Thursday, February 26, 2009

Flaming Ice

The sky is bright as midnight draws near. A day has come and gone just like each one before it. Yet this day overflows with emotions of all kinds. One might say God went a bit bipolar creating both volcanic ash and icy glaciers all in one day. I paid tribute to a life. I put finishing touches on my new condo. I lost a cousin. I got a new job. It all seems so simple in four simple sentences. In one day. Crushed together.

Today marked eight years of my mother's death. Today one of the core members of the Adams family, Judith Goates went to Heaven quite suddenly. Today I got the final word that I could start a new Marketing venture for Lincoln Property Group in Dallas. And today I packed up the final boxes to move into my beautiful new little condo.

My boyfriend asked me today if anniversaries ever gets easier. Time helps deal with pain, but anniversaries only bring feelings to the surface and force you to live that day over and over again in your mind. Acceptance comes with time, but truly just moving past the loss might never happen. I have come to realize THAT IS JUST FINE. We are allowed to mourn as human beings and not brush the pain under the rug. It's okay to be a little sad. I received a beautiful bouquet of bright sunflowers from a wonderful friend today. My heart melted as my mother loved sunflowers. I stared at their beauty and just smiled at them. You see, anniversaries aren't as much about cards anymore or flowers anymore, but just the knowing that someone loves you and remembers your loved one that day. I had messages flowing in on various social networking sites. Former students sharing their favorite stories with me. It makes me feel guilt to know how much they loved her and how she molded their lives. I wish I could have been a better daughter.

But, I have to remember at nineteen years of age it is often hard to grasp the reality that parents are the smartest people we know....

That day eight years ago was like any other day as it began. I don't remember everything I did that day. I just remember not being able to find her. Calling and calling. Dial tones. Beeping. Dad calling. Throwing the phone. Each year I recount it step by step. I remember praying in a huddle of sorority sisters and friends. Fast forward eight years and you see this young woman sitting in front of your eyes. She is wise beyond her years, yet very selfish because she sometimes thinks the world owes her. I look in those eyes to see a deepness even I cannot understand; a journey that looking back I have no idea how I walked over that volcanic fire thrashing through my skin. We look at Dad... a fearless man with a tear stained face. He learned to walk again by finding a wife, by finding a new life. His chapters began again and he walks with a wounded, yet happy soul. We look at Grandmommy... and sometimes we cringe because of her pain, yet see someone that has truly lived through it all... and still believes in God. True courage.

I run and hide beneath the volcano's walls as we face another loss. In less than a year I have attended five funerals. I have lost two of my grandmothers in less than a year. It makes me wonder what God is doing... but, we still hold tight to that faith. Aren't we all but a mist?

So today I choose not to yet dive into the loss of Judith. Talking to her daughter on the phone as she told me they had said their goodbyes. Knowing she also leaves behind a daughter in college. Not yet... I choose not to celebrate my new job because it doesn't seem the right time. Not yet. I choose not to jump into my new dwelling for a day or so... Not yet. Today I choose to honor my mother. She was the best person I have ever known in my life. She never said a bad word about anything. She didn't drink. She didn't curse. She didn't yell. I wish I could be half of the person she was... She was truly an angel walking here only for forty eight years blown out like a candle in the night.

As the volcano's fire thrusts into the air raining ashes upon our lives I hide in God's embrace knowing He has a plan. He has a journey. He has a key. Who else can make flames and ice all in one day?

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