart women. Everyone I work with is pretty beautiful and stylish so in my old age I've taken on a new style instead of just being dressed up all the time. I've become more trendy and fun with my style. I love it. Getting old isn't so bad.

That's life. Last night Nick and I celebrated his big promotion with dinner on the patio at Brickhouse. We just enjoyed and hung out. Then we went home and had a glass of wine and some Vanilla Wafers on his patio. We met four years ago this week. Weird to think. We have grown so much since then. You really do grow a lot in your 20s. Lots has changed over the years both good and bad around us. We didn't start dating until April 29th though so give us a while to get to our anniversary! I get tired of people asking when I am getting engaged. Heck if I know. We just got back on our feet after a bad year last year so while it's been a good past few months, life doesn't work like magic all of the time.

The spring is adding up in greatness. This weekend is poker night at Matt & Keilly's, next I am flying home for Easter and am SO EXCITED, then Nick's family reunion in Brenham, then a friend's birthday bash, then a charity function in Addison then that takes us into May for Nick's birthday party... golly geez... loving it. As of right now I am looking outside and it is so pretty and I am thinking of taking a jog... though I am a bit lazy! I'll think about it some more!

Playing Tug-Of-War With God

It's been a year since you flew to Heaven. You wanted to go for so very long. I felt as if I was playing tug-of-war with God to keep you here. You lost your husband and your daughter and you just wanted to see them again. There were times I looked at the phone wanting to call you, but I don't have Heaven's number. Funny how people say they didn't get to say goodbye. I said it every time I hung up the phone. Funny thing there were no words left unsaid. I asked you everything I could think of about your life. There are things now sometimes I want to ask. You told me stories about growing up and during the war and all about Mom and Mike. We didn't talk much about Mom because it made you a bit sad, but sometimes I would get you to tell me stories. You told me stories about my Dad because they made your face light up. He was like a son to you. You taught me a lot of things about loving others and not getting involved in taking sides when people divorce. You taught me that the older generation didn't exactly hate gay people like they always think. You loved your neighbors and you didn't care they were lovers. You knew the Bible so well and you lived it.

For some people grandparents are just grandparents. For me, all of mine were special and close to me. I loved when you were in a good mood and I could make you laugh. It was hard at times because you sort of gave up on living because your soul was so sad. Everyone around you was gone but Mike, Dad, your niece Lynda and me. I tried to make that enough, but I knew it just wasn't. Selfishly I wanted to keep you here forever because you were a friend. You prayed for me and I felt it. You always gave Dad and I a fresh Coca Cola even though you knew I hated the calories. When Granny Jac said I couldn't have her costume jewelry, you racked through your closet and gave me handfuls. When I was little you would hand me the JCPenney catalog and I got to go through it circling the toys I wanted. Grandmother Rae always got me the expensive, pristine dolls when I just loved Barbies and Cabbage Patch Dolls; Granny Jac got me the craziest gifts that she truly thought I'd love; and you got me exactly what I loved.

The days before you passed you called me a few times. We talked about you living to be 119 and you said there was no way you wanted to do that. The last time I saw you I hugged you and you were so tiny. I felt as if I would crush you. I knew it wasn't that far away. You would have hated if you had to pass away over a long period of time. It would have broken our hearts as well, but your soul wasn't happy here anyway. Mike will say you were so happy and you were healthy. I wonder how I could prepare better than him. I knew in my heart. I don't dream of you much because I think I accept it. I don't dream of Granny Jac either because I am at peace with her going as well. I didn't know Mom well enough yet, we still had many years. The one thing I can be sure of in my acceptance is she loved me with her entire heart. I wasn't mature enough to show her the extent of my love. Sarah was a true friend and I wasn't ready for her go. Truly, are we ever? The laughter and love she brought to my life is hard to find in the real world. She knew I loved her very much. I always told her she brought something special to my life. They are in my dreams.

You said in the limo on the way to the church when Mom passed, "This too shall pass." We know. We let the pain of you passing leave us, but we will always remember you. Dad loved you like his own mother. It's weird dealing with the business as I step into Mom's shoes. I know you would just want me to be happy. You always sent me money even though I had a real job in the real world, but you always felt as if you were helping me and that warmed my heart. It feels as if you left me these things so you could continue to protect me. It's never about things. When I visit the house, it is nothing without you there. When I visited it growing up every single time you stood at the door to greet us. You gave us hugs and we happily walked in where you offered us chocolate and soda. Weird that the last few times I visited you, sometimes you were not at the door. I knew in my heart then. When I picture you in Heaven I truly smile. You are so happy with Grandaddy Bill, Mom and your family members. That's what I love to feel about you. You are free and having a blast. I hope you think of us at times. We are here enjoying life!!! Though I still look at the phone to call you, a smile soon breaks across my face thinking you are with your family having a blast.

