Thursday, March 25, 2010

Lessons Learned

Hello Diary. This is how I began many of my diary entries as a child like the diary was really listening to what I had to say. Life has been a whirlwind lately and I am loving it as always. Nick bought a boat so that means a lot of fun for us this summer. I am very excited. I just love that feeling of being on a boat! We have a jam packed schedule with weddings and showers and such, but I'll figure it all out. I don't like not being busy!!! It is my fuel!!!

The family came in last weekend from Tulsa and Lamesa for Gena's 44th birthday. Gena and David brought their 16 month old son, Dawson. Precious!!! He is like a little model with these long eyelashes and puppy dog brown eyes. D'Layna and Donna also came from Lamesa. Layna is my protege as I have said before. I love her like my own. She is ten years old... getting on up there!!! I sat with them and just talked for hours. Then Friday night Layna texted me about eighty times trying to lure Nick over to see her!!! He finally caved so he sat with the ladies and talked for about an hour!!! D'Layna just loves Nick!!! I'm so proud of that little girl. Being with family is like being wrapped in a warm blanket. I cannot describe the feeling.

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I spoke with Donna... who is like the Dalai Llama... funny thing, my cousin, Barb who was there is President of Dallas Psychiatric Society... well, the advice Donna gave me was just as good! Having wise and smart in the same room is wonderful! I spoke with them about my dreams about Sarah passing away. I've lost a lot of people in life, but strangely I really only dream of Sarah and Mom. I'll keep their answers private, but I also know it's okay to have the dreams. Donna watched me grow up so hearing her speak of my mother makes me smile. I have so many questions at times about the way I am... She told me my mother wanted to please me so much and just wanted to make me happy. Sometimes she would buy and buy things... I wish I could have just learned I didn't need material things for happiness. My mother was never materialistic, but I was... Donna says even as a child I wasn't affectionate and everyone would just love on me trying to make me lovey dovey. My parents loved on me a lot as well... I just was stubborn and tried to do it my way. It's interesting to hear I was stubborn that young. I'm affectionate at certain times. Nick says it's funny we both aren't outwardly affectionate. I don't usually hang on people or hug for long periods of time. That's weird that I don't, but it's just me. My mother was very loving and my Dad is very hands on and just loves people... so I'm an odd bird in my family.

Not much else has been going on but work. Work, workout, TV, computer... sounds good to me? God has been teaching me a lot lately as well. Sometimes God has to almost knock me down for me to understand. He did this when teaching me patience, pride and about anger. Now He seems to be teaching me positivity. I can tell. The way I can tell when God is trying to talk to me is things pop up everywhere about that subject. It's a very hard journey. With this positivity lesson I have been tested in confrontation twice in the past two weeks. One time I blew up and got it all out then cried and everything was fine with the person. I was scared to death to confront... and now it's all positive. The other I just chose not to dignify with a response because life is about more than small lemons and I didn't confront and it's all positive. I'm learning how to be positive and not worry about the rejection that leads to negativity. Not worry about the "what ifs" of everyday life... Much easier to write than put into life. When God taught me about pride and forgiveness I ran and ran. I didn't want to stop. I was annoyed God would want me to forgive those that ripped through my heart; thus, using my pride. Finally after I gave in and did what He wanted and after I dreamed about it a billion times... I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I don't feel much. I don't feel anger when I am angry. I needed to learn to FEEL IT. Instead of bottling it up and exploding like I do. I am always too happy... but, in reality, we do get angry at times. I had to feel it and know what it was then conquer it with perfect love. God is always working on me and molding me. Grandmommy says even at her age God is molding her. He never stops. That is a good thing.

I'm going to bed now, Diary.

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