Sunday, July 27, 2008

Bottling the Moment

The weekend has come to a close and I am left exhausted. Exhausted with happiness and a smile.

The sunshine blared down all weekend making it very hot. I really enjoy sunshine... even when it's this hot. Tonight I decided I look like a mexican immigrant with raccoon eyes. Lots of pool time! Friday Nick and I went to his parents house for dinner. I wrote his mother a poem for the loss of her father and compiled a list of my writings for her. I feel sort of dumb as Keele and Nick said I dwell too much on death at times. Part of me justifies that saying no one really understands losing your mother at nineteen, but part of me also knows life is about life and not about dwelling on that sadness. I guess a part of me feels like accepting it means you say it's okay that it happened to you and it's okay to let them go. It's such a psychological pull. I also know writing things like that for his mother help those in grief and that is a gift of mine from God.

We went to Jeff & Keele's after that and we had such a nice time. We seriously just watched television and hung out. The boys love to hear Keele and I banter as we are downright mean sometimes, but we know it is all in good love. Nick, Matt, Kristen and I all went out to George and Lanna's Saturday to lay by the pool. They live so far north in Dallas... I think it is by Prosper. Their neighborhood is adorable like you are in a 1940s movie. Perfect little houses with ponds and little porches. We cooked burgers after laying out all day and chicken fighting in the pool... Nick and I dominated Kristen and Matt by the way.

Nick and I found ourselves on the back porch just chit chatting. I wanted to bottle that moment. The air was so peaceful as we looked up at the stars. It amazes me looking back at how much we have grown from our first date. I never thought I could be myself with anyone. He loathes my barriers so I have found myself as we have gone through trials and such just breaking them all down and being normal without laughter. I am amazingly quiet when one gets to truly know me! We had a tough conversation where I truthfully had no answer. It baffles all of us about my worry. Dad left on his cruise today and for the first time in many years... or ever... we will not talk in a week. Rationally I know that they are just fine... but, my heart could not quit worrying. Nick keeps talking to me about faith and living in the moment and I am truly working on it, but sometimes my mind interferes. I sat in silence trying to answer him. I said all I knew that God hurt me terribly and I was scared to death to have total faith. But, I also know I must have total faith. I do not know the reason I panic when Dad does not answer the phone. There is so much I don't understand about my fears... so I am just trying to live in the moment and trust God with everything. There has been way too much happen recently that had to be God... so much in my life ... all in my life is HIM.

I didn't go to church today. I need a church home and when Andrea isn't here to go to Watermark I don't go! That's so bad!!! Instead I went to Shanna and Leslie's and chilled by the pool. We had a blast. These guys were playing volleyball and there was food everywhere. It was another moment to bottle. I just basked in the happiness of the sun. Dad and Brenda were so excited calling as they left on the cruise. They were getting massages tonight and Dad was on his way to get a haircut.... strange thing to do on a cruise!!!

Now it's all over. I can't really see the stars in the city where I live. I need to get out my bottle and remember all the nice moments in my weekend. Thank the good Lord.

2 comments:

Pleasant Drive said...

Sounds like you've got a good guy in Nick! Let him in.

AnnaJ said...

I can totally relate to the fear thing and that it can be TOTALLY overwhelming! One of my very favorite verses for that: Rom 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Also, Is 26:3 - You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

Trusting God CAN be SO hard when He has allowed so much pain... I think our trust has to be rooted in the fact that He IS good and is always working everything together even if we don't understand.

love to you :)