Spring Sprung

Spring seems to be here once we reach March. This weekend was cold and rainy, but if I recall it seems there is always a cold and rainy time just when we think it is Spring! We celebrated Nick's brother's 30th this weekend with a limo trip out in downtown Dallas. Not my cup of tea, but it wasn't my birthday! Nick and I have things planned for every weekend until the end of April!!! I think there is one weekend free... and another I might go home!!! Other than that... wowsers... It's exciting!!! I sure do love warmer weather when it feels as if we are all hibernating bears that awaken for the fun. The koala exhibit opened at the zoo today... hey, I never have to grow up, that's my sort of fun. I would take that over a limo trip to the Ghost Bar anyday!!!

Let's talk about current events and other things.

I watched the Whitney Houston family interview with Oprah... So yes, I liked her music, but I didn't watch it for her. I find it interesting that her daughter is the same age I was when I lost my mom and Whitney was the same age Mom was when she passed away. As Oprah interviewed the daughter I found myself transported back to that time. I found her just a little girl just like me dealing with her mother's death. I remember all that she was saying and how she dealt in that first month. Yes, we live very different lives, but when it comes to a loss like that, there is not much difference no matter how much money or fame you have... or I guess that her mother was supposedly on drugs... it's still a loss of her mother to her. I had been annoyed when the press kept asking how she was blah blah blah because lots of people lose their parents at a young age. Then I realized it was just this weird feeling that I felt close to that situation and it almost made me feel it again. I remember that first night and the laughter you miss and the voices you hear of her in your head. It is very interesting to me.

I've been a member of the 30 club for a few months now. It's funny because I actually feel a little entitled and scared at the same time. As people reach this club they understand. On one hand I am proud to have survived the 20s, but on the other hand I shriek wondering if I am doing okay with my life. The strangulation of that thought of should I have 2.5 kids and a picket fence and ohmigosh now have to get that by 40. Then it hits you that you just have to enjoy the day. I see friends at my age suddenly getting divorces. My gosh, I have been to so many weddings I cannot count, but out of the 9 weddings I have been in, two have divorced already. The weddings I have been to I can think of 5 off the top of my head that have divorced. No, I'm not afraid of getting divorced, but also I am glad through the past few years I was not married with all of the insane ups and downs. If I fast forward without thinking it scares me thinking where will we find a place and how will I trust myself not to spend our money on dumb things and how will our animals live together... it gets overwhelming, but ya know what... I also know things fall in place as you go. Houses come along and things come together. Nick suddenly starts buying new furniture and ridding of old things and those worries fly away. They are dumb worries and as Dad says, he and Mom started with basically no furniture or anything. They were a lot younger, but atleast we have things to bring to a home one day. We just have to modify those things to best fit our needs. Plus, things are things. As long as you are together enjoying life it shouldn't matter. Maybe that's where some couples go wrong. They take one another for granted and cheat, or grow apart so far they don't talk about it, or just fall apart. Being in the 30 Club, left and right friends are losing grandparents. That part is just not good at all. Tough stuff for us. I went to a birthday party of my best guy friend turning 29 and the highlight of the party was the two-year olds in attendance. And people showing off their dogs on their phones. It was a blast, too. See, I find this a blast and not a night out in a limo at loud bars. Do I have an old soul or am I just smart?

Accountability

I started a new thing in my life. I noticed God is always working on me as well as everyone around me. For instance, a few years ago He really worked in my heart about pride and forgiveness. I can just tell when He is really working on certain things because they keep popping up places. I also have been told I am the most stubborn person in the world. We cannot exactly change who we are, but we can change certain things about ourselves. Sometimes I will really put forth effort to make changes... then somehow as time goes on it fades. So I have been holding myself accountable. No one else should do this. It begins with praying each night about certain aspects of life. Are you being professional and doing what you need at work? How is your personal life? Were you kind to those in it today? Where did you fail God? Did you work out hard and eat right... even if you have snacks every now and then? I decided to sit down when I pray each night and talk through these things. I just notice with myself I will be really kind and do great things for a few days, then just sometimes go on a plateau. I won't be sweet to Nick or I'll joke too much with someone and accidentally hurt their feelings. I joke way too much and sometimes it's the truth in jest which is going overboard. I also noticed God working a long time ago about being positive. Mom used to tell people I would paint her a picture and say, "I know the grass isn't green enough. It could use more trees." It's just me, but I began working on really listening to myself and trying not to be be down with anything. I can pump you up all day, but I need to work on always seeing the brighter light. Just a thought for anyone out there... Being accountable for yourself. God is always working on me... and everyone else. I just need to listen to Him and follow Him.

Something interesting... someone asked me about Vinny on "Jersey Shore's" Let Go Let God tattoo. They didn't know it was a saying. Great way to testify about the saying... and to listen to what I had to say so I could put it into action myself.

