Monday, February 23, 2009
One thing most people don't tell you when you lose a loved one is about the nightmares. I notice the nightmares flare up when I am in a stressful time of life. Eight years ago this Thursday and I still have nightmares. I do not know why. In the dreams she is dying and 911 will not answer; she is running away; she is cheating; I cannot reach her; the phone rings and rings. Sometimes we are even planning another funeral or she is back from the dead and we know she is about to leave again. I don't believe it is something that is a problem as I see it as something I must deal with as I my mind never quite understood. I have been through all of the stages of grief and I do accept it for many reasons, but I sometimes wonder if my mind thinks I could have changed something. There was nothing I could have done. I began calling the house that day probably an hour after she perished. If I had called a minute before the attack struck she still would have perished. They believe Dad spoke to her in that minute. If I was standing right there I probably could not have saved her. Somehow we want to push back time and make them live. Make them. Somehow make time stop so we can make them live. Another coach was standing beside my grandfather when the attack struck and he could do nothing. It cannot be blame. Maybe if I would have been a better daughter she would not have been as stressed? Maybe if I would have appreciated them more? I was a teenager though. I didn't understand the importance of family yet. The nightmares have come and gone for years and I don't see them ever leaving. It isn't every night and sometimes they aren't frightening. Last night I was at the YMCA in my dream waiting for her to pick me up. She was so late. She called, but the lines were full of static and I couldn't understand the garble. I went to wait outside and the roads turned into an ocean and I was being whisked away. Maybe it's just because it's this week? I say I accept it, but on another hand I wonder if I accept it if that allows God to hurt me again? I don't want people to feel sorry for me because it all molded who I am today and molded our amazing family. She wouldn't have lived to a ripe age as she had a lot of health issues... but, what I am feeling is the fact tragedy causes nightmares. It'd be easy if we could just tell them to go away... The subconscious mind doesn't like to listen to my psychological antics telling it to let me dream in peace!