Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Little Laugh and Love and Tussle and Hug
I look at two weeks ago and it feels like a year has already passed... I know I am always a block of ice, but these ups and downs have about eaten me alive. A best friend passed away, a best friend got married, a new family member is born this week, a perfect undercover test at work, a bad day of one thing after another at work... and it all just keeps tumbling in the wind.
My Dad used to say when Granny Jac's mind was ill that her day was perfect and she could function... until one thing slipped up in the day. Until the milk jug wouldn't pour correctly. Until she couldn't find her favorite earrings. Until she took a wrong turn. And the whole day fell apart. I feel like that right now. As long as I work, workout, hang out with Nick, take a shower, sleep... as long as the day seems to be normal then I am okay. I think God made my day weird today to prove a point. It was just a day where those little things happened all day... peck peck peck. I couldn't find my make up. There was a wait at the tanning salon. My sandwich had salami on it and I didn't like it. My Dad's cell phone reception just didn't work. Little tiny things that peck pecked.
And it isn't those tiny things... it's the entire two weeks.
I don't remember when I began grieving for Mom. It was a looong time. It might have been a year even. I didn't melt. I've lost a lot of acquaintances. I've been to so many funerals I've lost count. I realized I try to detach because it's easier. I know Sarah was one of my best friends in the world. I know she was different and we were night and day. But, I also know when I looked at her I felt a sense of love and friendship through tested time. But, if you sat beside me at that funeral you saw a girl with a smile and laughing outside talking to old friends. It's just me. I'm pissed off. I am. Maybe I didn't do enough for her. Maybe I didn't answer the phone when she called EIGHT times the night before she passed away. Was I being selfish because I had to wake up early? Or was I just being rational? I had answered before... why not now... Now I cannot remember talking to her last. Chandra kept asking what we could have done to be better friends. I'm so pissed off. I loved her and she knew it. She hated it and she pushed me away when I gave her bear hugs... but, she loved them deep down. I couldn't help at Chandra's wedding just wishing for Sarah to walk up and make fun of us. I wanted her to make fun of my deep tan. Just be there to laugh. Just be there. I told Chandra the hardest thing is to delete the e-mail address, the phone number... I couldn't do it yet. Not the phone number... I reread our texts. She didn't even meet Nick. She wanted to and we talked about it... I know we will lose people. My gosh, I have so many friends that I love... I will lose a lot. And it's almost easier to hold them all at arms length because it just plain sucks. I can say it. It sucks.
Then we fast forward to the joyous weekend. We had such a wonderful time at Chandra's wedding.
We laughed all day and enjoyed one another. Standing there watching my best friend get married made me smile from ear to ear. Having my dad, my stepmother, Nick... all of our old friends... all in the same room... ahhh... And flashing back to her first boyfriend in third grade. I kept flashing back laughing wondering if she ever thought this day would come. It's interesting to watch true love. They laugh and love and tussle and hug. It's so fun to watch. We didnt' dance enough, but we sure had a great time just talking. Nick got to know a lot of my old friends and I got to catch up and entertain Dad and Brenda.
Chandra and Michael left the beautiful wedding and we all stood there with sparklers. Her little cousin danced around the sparklers as if no one in the room was watching him. Again I smiled. We forgot we ever had sadness in our lives. For a night everything was perfect.
I will have a new niece tomorrow. Her name is Saige Emery and she joins Rylie Morgan. A new life brings so much life to our world. Dad and Brenda cut their Florida trip to only three days to see Saige be born. It touches me to see Brenda's eyes light up and she talks about her new granddaughter. My stepbrother and his wife are some of the best parents I have ever seen.
Life is always a rollercoaster and maybe always a soap opera in some ways. I look back and in just two weeks there is life and there is death. I look at myself in the mirror and even when I've been selfish that day or done something dumb I know I am a strong woman. Dad told a story yesterday about after Mom passed away he threw out his back and I was helping him put on his shorts. It was a simple story, but a story that shows just an inkling of the valleys we have traveled... a young girl taking care of her dad. Sometimes the mask I wear is so tight that people forget I have been through a lot and I have learned a lot. It's easy to be the 20 something young woman having fun and being selfish and jumping through life. It seems easy for all, but in reality I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm confused by the way I deal with things and I'm confused by growing up just like the rest of the world.
So in two weeks just like that month where I lost my job one week and my grandmother passed away the next and then I got a new job... and that month I met my wonderful boyfriend and my grandmother passed away the next day... A cycle... And we all learn each time. So today it's tough. Today I say I'm a little angry. Today I say I'm a little joyous. And today I say I'm blessed. Because no matter the valleys and no matter the mountains I know God is weaving the quilt of my life. I know I don't understand half of the things He does, but He didn't make me wallow in Sarah's passing forever. Yes, I will think of her and it is going to hurt, but He also let me feel the joy of Chandra's wedding a week after Sarah's passing... He dipped me in the scalding water only long enough to let me get a little tan. Isn't that life... a little laugh and love and tussle and hug.