Yes, Mom's anniversary was last Sunday. No, I did not write. I made a tribute video. The words did not come to me. I am good with the day now and I still use it to share her legacy, but I hope I do that every day. The only thing that got me down was if I would talk to Grandmommy or Dad and they would say something that made them sad. Don't make my family sad!!! Grandmommy got to spend the day in Heaven with her for the first time. Dad said he did not watch my tribute, but he might later... I was sad because I was having a great day, but I couldn't bare him being upset. He asked me the next day about my day and I told him it was a great day and I always just use it for memories and to share her with the world. No matter how many years pass, I will always share her and spread her love. She always did with Grandaddy Bill... I felt like I knew him because of the stories she told and the audio tapes I listened to of him. Anyway, Dad then told me he had a great day, too, and passing the ten year mark last year really helped. I smiled a great big smile. He was okay. His life is so spectacular and God has given him so many blessings. He has an amazing wife and he has me and he has great stepkids and grandchildren... none from me no no no!!! Nah, we never forget and that part of life is so dear, but we keep walking along the journey. If she was here now she would have failing health as her health was a tough fight, the schools have changed so much that her teaching would be choked with what she could and could not do when she was amazing at changing lives, and she would be crushed to lose her mother when Grandmommy passed last year. Of course, I want her here to do motherly things and be my BFF and just have her, but God knows what's up. Dad and Brenda are the best in the world. I love them so much. Isn't that what life is all about? Love.

Mom's 11 Year Anniversary Tribute

Chandra's Birthday Video

My best friend, Chandra turned 30... Here is her tribute!!!

American Heart Month

It isn't normal that I am a little jealous of October's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I didn't choose February's American Heart Month as my inside drive to cry out about. It chose me. February coincidentally is the month my mother passed of a heart attack - February 26, 2001. American Heart Month doesn't get near as much attention as October and I understand that because breast cancer and women seem to go hand in hand. The weird reality is that heart cancer is the number one killer of women and it seems to be in our hands at times... Somehow it seems we control our cholesterol; somehow it seems we control nothing. I don't have millions to support the month, but what I think I want out of it is just education for others.

Heart disease is the number one killer of women. Number one. It doesn't seem real when I don't know many people who have lost women to a heart attack. Oh, but I know myself. I have lost a mother and two grandmothers. If you want to go further than that I lost my grandfather and my other grandfather had open heart surgery, but he actually passed away from heart cancer (a tumor in his main artery which at that time was one of the first in the United States). Needless to say... they already check my cholesterol. And, no, they were not overweight, artery clogging people. Grandaddy Bill jogged every day, never ate anything bad, biked everywhere he went. Grandmommy lived a good life and weighed about 90... but, she ate horribly and was always stressed. Granny Jac was fine physically, but was losing a bit of her memory. I'm not sure what caused it. (I must add in my grandmothers the doctors conclude heart attacks as do the death certificates, but since they both technically passed away of a sudden occurrence at an older age we did not have an autopsy). Mom never had any heart problems, but she had many other health issues throughout her life. She had stomach trouble, diverticulosis, a hysterectomy at a young age... If you ask me I think somewhere in all of that something had to make her heart weak. I just don't know.

Mom passed away 11 years ago and since then it'd be great to save the world, but I haven't and I don't really know how. I work out, I eat right even though I enjoy dessert, I test my heart each year... but, we can't change our genetics or our worlds. I guess that leaves it up to the world. I found these statistics:

More women die of heart disease than all forms of cancer combined.

While 1 in 31 American women dies from breast cancer each year, 1 in 3 die of cardiovascular disease.

Currently, some eight million women in the U.S. are living with heart disease, yet only 1 in 6 American women believe that heart disease is her greatest health threat.

Ninety percent of women have one or more risk factors for developing heart disease.

Only slightly more than half of women are likely to call 911 if experiencing symptoms. And yet, 79 percent of women said that they would call 911 if someone else was having a heart attack.

Oh... and on that note... women are strong creatures... they don't usually call 911 because their symptoms are different. Women don't even usually have chest pain. My mother had strep throat the day of her heart attack. Of course she was not feeling well. She even went to the doctor that morning... no one knew.

My mom was 48. She was a young woman to pass this way. There is no way we could have known or maybe doctors could have even known. She probably didn't realize her genetics right there with her dad passing at age 54. We didn't harp on that education. I didn't know it was such a killer in women until a few years ago. I remember when she passed away and we got the autopsy results it was just understood and I didn't ask any questions. I just write this as a way to educate the women you know and love. Wear red on Friday and when they ask tell them it is for Deanna Adams.

The women's major symptoms prior to their heart attack included:

Unusual fatigue - 70%
Sleep disturbance - 48%
Shortness of breath - 42%
Indigestion - 39%
Anxiety - 35%

Major symptoms during the heart attack include:

Shortness of breath - 58%
Weakness - 55%
Unusual fatigue - 43%
Cold sweat - 39%
Dizziness - 39%